Dear Homosexual Americans: Are You Sure You Want This Marriage Thing?

by Marinka on March 15, 2010

Husbandrinka and I are going through a hard time, known as planning our spring “vacation“.

He keeps insisting that it be educational and interesting for the children, and I swear, it’s like I’m married to Clark Rockefeller and I don’t know who he is anymore. Because everyone normal hates both educational and interesting and want to just rest and relax on their vacation.

So the other day, he presents me with an itinerary. I’m pretty sure that people on death row get a similar presentation.

One day, we’re in Philly, and then we’re in DC, visiting friends and then suddenly, we’re in Monticello and if it’s Wednesday, why, there we are white water rafting.

“WHITE WATER RAFTING?” I screech. “Isn’t it too cold?”
“Nonsense,” he says and explains that March is when all the snow melts from the mountains and we get to enjoy more water than ever. Sweet Jesus. The good news just doesn’t stop.
“Do I have to wear a bathing suit?” I ask.
“No, we’re going to rent wet suits.”

I think I blacked out at this point, but when I came to, he was telling me that the white water rafting was only going to take about six hours. I remember nothing about this during our marriage vows.
So then I made an innocent comment, like “this vacation seems to be very Eighth Circle of Hell,” for some reason he got hypersensitive and told me that he’d scrap the whole thing if I came up with a vacation idea. A vacation idea which doesn’t involve sitting at home and flipping between Lifetime and Bravo.

Fuck.

And then this morning I pick up The New York Post and read all about Rielle Hunter, John Edwards’ mistress, who for some reason is posing in a white shirt, but without pants. I think it’s because she’s a single mother and didn’t have time to put them on. So, she’s going on and on about how when she and John met it was not only lust at first sight, but it was also love at first sight.

But then, when she got pregnant, John wasn’t happy about the timing because, “He was married and running for president.” Dear Lord, if I’m ever a skank who has an affair with a married man and decide to sell my story to the tabloids, please let me have to wisdom to practice certain lines in front of the mirror to see if I can say them with a straight face. Yes, being married and running for president are not the ideal times to be having a baby with your mistress.

It’s hard to pick a favorite part of the interview, but I’d have to say it’s a toss up between her saying that most of John’s “mistakes or errors in judgment were because of his fear of the wrath of Elizabeth” and that Rielle felt that she could not come out with her story unless John had spoken because if she did, she would have “emasculated him.” Yes, these are qualities that you want in a President.

I think I’m going to call Elizabeth for some of those wrath tips and then Rielle for emasculation suggestions. Because I can’t see either of those women being dragged on a road trip/white water rafting trip.

One year ago ...

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{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Tiffany March 15, 2010 at 10:44 am

getting your mistress pregnant while running for president is bad timing indeed–almost as bad as being forced to go white water rafting during a marathon of real housewives…

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anna see March 15, 2010 at 10:45 am

i hope you AND husbandrinka survive your vacation, if that’s what we are going to call it. read about the rielle interview in the wash post today. ick.

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Lady Ashfield March 15, 2010 at 10:48 am

ok- this is a bit off your Spring holiday subject- but WHY do geighs want the right to marry?? honestly- being gay was a badge of honour- now we just want to be like all you straight folk..no offence…but c’mon…how freakin boring.

I’m a bit progressive, OK- a lot progressive- and i say to hell with ALL marriages. For sure, if it means that much to you, then by all means run to your nearest church/temple or whatever rock floats your boat- but getting married GAY or STRAIGHT- and then be given special rights by the Federal and State governments discriminates against singles (GAY & STRAIGHT).

We ALL should be equal!

END OF RANT

now as for your Spring holiday- you’re fucked!
enjoy the wetsuit! :)) and make sure to provide us readers with some blog “ocular evidence”– we deserve a treat every now and then.

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reiven March 15, 2010 at 12:49 pm

I went white water rafting and got my first ever migraine! I was terrified, my first (and last) trip was on class 4 and 5 waves (the most “exciting”) and the entire time I just kept thinking about how they said people drown because if they fall out of the raft their feet or other body parts can get stuck in rocks! Nice! Not relaxing at all. And if you need a wetsuit it’s gonna be freezing. I say you spend the day at a nearby spa and let husbandrinka and the kids have all the fun.

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Rachel March 15, 2010 at 12:57 pm

since you probably will be afraid for your life during white water rafting, husbandrinka is hoping you will grow closer together.

hope that works out.

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Sophie March 15, 2010 at 1:14 pm

I have a terriffic idea! Why don’t we swap? I’ll go white water rafting, you stay here and worry about my friends not liking me.

How’s that?

(I’ll even send some ocular evidence, just to upset the lady Ashfield)

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Lady Ashfield March 17, 2010 at 10:34 pm

seeing ANYONE miserable in a wetsuit would give me great pleasure- you’re on Sophie. 🙂

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soccermom March 15, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Honestly, I have been white water rafting in Wyoming. Having to wear a suit in the cold water might not be the only thing you should be worried about.
Good luck, I hope you can come to a compromise.

