Arranged

by Marinka on April 26, 2010

Do you know how this whole “arranged marriage” thing is supposed to work? Because Husbandrinka has no clue. This weekend I told him some wonderful news–I found a perfect future husband for My Beautiful Daughter (MBD) and I wanted to know what the next step is.

“What do you mean future husband?” he asked. “She’s eleven years old.”
“Yes, and he’s twelve,” I told him. Which is a perfectly acceptable age difference. It’s not like I’m marrying her off to Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-alive ex.
“They haven’t even gone through puberty yet,” My husband, ladies and gentlemen. If you ever find yourself in need of marital advice, you know where to turn.
“That’s why I said FUTURE. I’m not an animal, you know.”
“Why do we need to plan this now?” I can tell that he wants out of this conversation and possibly our marriage.
“Because he’s perfect. Did you miss that part? He’s perfect and we’ll never find anyone better.”
“Shouldn’t our children find their own mates?”
“Very funny.”
“I’m serious.”
“Yeah, right. I can’t leave my future happiness up to them. This guy is perfect and I want to lock him in.”
“I don’t want any part of this.”

That’s why I’m turning to you.

Hear me out.
This guy, lets call him Max, mostly because that’s his name, is super-duper cute. Even my daughter thinks so. But more important than that, from a few pointed questions that I’ve asked, his parents own some impressive real estate. Also there’s an aunt who lives in Costa Rica and loves it when Max visits. Preferably with his future mother-in-law. What? Don’t you want me all kissed by the sun and shit? Alright, Max and MBD are in the same karate class and although he’s three belts above her, he never, ever tries to hit her.

I’ve had my eye on him as future son-in-law for a while, but this weekend he did something that made me realize that I had to move and fast.

We were leaving karate, and MBD announced that she wanted to check out some new fashion at Old Navy. I assumed that Max would just go ahead home, but he stayed with us. And not only did he stay with us, but he held MBD’s bag while she shopped. And not only did he hold MBD’s bag while she shopped, but at no time did he complain about it. And when she held up a shirt with a puppy on it and said “ISN’T IT ADORABLE!!!!” he agreed. Not enthusiastically, like “I want one too” but in that “whatever makes you happy, dear” way.

Which is more than I can say for Husbandrinka.

I’m not sure about the next step. The rational thing would be to contact his parents and let them know, but I’m afraid that they may be some old fashioned freaks who will think that I should supply a dowry. Which is like a mortgage, and I’ll probably have to get pre-approved, which may take time.

If anyone knows anything about this procedure, please let me know. Because nothing good happens when people choose their own mates. Just ask Husbandrinka.

______________
Holy shit! Did you know that cleaning ladies had names?!

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Kathy April 26, 2010 at 2:31 am

Certainly a keeper , your daughter is so lucky to have you taking care of the future. Can you write them an I owe you or do yearly payments until the big day!

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Tina April 26, 2010 at 4:17 am

He sounds perfect! And your daughter will be saving so much time and effort. I wish my mother had been as invested in MY future!

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Pauline
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 8:07 am

I’m stalking another blogger with two adorable sons, which I already called dibs on for my own two daughters. They have a ski house!

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Vicki
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 8:28 am

You are so behind the curve. I’ve already booked a hall for a nice Jewish wedding in spring of 2035. Neither of the two potential partners are born/conceived yet.

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anonymous educator
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 8:36 am

It sounds pretty good, although generally a boy only takes karate because he gets his ass kicked a lot. Unless he’s Asian. Is he Asian?

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Crys April 26, 2010 at 10:12 am

Please let me know how this works out…I have my eye on a little cutie pie for my Spawnette as well…

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peajaye
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 11:33 am

Dear Marinka,

Being from the former Soviet Union, I know you can appreciate a good 5-year plan. So here’s mine (free of charge) – guaranteed to have your daughter (MBD) married off to Max-of-million$, (MAX), the man of your dreams, thus securing you a lifetime of happiness, sunshine-filled beaches, and early retirement.

1. Photoshop picture of MBD and Max to show them in Brookes Shield / Christopher Atkins – Blue Lagoonesque moment. Innocent, but definitely enough to alarm any Italian-American father.

2. Present photo(shopped) to Italian-American father, Husbandrinka.

3. Support Hasbandrinka when he forbids any future contact between MDB & MAX.

4. Retrieve used condom from laundry room; display to your daughter to warn her of the perils of pre-marital sex; praise Husbandrinka’s great wisdom of staying away from MAX.

5. Carefully cultivate opportunities for budding couple to be alone but not intimate – i.e. going away for the weekend and leaving children in the care of Mama & Papa. [check your own teenage diaries for ideas on particulars.]

6. Repeat for the next 4 years. Perhaps take an improv class to give you more confidence in feigning outrage every time you catch them together.

7. By year 5, MBD should be 16 and pregnant (MTV deal maybe?) and you will be in strong position to demand marriage (without dowry, of course, given MAXimum damage).

8. Place “Sexy Grandma” bumpersticker on new electric Lexus, bought by the MAX family trust fund.

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Issa
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 12:00 pm

I don’t know, I think you may be too late. If he’s that great, he’s probably already taken. 12 is a bit old. I’ve known my future sons-in-laws since they were each in preschool.

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anna see April 26, 2010 at 12:42 pm

He sounds perfect! Definitely proceed with your matchmaking plans.

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alexandra
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Oh, you’ve got to get your brand on him somehow. And quick.

He’s a keeper, and he must be taken off the open market. I agree. The sooner the better.

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Crisanna April 26, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I’m with you on this one…urgency is of the utmost importance! That old cliche exists for a reason. You know – “All the good ones are married or prepubescent.”

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 3:29 pm

You had me at ‘whatever makes you happy, dear.’

But be wary of men who spend too much time at the dojo…I don’t know much, but I know that.

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Tiffany April 26, 2010 at 3:34 pm

my daughter is arranged to marry another blogger’s future son. he’s in the womb but, his parents are gorgeous so he’s sure to be cute too. he’ll obviously like older women. we’re doing it so we can have grandkids with brown skin (we’re black) with green eyes (they’re irish). i’m a genius. i know.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 9:42 pm

My friend was dating a guy with an apartment in Paris and a villa in Italy. I kept hoping that I would be invited as the 3rd wheel/beard but they broke up. I was devistated. Joe, not so much.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
April 26, 2010 at 10:56 pm

He sounds perfect. Does he date older women?

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dusty earth mother April 27, 2010 at 9:51 am

Well, Yenta, here’s what I think you should do. Kill some of your best chickens and dress them, prepare a jar of honey and some figs, put on your nicest housedress and arrive at Max’s parents home unannounced to make the offer. You’re so charming, I’m sure they will snap it right up. Good luck and let us know where the happy couple is registered.

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Margaret (Nanny Goats)
Twitter:
April 29, 2010 at 12:32 pm

I think you’d better start saving up for a mortgage-sized dowry cuz ain’t no other man gonna come close as this Old-Navy-shopping-bag-carrying little darling.

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Lish April 29, 2010 at 8:13 pm

Ummm… Marinka. You do realize this kid is gay, right?

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Roshni June 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm

bwahahhahahahaha!!!!!

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Roshni June 11, 2012 at 1:39 pm

whatever you do, do NOT sing praises of Max in front of your daughter. In fact, go all out about hating his guts etc. Nothing whets a teen girl’s interest in a guy more than knowing her mom will disapprove of it!!

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