by Marinka on January 19, 2009

Here is a brief yet exhaustive list of circumstances under which you would find me on a cruise ship:
1. I am dead and my torso is being transported to a watery grave.
2. I have been sold into freckled slavery and am being moved to my new destination.  (Hopefully, this destination has a full staff, because I’m super lazy.)
3.  I have had a complete nervous breakdown and I’m doing everything that is the polar opposite of my usual habits.  This would also mean that I am now a fundamentalist, have frosted highlights in my hair and am working hard on the “Amend for Arnold” campaign. 
I do not understand why anyone, not heavily and illegally medicated, would willingly go on a cruise.  Maybe it’s because I take the NYC subway daily so the novelty of being trapped with many strangers has worn off.  True, you get the extra perk of seasickness on a cruise not available on the subway, but is that really worth the heavy price?  And I don’t mean just money-price.  I’m talking about how every time you hear about a cruise,  it’s “missing passenger”-this and “quarantine because of horrific illness”-that.  With some pirate action thrown in for good measure.  Seriously, who needs this shit?  Being trapped on a death vessel with everyone wearing pastels is not relaxing to me.  
But I want to learn, so help me.  Do people going on a cruise ship get tax credits or something? Discounts at Saks?  Human organs? This would certainly explain why people keep disappearing on cruise ships.

One year ago ...

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{ 66 comments… read them below or add one }

Irish Gumbo January 19, 2009 at 2:53 pm


You should read “A Supposedly Fun Thing I will Never Do Again” by David Foster Wallace.

Kindred spirits, I’d say 🙂


ingrid January 19, 2009 at 2:57 pm

it’s the salad bar and the open buffet.

plus the sense that you are doing something outdoors when you’re not. really.

i have no idea either.

i have similar feelings about musical though. (not the salad bar part).


Issas Crazy World January 19, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Overpriced drinks in coconuts served by midget clowns? No idea actually. I’d never go on one. Hell, I get sick on ship rides at Disneyland.

If the pirate was Johnny Depp, I may consider going.


Temple January 19, 2009 at 2:59 pm

I’m generally against anything that involves my three mortal fears: (1) drowning, (2) heights, and (3) being trapped for days on end (ore really, even hours) with complete strangers whose idea of “luxury” is the all you can eat buffet on level 3. So yah, a cruise ship sounds like my purgatory…with you on that one.


Maggie May January 19, 2009 at 3:01 pm

stastically hardly anyone gets hurt or dies on a cruise ship, it’s just made a big deal out of it when it happens. i’d go if someone would pay for it!! 🙂 i had a thing for em after reading Anna Karenina


A New England Life January 19, 2009 at 3:10 pm

And I thought I was the only one! There’s no way I will EVER go on a cruise. Just what I would need, to be stuck on a ship with a couple thousand people throwing up from the Norwalk virus. Oh yeah, sounds like a blast! Where do I sign up!




Marinka January 19, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Maggie–see, after reading Anna Karenina, I have a thing for trains.


Jen on the Edge January 19, 2009 at 3:13 pm

I’ve always thought cruises were for people who want to seem like they’re seeing the world, but really they’re just interested in the cleaned-up Disneyfied version of reality.


Leigh (Modern Mommy) January 19, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Jen on the Edge has just hurt my feelings terribly, because I LOVE going on cruises. Here are my reasons: 1. Um, DUH, the tropics. Seriously. 2. The food is really REALLY good. and 3. Do you have any idea how much cheaper booze is when you buy it at the duty free in St. Maartin? Of course, when I go on a cruise I sit by the pool and read while drinking, get a massage after drinking, and eat way too much (with some wine.) So I can understand how you’d hate the idea of one. 😉


blognut January 19, 2009 at 3:20 pm

You are the 2nd blogger today to almost make me spit coffee all over my keyboard. Trapped on a Death Vessel with everyone wearing pastels! I’m going to work that into a conversation someday!


Jeanne January 19, 2009 at 3:20 pm

On the other hand, with a little planning, it might be the perfect way for Vodka Mom to dispose of Tightwad’s corpse….


Braja January 19, 2009 at 3:22 pm

Because they're brain dead losers devoid of any culinary finesse who have no f&$#ing idea what fun is and will believe anything told to them.

Or something.


peajaye January 19, 2009 at 3:29 pm

i have heard, third-hand, mind you, that if you are a gay and a performer on one of the aforementioned voyages, there is plenty of mansex to be had. perhaps we should send john on one to verify.


