From the monthly archives:

January 2009

Gather around kids, mommy has a story for you!

January 10, 2009

So, someone mentioned to me that one day my children may read my blog and that maybe I should make this blog more child friendly. My first reaction is along the lines of fuck that shit, but then I thought that I’d give it a try and write a child friendly post about men. Here […]

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This could have been in your reader this week!

January 7, 2009

Here are the blog posts that I started to write this week.They’ve been aborted. But they may be born again soon. Could I be any more politically correct? Your forebear’s foreskin: If you’ve never received a phone call from your father telling you that he was about to get circumcised, I congratulate you on your […]

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Gem-Encrusted Animal Jewelry. For Jews

January 6, 2009

I don’t understand the “gem-encrusted animal jewelry” concept and not just because the word “encrusted” makes me think of dried shit. This week I read something horrifying in The New Yorker. Apparently there are many, many people in Palm Beach (which I’m pretty sure is code for Jews) who are selling their David Webb gem-encrusted […]

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Nice Capades

January 6, 2009

Every year, I take $120 from my wallet and flush it down the toilet. It’s a very special ritual, also known as buying ice skates for my daughter. She ice skates about half a dozen times in them and then for no apparent reason, her feet grow over the summer and by the next winter […]

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Name This Tooth!

January 4, 2009

So the other day, my 7 year old son pointed to the empty space where his tooth used to be–top, front and center–and said, “He was my best chewer, I miss him!” I asked him what the tooth’s name was and he told me to guess. This is what passes for “family time” in NYC.I […]

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Intimacy Now!

January 2, 2009

So on New Year’s Eve while my parents and inlaws were debating whether Dick Clark was still alive or was computer generated, I decided to focus on self-improvement and read Oprah Magazine’s relationship tune ups. It was the same ole—give and take, communication is important nonsense, but then I reached this golden nugget on how […]

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ARE YOU HUNG OVER?

January 1, 2009

Know what makes you feel good about your life? Finding out how fucked up someone else’s is. Even if it’s fictional. So the other day I was watching one of those crime shows on TV like CSI that I am not allowed to watch because I am afraid that I’ll get murdered immediately (I’m also […]

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