From the category archives:

Everyone is Insane


by Marinka on February 9, 2015

I saw a friend the other afternoon for coffee and he told me that I looked happy. “Are you happy?” he asked and I waffled because I suspect that if I admit to being happy, the happiness gods will smite me. I’m not sure what I’m thinking exactly, that I will jinx the happiness, that I will be like Greek hero felled by hubris, or just that I will be proven very, very wrong, but it seems wrong to talk about being happy, especially out loud, especially to other people.

The other day I had a fleeting thought, and I didn’t even voice it and it came to haunt me. The thought was, and I’m not at all comfortable repeating it here, but maybe if I use a different font? The thought was, WOW! I haven’t been sick in forever! As a matter of fact, I can’t remember the last time I sneezed! And wouldn’t you know it, later that night I was embracing the toilet tenderly and violently parting company with the contents of my stomach and perhaps every other organ as well. So I know all about what thinking can lead to.

And now Neil was trying to get me to admit to happiness, in direct violation of my Fifth Amendment rights against self-incrimination.

“You are, aren’t you?” he persisted and when I said something like, “I..I am not good at..worried..jinxing..possibly insane…unstable-”

He gasped.

“You’re at an 8, aren’t you?

I knew exactly what he meant. An 8 on the happiness scale of 10. I don’t even know why it goes up to 10, to be honest, what with all the atrocities and Republicans in the world. How could a 10 exist?

But I was at a solid 8, which for me is off the charts.
I am happy. I have a great family, supportive, interesting parents, smart, funny kids, furry cats (potential plot twist: one of the cats appears to be pregnant. Both cats are (a) indoor (b) female (c) spayed, so I’m excited about the upcoming Immaculate Conception: Feline Edition) and I’m in love with the Guy I Went to Ireland With. I know I’m in love with him because the other day I spent some time telling him how much I hate him. That’s what true love looks like, in case you’re wondering.

So, 8. Unless writing this plummets me to a 4. And if that happens, all the atrocities and Republicans will just have to stop to level things out for me.

Anyway, enough about me. What’s your number?



by Marinka on December 16, 2014

The other day I was sitting around, thinking of ways to make the world a better place and also plotting against my enemies. Don’t worry, nothing dramatic, and certainly not anything we haven’t seen in the Bible and maybe on HBO and other premium cable channels. So I was sitting and plotting but then that got really exhausting, so I decided to make some phone calls for idle chatter.

“Hmm,” I thought to myself, while scrolling through my contacts. “Mama gave me life, why don’t I retaliate and call her first?”

Papa picked up Mama’s phone. Personally, I don’t even understand how that’s legal, but I didn’t want to get the feds involved.

“I’m glad you called,” Papa lied. “Do you have Channukah candles for Wednesday? Because I will make latkes.”

I don’t know what latkes have to do with Channukah candles, but I made a few mental notes to look into a dementia screening program and to buy some antacids and some other stuff I can’t remember.

After an exchange of what people who were not privy to that conversation refer to as “pleasantries”, Papa put Mama on the phone. I never understood that expression, incidentally. Don’t you just hand over the phone to the other person? Why do you have to place them on the phone? Does the warranty cover such placement?

“I can’t talk now,” Mama greeted me. “But my sister has never heard of the term blow job. Bye.”

Now I don’t know about you, and how you react when your mother says “my sister has never heard of the term blow job” but personally, and again, perhaps it’s just me, that’s not something that I like to hear “bye” after. No, what I like to hear after is chapter and verse with a few psalms thrown in for good measure about how this discovery was made, and what, if anything, we are going to do about it.

So the next part is really boring, but since I’m getting paid by the word here, I’ll summarize it in twelve paragraphs. Basically I said to Mama “tell me!” and she said “I’m busy!” and I said “this is important!” and she said “it’s less important and more funny but now is not a good time!” and I said “who knows how much time we have on this earth?! Is there really anything more important than family?” and she said, “you are really annoying” and I said, “thank you.”
But the good news is that I finally wore her down and she told me the story.

“I decided to buy you and children a joke book,” Mama started, “so what when you fly to Costa Rica for vacation, you will not be sad.” Now I have no idea why I would be sad flying to Costa Rica for a vacation, perhaps because in addition to being annoying I am insane, but I didn’t want to interrupt.

“I thought you and the children would read joke book and laugh a lot,” Mama continued. “But then I decided to read some jokes and there are a lot about the blow job, so I decide to give book to my sister instead.”

“That is, indeed, a wise choice,” I conceded. Because if Mama thought she was going to gift me a joke book instead of fine jewelry for Channukah this year, well, let’s just say it’s a good thing she rethought that plan.

“But when I explain to my sister why I give her book, she become confused. ‘I know what blow is in English,’ she tell me ‘and I know what job is, but not blow job.”

“I see,” I saw.

“Anyway, that is story. You happy now?”

And you know what? I was happy now. Except that was then.

And now I’m unhappy again.

Maybe I’ll call someone.


Mane Event

November 26, 2014

“Hey mom,” my son told me the other day, “I’m going to be a tiger in the class play.” “Roar!” I said, before I remembered that he was 13 and not 4. And then he told me that he was going to wear his sister’s tiger costume and I congratulated myself on being the type […]

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That Loving Feeling

October 26, 2014

If you are like most people who have absolutely nothing else going on in their own lives, you’ve probably been wondering about what’s been going on with me and The Guy I went to Ireland With. By way of background, The Guy I Went to Ireland With and I went to Ireland in August where, […]

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Shoe Math

September 26, 2014

I don’t know about you, but I always welcome the opportunity to feel like one of Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters. Wait, were her stepsisters ugly or just mean-spirited? Is it too much to hope that they were both, in addition to huge-footed? Anyway. I never miss the opportunity to feel like one of them. So I […]

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Get Over It

September 9, 2014

I have many important things to update on, including the fact that I am not drinking alcohol in September and that my cat is urinating all over the fucking place, but I feel like first I have to tell you about my trip to Ireland. So let’s get that over with so that we can […]

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August 22, 2014

I’m in Ireland and it is beautiful and everything is going really well, which is obviously a relief and also a damn good thing because right before we left, I almost had a nervous breakdown. Now I don’t know about you, but personally I believe that there are two types of people in the world: […]

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August 8, 2014

Love stories are so dull. And they’re all almost exactly the same. Girl meets boy. Girl and boy decide to go to Ireland together in August. Girl realizes boy is bat shit insane. How many times can you hear this story before rolling your eyes and thinking “this again?” In case it’s new to you, […]

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