Amber January 19, 2009 at 3:35 pm

You wouldn’t catch me on a cruise ship for the exact reasons you’ve listed. Then when they run special deals for trips to Grenada, like who’d want to go to a place called grenada?


binks January 19, 2009 at 3:42 pm

I think the one and only cruise I was on had a superior view of the commode.

Spending 12-14 hours per day worshipping the porcelin god, surely, makes a person want more.


ms. changes pants while driving January 19, 2009 at 3:44 pm

i don’t get it, either. yes, i would to share a stomach virus with a million strangers, please. yes, i would like to puke my guts out and wish for death for 14 days with a million strangers.


Domestic Goddess (In Training) January 19, 2009 at 3:50 pm

I totally agree… and after seeing the Posiden Adventure… who would take that chance? Especially if hot pants do not flatter your thigh/ass region. Its just not worth it.


Heather January 19, 2009 at 4:11 pm

I haven’t been on a cruise so I couldn’t tell you why. It is appealing as getting my boobs stuck in a vice – wait, that’s a mammogram.


Scary Mommy January 19, 2009 at 4:16 pm

I am so with you. Being stuck on a boat in a tiny room in the middle of nowhere? Hello claustrofobia! No thank you.


WA January 19, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Why go on a cruise? To wear your complete collection of Chico’s cruisewear. Duh.


Rosie&James January 19, 2009 at 4:40 pm

In defense of cruises, I went to Mexico on a cruise for my honeymoon and we had a great time. No deaths or pirates. It was Mexico and it was awesome except for when my filling came out and I got to experience the ‘Mexican dentist adventure!’

We love traveling (moved to Korea two years ago and we leave for Cambodia today) and usually we do the authentic experience with only our backpacks and a few outfits but for our honeymoon we decided to let someone else cook (A LOT) for us and do wine tastings, get some nookie and eat pizza.

I still fondly remember our lazy afternoons of sitting at the (really yummy) Italian pizza shop and playing Gin Rummy while eating pizza. We could stay at our table as long as we wanted so we’d just play cards until we were hungry again and then order another pizza… good times.


Cindy January 19, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Since I’m just back from my 8th…I didn’t fall overboard (Actually, I was worried, though)
I have never felt like a sardine on the ships and I’ve been on both small and large ships.
The ship I just got off on Sunday had over 3000 passengers-it’s the largest cruise ship to date.
I’d be glad to teach you all I know. It’s a great bang for the buck 🙂


Heather, Queen of Shake Shake January 19, 2009 at 5:46 pm

It’s the risk of disease and death that make them so exciting. Who doesn’t get their rocks off from the adrenaline rush of possible getting Legionnaires’ Disease and dying from it.

True story.


Kirsten January 19, 2009 at 5:59 pm

Oh my gosh. Amen sister. I can’t imagine a more miserable “vacation.” No thanks.


*Akilah Sakai* January 19, 2009 at 6:14 pm

“Being trapped on a death vessel with everyone wearing pastels is not relaxing to me.”

Shit, since you put it that way, I’ll never go on a cruise.


Threeboys1mommy January 19, 2009 at 6:15 pm

lol at all of the Cruise Google ads.


anymommy January 19, 2009 at 6:26 pm

Been on two, once in HS with my parents, once on my honeymoon (he planned it and had it all booked, so cute). Yeah, not my thing, but OH MY GOD, my honeymoon was completely made the very first day when we walked down the steps to the pool and Matt got a gander at the much older, um scantily dressed clientele.

Matt: Wait, are we on the set of Cocoon?

Made my honeymoon. Also, free booze.


Mary Moore January 19, 2009 at 6:43 pm

I’d be going for the endless food and drink. Is there anything else?


MommyTime January 19, 2009 at 6:47 pm

If the Princess cruise line offered me an all-inclusive trip to anywhere forever, and free babysitting too, I still probably couldn’t stand the purgatory of being surrounded by psuedo-explorers long enough to board the boat.

That said (and I may alienate you forever by saying this, but I’m going to put it out there anyway because I’m risky like that — and maybe you give points for honesty): one of my dream vacations is a small-ship cruise in Alaska. One of those 100-passenger ships equipped with kayaks and hiking gear for lots of off-boat exploration. A ship with a small enough draw that it can pull into shallow sounds and watch whales and icebergs spawning and let me off to go stomp around on land (and hopefully not get eaten by a bear). That sounds like heaven to me — but mostly because I would spend most of my time NOT on the boat, being all adventurey, and then when I got back ON the boat, there would be steak and wine and chocolate and hot showers waiting — instead of tents and campstoves, which is the other way to see the Alaskan wilderness.

Okay, so do you hate hiking, kayaking, whales, or outdoorsy people?