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christy March 15, 2010 at 1:37 pm

Well that sounds like a busy trip so at the very least time will fly? That mistress is unbelievable!

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LaMereJoie March 15, 2010 at 1:38 pm

A well know fact amongst scuba divers- if you pee in your wetsuit, you will be warmer. But then again, you will also smell really bad.

Wish you luck! Have a great time. Really.

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kiki
Twitter:
March 15, 2010 at 2:01 pm

i will be sure to think of you and your family charging down those chilly rapids when i’m soaking up the sun and frolicking in the surf in Sarasota, Fl. bonnes vacances, marinka.

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Christine March 15, 2010 at 2:05 pm

You are a genius to tie these two seemingly disparate topics- your vacation and Rielle Hunter-together and make me laugh and nod in agreement all the while. If it helps, we went to DC last April on the kids’ spring break and it was tank top and flip flop kind of hot. Hopefully you’ll get that weatherif you do end up shooting the rapids.

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Maggie May March 15, 2010 at 2:15 pm

I have never been more wrong about a public figure than I was about John Edwards.

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Coco
Twitter:
March 15, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Maybe you can have a seperate vacation…to say somewhere with great shopping.

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thecheckoutgirl
Twitter:
March 15, 2010 at 3:44 pm

This is the first time I’ve seen Rielle Hunter. That chick is straight busted! And the pic of her holding the baby with her shirt pulled up and her sexyface on is the least classy thing I’ve seen in a long time. I should know, I’m a connoisseur of the gauche.

Your vacation sounds like a nightmare I frequently have. The good news is that a wetsuit works like full-body spanx, I think.

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Zee March 15, 2010 at 3:50 pm

I’ll never forgive John Edwards. He quit the race the day AFTER I sent him money. Who’s the bigger idiot? Him or me?

Still him.

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magpie March 15, 2010 at 4:33 pm

can’t you just go to a nice warm beach and call it a day?

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Tanya March 15, 2010 at 4:36 pm

Rafting in MARCH?! I have to agree that it sounds crazy. We went last May and it was freezing!! My son wore a full wet suit w/booties. I was afraid of trying to fit my … ummm…. body in one so I skipped it and regretted it. When that water hits you …. oh my gosh!!!!

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
March 15, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Did i mention that these babies are from my one night fling with edwards? Just can’t resist that sexy hair.

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Alyssa March 15, 2010 at 5:32 pm

How bout you guys go to California? You can catch some sun, and maybe even some housewives, and if husbandrinka wants education, drive by UCLA?

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Momo Fali
Twitter:
March 15, 2010 at 8:49 pm

I would rather stick hot needles in my eyes than go on a rafting trip…even if it was only one hour. THAT is not a vacation. That’s torture.

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ShallowGal March 15, 2010 at 10:48 pm

Clearly you’re being punished. I wonder why? Maybe did you blow off any friends lately?

xo, SG

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Noelle March 15, 2010 at 11:10 pm

I don’t suppose he mentioned just how cold that MOUTAIN RUN-OFF would be…(please don’t kill the messenger 🙂

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Gretchen March 16, 2010 at 2:03 am

Does Husbandrinka actually use the word “nonsense”? Like, seriously, in a sentence? Wow. Well, I think that white-water rafting is all well and good, if you LIKE white-water rafting. Otherwise, it sounds like six hours of terror. Really. You should rent that movie with Meryl Streep and Kevin Bacon…mmm…Google…The River Wild. That should scare him. Or better yet? Deliverance. Yes! Just rent Deliverance, and remind him of the whole “squeal like a pig” thing. And that’s no nonsense.

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Braja March 16, 2010 at 6:59 am

The thing is that homosexuals would possibly AGREE on all the atrocities that your husband is suggesting.

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Lady Ashfield March 17, 2010 at 10:31 pm

Dear Braja- not sure what circle of poofs you run with– but this mo is securely on Marinka’s side- no activity holiday for moi…or any of my sane mo friends- drinking though, is mandatory. MANDATORY!…and plenty of fine eating, with a wisp of something cultural- to even it all out.

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wanderingmenace March 16, 2010 at 8:41 am

Why is it that a mans idea of vacation always includes something that will make him feel more masculine? Is tying oneself to a raft with ones complaining family and then battling giant waves and freezing water really appealing?
I say run to the spa, tell the hubs its time for he and the kids to have some bonding time alone.

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Sue
Twitter:
March 16, 2010 at 10:54 am

White water rafting in MArch does not sound fun. Love it in the summer-time, but March-not so much. Down here (DC) it’s been all over the news about the river has been closed to small boats due to flooding. The rivers in WVA and PA (where I assume you might be headed if Humbandrinka has his way) are at dangerously high levels as well. With all the snow melt and rain, it might be best to find something else to do 🙂

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
March 22, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Wetsuits DO NOT work like full-body spanx. They smoosh the things you want to stay out and accentuate the things you want to hide.

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