From the category archives:

Famous People

Forgive Me, Father, for I Have Sinned

April 7, 2010

Transcript: Tiger, I am more prone to be inquisitive to promote discussion. I want to find out what your thinking was, I want to find out what your feelings are, and did you learn anything. I’m going to take a stab at it and guess that Tiger is thinking “Gosh, it was great to screw […]

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Pink Thing

March 29, 2010

I was talking to mama on the phone the other day when she asked me if I knew the singer Pink. Because I am superhip and phat, I said “but of course!” and I hoped that she didn’t ask me what songs she sang because I had no clue. “How come her name is Pink?” […]

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March 16, 2010

I had a busy weekend. It was pouring rain outside, and I decided to spend the time reflecting. By looking into the mirror. You know that disease that some women are afflicted with? Where they look in the mirror and instead of seeing themselves as they really are, they see imperfections, a distorted body image […]

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Dear Homosexual Americans: Are You Sure You Want This Marriage Thing?

March 15, 2010

Husbandrinka and I are going through a hard time, known as planning our spring “vacation“. He keeps insisting that it be educational and interesting for the children, and I swear, it’s like I’m married to Clark Rockefeller and I don’t know who he is anymore. Because everyone normal hates both educational and interesting and want […]

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Don’t Marry Uma’s Ex

February 4, 2010

There things that I haven’t told you about, because I am superduper private (check out my webcam!) and also because I want to come across as relatable and likeable. For example, I haven’t told you that because we have children that are almost exactly the same age, I’ve seen Uma Thurman and Ethan Hawke several […]

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Other Things Admitted by John Edwards

January 21, 2010

Today, John Edwards admitted that he fathered a child with his mistress. Of course, this has gotten lots of press and some of John’s other announcements have gone largely unnoticed. Here they are: 1. Water is wet. 2. I am a piece of cheating shit. (Apologies to shit everywhere). 3. For betraying my wife. 4. […]

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Dear Person in Charge of Scheduling the State of the Union Address

January 10, 2010

Recently I heard that President Obama will not be delivering the State of the Union Address on February 2nd, so as not to interfere with the premiere of Lost.  Finally, a President who understands this country. I don’t know what Kennedy was smoking with the whole “ask not what your country can do for you” […]

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Now You’re Cooking!

December 14, 2009

Last week I was invited to attend a special cooking event with Dave Lieberman, who is also one of People’s 50 Hottest Bachelors and is known, among people with eyes, as the Culinary Cutie. The event was sponsored by Del Monte and Dave was going to show us how to cook with Del Monte products […]

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