MommyTime January 19, 2009 at 6:48 pm

I should add that I don’t mean to offend any cruise lovers here: I just see cruise and think “Love Boat,” and you couldn’t get any more pseudo-adventurous than that…


Beth January 19, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Never been on a cruise because I fear that I won’t have the self-control one needs at the bar. That and I prefer to puke in my own toilet.


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy January 19, 2009 at 7:01 pm

I enjoyed the one cruise I went on on my honeymoon, despite the fact that it was hurricane season and the boat rocked back and forth like crazy (which everyone said it wouldn’t do) and everyone got seasick. The reason I enjoyed it I think it because getting drunk and watching the corny stage shows actually helped.

Oh yeah, and I don’t get out much. Well, actually, not at all. So there’s that.


Do You Hear Voices? January 19, 2009 at 7:12 pm

I always thought I would hate cruises too, but one of the best times I ever had was on a barge cruise through the south of France. Fine wine, excellent food, gorgeous countryside… what’s not to like? Also, you get to visit lots of different places without leaving your “hotel.”


Kia (Good Enough Mama) January 19, 2009 at 7:30 pm

I don’t get it either. So many friends and family members have tried to convince me that cruising is “fun,” but I call LIARS.


Frogs in my formula January 19, 2009 at 7:47 pm

We went to an all-inclusive in Mexico and I swore after that that I would never go somewhere without “going” somewhere again. Why spend the money? Though fuck, I can’t lie. Anywhere with sunshine sounds nice right now. Even if it’s a boat in the middle of nowhere. Just give me the godamn sun.


Heinous January 19, 2009 at 8:26 pm

I’m just wondering what you’ve gotten yourself into that they’ve only got your torso.

I didn’t know there was a freckled slavery ring. You teach me such good things. I’ll have to keep an eye out in case you come up on the auction sheet.


Magpie January 19, 2009 at 8:37 pm

I’ve always want to go to Europe on a Polish freighter.


iMommy January 19, 2009 at 8:43 pm

Just your torso, huh?


phd in yogurtry January 19, 2009 at 9:43 pm

I used to hold the same view, but I have heard too many people say what a wonderful, relaxing time they’ve had. Something about amazing food at any hour, no decisions to make, no schedules to follow, beautiful port o calls, and a lot of people in partying mood.


Jen January 19, 2009 at 10:24 pm

First of all, I am LMAO at the death vessel comment. HILARIOUS!

But to defend cruising–it is a reasonably inexpensive way to get to a tropical destination, there is a ton of food, things to do or not do onboard, and my friend swears by that little patch you wear behind your ear to ward off sea-sickness.


Lawton January 20, 2009 at 12:42 am

Duty Free. Isn’t a 15% discount on Lancome and Marlboros worth chancing “the minnow could be lost”?


carrie January 20, 2009 at 1:16 am

I felt the SAME WAY before I went on one, and then 19 of our friends were all, “Come on, a cruise would be so much fun!”

And so I went. Dragging my heels.

And once I got the whole Dramamine thing figured out, it was really a hoot. Although I’m more of a land lubber, and I like to spend more than a day at a destination, it was a cool experience.


Kylie w Warszawie January 20, 2009 at 3:40 am

We went on a Disney cruise last year and it was pretty awesome. I never even noticed I was on a boat.

I think you could get the same effect though from a really nice resort, but I’ve never stayed at a really nice resort.

The best thing though by far was that we were already out of country, so my husband would be charged roaming charges, but on top of that there was an extra charge for cell phone use. My husband refused to pay to do work and therefore actually turned off his blackberry for the entire cruise.


Belle January 20, 2009 at 4:05 am

Amber I have a house in Grenada. I have far too much respect for Marinka to start anything here, but when I find you alone in Comment-World one day, I will explain to you (very nicely) why losers (I mean cruises) go to Grenada.


The Dental Maven January 20, 2009 at 5:05 am

It’s like walking on hot coals, you need tons of mental preparation before hand, a bunch of equally stupid people watch you do it, you pretend it’s not painful, then you brag to your friends that you’ve done it.


ShallowGal January 20, 2009 at 5:12 am

Yes, Marinka, a cruise is *exactly* like riding on the subway. You nailed it.

xoxo, SG


Marinka January 20, 2009 at 5:22 am

Kylie–OMG, a Disney cruise. What’s next, a root canal cruise? (although I love that your husband was blackberryless!)


Tooj January 20, 2009 at 5:28 am

I used to think I wanted to go on a cruise, but the excitement has certainly worn off for all the reasons you listed. Missing people, sick travellers, pirates. Although meeting a pirate might be kind of exciting….?


