From the category archives:

Fun with mama and papa

Vocabulary

by Marinka on December 16, 2014

The other day I was sitting around, thinking of ways to make the world a better place and also plotting against my enemies. Don’t worry, nothing dramatic, and certainly not anything we haven’t seen in the Bible and maybe on HBO and other premium cable channels. So I was sitting and plotting but then that got really exhausting, so I decided to make some phone calls for idle chatter.

“Hmm,” I thought to myself, while scrolling through my contacts. “Mama gave me life, why don’t I retaliate and call her first?”

Papa picked up Mama’s phone. Personally, I don’t even understand how that’s legal, but I didn’t want to get the feds involved.

“I’m glad you called,” Papa lied. “Do you have Channukah candles for Wednesday? Because I will make latkes.”

I don’t know what latkes have to do with Channukah candles, but I made a few mental notes to look into a dementia screening program and to buy some antacids and some other stuff I can’t remember.

After an exchange of what people who were not privy to that conversation refer to as “pleasantries”, Papa put Mama on the phone. I never understood that expression, incidentally. Don’t you just hand over the phone to the other person? Why do you have to place them on the phone? Does the warranty cover such placement?

“I can’t talk now,” Mama greeted me. “But my sister has never heard of the term blow job. Bye.”

Now I don’t know about you, and how you react when your mother says “my sister has never heard of the term blow job” but personally, and again, perhaps it’s just me, that’s not something that I like to hear “bye” after. No, what I like to hear after is chapter and verse with a few psalms thrown in for good measure about how this discovery was made, and what, if anything, we are going to do about it.

So the next part is really boring, but since I’m getting paid by the word here, I’ll summarize it in twelve paragraphs. Basically I said to Mama “tell me!” and she said “I’m busy!” and I said “this is important!” and she said “it’s less important and more funny but now is not a good time!” and I said “who knows how much time we have on this earth?! Is there really anything more important than family?” and she said, “you are really annoying” and I said, “thank you.”
But the good news is that I finally wore her down and she told me the story.

“I decided to buy you and children a joke book,” Mama started, “so what when you fly to Costa Rica for vacation, you will not be sad.” Now I have no idea why I would be sad flying to Costa Rica for a vacation, perhaps because in addition to being annoying I am insane, but I didn’t want to interrupt.

“I thought you and the children would read joke book and laugh a lot,” Mama continued. “But then I decided to read some jokes and there are a lot about the blow job, so I decide to give book to my sister instead.”

“That is, indeed, a wise choice,” I conceded. Because if Mama thought she was going to gift me a joke book instead of fine jewelry for Channukah this year, well, let’s just say it’s a good thing she rethought that plan.

“But when I explain to my sister why I give her book, she become confused. ‘I know what blow is in English,’ she tell me ‘and I know what job is, but not blow job.”

“I see,” I saw.

“Anyway, that is story. You happy now?”

And you know what? I was happy now. Except that was then.

And now I’m unhappy again.

Maybe I’ll call someone.

{ 5 comments }

Update-ish

by Marinka on July 2, 2014

I know I’ve been updating less than usual for a while and it’s taking its toll on me too. Obviously the fact that I decided not to write about my divorce is a factor (although please rest assured, it’s all very boring and amicable, no War of the Roses here. Not even War of the Carnations, so you’re not missing anything) but so is the new sense that I have to write profound things.

And I have no idea where that sense about writing profound things came from, although I’m starting to suspect a chemical imbalance/tumor situation. Obviously I hope not because that’s pretty much the last thing I need right now (well, after a French manicure) but I can’t explain it.

But if I’m not writing profound stuff, then this is what I’m writing:

1. My son turned 13 in June, which is completely crazy to me. I’m not one of those people who gets all “where did the time go?” (mostly because I have a calendar) but still, 13 is a big one. And spoiler alert: My daughter is about to turn 16 any day now which, and I’m not mathematician, is even bigger than 13. Good thing that I, myself, am holding steady at 25.

2. The other day Mama, who was at my apartment, called me all alarmed because she found “A lot of cash” in one of the kids’ room. “Where did all this cash come from?” she wanted to know. Now I don’t know what you imagine when you get such a phone call, but I immediately pictured a suitcase packed with hundred dollar bills, unmarked, preferably. And I started thinking about how I would spend it all, under the guardianship theory loosely translated as “all your shit is mine.” I was mid-way through shopping list 2.4, when I thought to ask for a rough estimate of the cash involved and learned that it was $12. Obviously I’m devastated that my kids are running a really low-profit meth lab.

3. I’ve had a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup every day this week. Mostly because they’re so delicious.
And then this happened:Screen Shot 2014 06 27 at 9.14.28 AM 300x141 Update ish

4. I am lucky to have a lot of love in my life. I’ve always been lucky, but I’m feeling a bit luckier now. It’s one of those things that I’m hesitant to write about because I’m afraid of jinxing it (and because I’m a lady) but let me say this and let you read between the lines. I recently had a weekend that I wish on absolutely everyone that I love. There was so much love and laughter that my stomach hurt. Literally hurt, like some kind of an ab workout. And even though I don’t have abs of steel as a result, my stomach now has laugh lines. I’ll take it.

I am going to figure out how to continue to write this blog during this new phase of my life. It’s trickier, of course, but I miss the daily writing. Who knows. Maybe it’ll even be something profound.

{ 17 comments }

No Comment

May 26, 2014

It took me a while, but finally I realized that the comments section on this blog is broken. At first when I saw zero comments on post after post I thought, “huh, no one is commenting!” and while that would make some bloggers despondent, I just took it to mean that everyone agreed with my […]

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Good News and Also Bad

February 23, 2014

Look, you can have the greatest friends, the best support system in the world, but there will be times in your life that you will realize that you are completely and utterly alone. I had that realization over the weekend, after Mama called me to tell me about her newly adopted cat. “Does he even […]

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A Name

February 20, 2014

I planned to spend Presidents Day figuring out once and for all if it’s President’s or Presidents’ or Presidents Day and also watching Scandal, because I’m a patriot. But shortly into my plan, Mama called. “We are going to adopt a cat,” she told me. Their Sly died over the summer. “Stay near the phone […]

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I’m Right, You’re Wrong: Coffee

February 11, 2014

You know how this works, right? Come on, we just had one this month. Can you at least pretend you’re paying attention? Ok, so I’m Right You’re Wrong is a semi-regular feature here where I try to settle a loving dispute I’m having with a loved one, OR THE WORLD AT LARGE, by presenting the […]

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Things I Learned

February 6, 2014

Last year I learned something so shocking that it has taken me up until now to discuss it with you. I learned that literally now also means figuratively. And not just according to people who don’t understand how language works and have been using it incorrectly for years. No. According to the dictionary. This makes […]

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Exciting Business Opportunity!

February 3, 2014

A few weeks ago I had a brilliant idea. It shone so bright that I had little choice but to accept the fact that it was inspired by nothing less than genius. I decided to share it with Mama and Papa and Russian Aunt, Mama’s sister, who is visiting from Russia for a few months. […]

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