From the category archives:

1

George

by Marinka on January 16, 2014

220px George Clooney 18 10 2011 150x150 GeorgeRecently I told a friend of mine that I will be single soon and because she knows George Clooney, I asked if she would introduce us. This is called “keeping your options open.”

“Of course,” she said so quickly that I had to assume that Clooney had been on a decades-long campaign badgering her left and right to let him know the second there was a sign that I may be back on the market.

“Really?” I asked, a little stunned at such an immediate response.

“Done!” She said and I prepared for my new life as Mrs. Clooney.

But then I started thinking. Because despite his considerable charm, and OKish looks, George Clooney is not really my type. I mean, he seems like a nice guy and everything, but I don’t know. He jets around too much for my taste. Like Lake Como is a real thing with him. Will he agree that we will not leave the United States during Bachelor season? I don’t want to have THAT discussion down the line.

And then the whole Sudan thing. I don’t know the details, but he seems to be upset with the warlords or something? Who can keep track. On the one hand, I’m all for philanthropy (when it’s other people’s money). On the other, I don’t want to be in a relationship that puts me on the wrong side of a warlord. And more than one, apparently.

“Maybe this isn’t such a hot idea,” I told my friend. I could tell she was dreading breaking the news to Clooney.

I proceeded to live my life, which is completely satisfying and full of meaning and not just because The Bachelor is back and ABC is celebrating the fact that the Bachelor’s name is Juan Pablo by calling this month Juan-uary.

But then my non-George Clooney knowing friend, Amy (everyone has one of those, right?) mentioned that there was a contest to win a date with George and I was like “come on.” How obvious can he get? Try subtlety, George. It’s called ACTING for a reason.

Apparently there’s some kind of a “fundraiser” where you can win a date with George. Does he think I was born yesterday? Gee, I wonder who the “winner” of this will be.

I decided not to enter the contest. I really think it’s for the best. But I do wish him the best of luck. And you should probably enter. Maybe you’ll be able to take his mind off me.

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Unrelated note: I am reading and absolutely loving Gary Shteyngart’s Little Failure. It’s fantastic and very funny. I’ll say more about it soon, but in the meantime, you should get it and read it. He’s from Leningrad, just like I am, so it will be just like reading my book! (aff link).

{ 17 comments }

You Will Like This

by Marinka on November 22, 2013

The other day Papa sent me an email with the subject heading “You will like this!”

I immediately became very excited because I really like liking things so I assumed it was something like a revelation that I was one of the Romanoffs and should expect to be on the receiving end of  an immediate shipment of Faberge eggs.  On the one hand, I’d be shocked and upset that Mama and Papa had been lying to me and were not in fact my biological parents, but on the other, the Faberge eggs are really pretty.

200px House of Fabergé   Rose Trellis Egg   Walters 44501 You Will Like This

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See?

Although I sort of wonder if it comes in other colors.

So I started to prepare for this New Normal of becoming Suddenly Royal, and then I opened Papa’s email. And saw that it was a link to a website.

A website of shirts with embroidered pocket cats.

cat shirt 225x300 You Will Like This

And so I spent the next couple of days looking at the shirts and wondering if other animals were an option. Like maybe a money embroidery on the back? A serpent embroidery around the neck? And then I followed the linking to a site that had this embroidery:

collie 300x190 You Will Like This

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And ever since I have been wondering. Why is a collie standing next to a plant? And who is saying “Did you stand here yesterday?” Is it the plant? Is the plant urine-soaked? Is the dog wondering if  you, the owner of this piece stood besides the plant yesterday?

I can’t get a satisfactory answer. Perhaps if people who embroidered things considered the problems they were creating, they would focus instead on making Faberge eggs.

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Freezer

September 11, 2013

Last week the Good Lord tested my marriage as though it were Job. Our freezer wasn’t working and instead of looking into the more affordable murder-suicide option, my husband decided to call some sort of freezer shaman. “Maybe we should just get a new freezer,” I suggested, but apparently I’m married to someone who comes […]

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Mophie

September 7, 2013

The other day my husband and I had the type of conversation that makes people like me wonder why heterosexual marriage is legal in the first place. Or why people were given speech. “You know,” he started, “we’re going to have to talk about our budget.” “Are you concerned that I’m not spending enough money?” […]

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Awkward

August 11, 2013

It’s a little awkward, when you drive to Maryland to pick up your kid from baseball camp, and then as you’re standing around with the other parents waiting for the game to end, and casually mention that you’re one of the most devoted parents in the history of parenthood because you made this trip all […]

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Ball

August 5, 2013

Please know that I love reality TV and books and talking for hours with friends and walks on the beach (I guess) and margaritas and a crisp Pinot Grigio but there is absolutely nothing I love in this world that approaches how much my son loves baseball. Nothing. He never says “I love baseball” but […]

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From Your Future Doctor

May 30, 2013

“Mom, you know how you have that extra bone in your body that you don’t really need or something? Well, H got his removed today.” – my son, telling me about his friend’s appendicitis.

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Listen! I Have Big News!

March 6, 2013

This week I learned that I’ve been cast in the Listen to Your Mother – NYC show. Which means that I’ll be one of the readers for the Listen to Your Mother Show in NYC on Mother’s Day, May 12th, in NYC (where else?!). I couldn’t be happier. Because getting to read my story in […]

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