Kristine January 20, 2009 at 6:28 am

The arguement I’ve heard is that it’s like being at a hotel, only it’s on water. To which I say, just go to a hotel, at least then you could leave the hotel and find other stuff to do if you wanted.


Carolyn...Online January 20, 2009 at 6:36 am

I don’t think you are allowed to truly understand the appeal of a cruise until your 50th birthday. It’s like AARP.


ssheers January 20, 2009 at 6:56 am

I don’t have the patience to read all 51 previous comments, so maybe somebody has already said this, but a cruise is the only way we found to see much of Alaska without doing a lot of shlepping. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. We got a room with a balcony. I spend many, many hours on our balcony. It’s a room with a view, and the view is constantly changing. And the food was good, too.


Z January 20, 2009 at 7:15 am

cruises scare me. if you want a list of things i am terrified of, that is right up there along with snakes crawling up my legs and the weird things i have found left behind in the shower after i let my teenage brother borrow my bathroom years ago…


Deb January 20, 2009 at 8:02 am

We took a cruise to Bermuda last summer and we loved it…but I suppose it isn’t for everyone. I think I am just an extraordinarily lazy person who likes to lay around and drink.


Nicole January 20, 2009 at 8:29 am

I have never been on a cruise but I would love to take one someday! When that happens I will let ya know how horrible it was.


SoMi's Nilsa January 20, 2009 at 8:48 am

In our somewhat limited travels overseas, my husband and I have determined there are two kinds of American tourists. (1) The tourist who goes to a foreign country and wants to immerse themselves in foreign cultures. And (2) the tourist who goes to a foreign country and expects to see the creature comforts of home (Starbucks, McDonalds and The Gap). It is these tourists in (2) who we figure go on cruises, because they are ensured they will see a bunch of other Americans just like themselves and no one else will be able to infiltrate the ship!

PS – We finally got our New Yorker and indeed there was the champagne page just where you said it would be!


Comedy Goddess January 20, 2009 at 9:17 am

Massive cruise liners, a definite no.
Private yacht, a resounding hell yes!


Stella B January 20, 2009 at 11:32 am

I don’t get it either…but I like to really see the place I’m visiting, not just the tourist traps a block from the port.

But @Comedy Goddess raises an excellent point!


Smores for Breakfast January 20, 2009 at 12:05 pm

ugh, cruises are the worst! The showers, the pools, the being stuck with annoying tourists, the entertainment, ugh I could go on and on. But the worst, is the food. people just go and eat and eat and then they just don’t move. I feel like i’m in the movie Wall-E. IT’s so disgusting it makes me stick. I will NEVER go on one.


Nicole January 20, 2009 at 1:18 pm

I forgot to mention that I have an award for you!!!


mo.stoneskin January 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm

4) you got kidnapped and put in your worst nightmare?


bernthis January 20, 2009 at 3:28 pm

ever since I saw the Poseidon Adventure, I have never been willing to step on a ship.


heartatpreschool January 20, 2009 at 3:43 pm

So nice to see I’m not alone. You couldn’t pay me to go on a cruise. Not that you would pay me, unless you got really sick of my comments and decided to pay me to go on some kind of no internet cruise, just to get rid of me or something.


Maura January 20, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Frankly, I don’t want you to go on a cruise. Leaves more cruisey goodness for me.

I like them. I don’t generally get seasick and I’ve had a good time when I’ve gone on them. They’re not perfect, but few vacations are. It’s a more relaxing way to travel than by plane or by car, and I love being out on the water.

But hey, if you want to let your fears keep you from the Lido deck, so be it. I’ll send you a postcard next time.


ella January 20, 2009 at 11:44 pm

We went on a cruise for our honeymoon 20 years ago. I HAAAAATED IT. Never a wise thing to say to my parents since they financed the whole thing, but just this last Christmas they started saying we ALL should go on a cruise and I just had to shut that bitch down.(the IDEA of a cruise. My mom’s not relly a bitch. Much.)


the mama bird diaries January 21, 2009 at 11:46 am

i’ve been on two (i paid for neither and enjoyed neither).

People go to eat. Endlessly.


Kimberly January 21, 2009 at 2:09 pm

I can’t tell you why because I totally agree with you. It looks like a floating work release jail to me.

And this “statistically speaking” crap always makes me laugh… because statistically speaking, if I stay off a cruise ship I won’t get shoved off the side of a cruise ship.

This whole “international waters so we can’t do anything” jazz they come up with when somebody steals your digital camera is enough for me.


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