Recently I heard that President Obama will not be delivering the State of the Union Address on February 2nd, so as not to interfere with the premiere of Lost. Finally, a President who understands this country.
I don’t know what Kennedy was smoking with the whole “ask not what your country can do for you” nonsense, Obama knows what’s important to us Americans. Or we Americans. English is hard. Television.
But, see, I don’t watch Lost. Oh, I watched for a few seasons, but the whole polar bear, puffs of smoke, Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly engaged in real life, just didn’t make any sense. I gave up. But good for Lost fans, really. The President tiptoeing around their show has got to feel pretty damn good. (Note to terrorists: don’t fuck with us. Because we’re tough and all, and right after Lost airs we’re going to get you! Well, maybe a few hours after that, we have to check out what Television Without Pity has to say about it.)
So here is a list of shows that I would like you, person in charge of scheduling the State of the Union Address, to keep in mind. Because these shows are my life. Thank you.
1. Snapped. Unfortunately, I missed the first few seasons of this show, so I have to catch up on re-runs. And the re-runs are always on.
2. The Conveyor Belt of Love. This is not yet a regularly scheduled show, but fingers crossed! (You don’t have any pull at NBC, do you?)
3. Super Nanny. Yes, your secret file on me is correct, my kids are older and I no longer require Nanny Jo’s guidance. But I’m sure you’ve heard of Schadenfreude, right? I mean, you’ve seen Karl Rove.
4. Gossip Girl. Ask Malia.
5. Big Love. If you could manage to schedule the speech only for the minutes that Bill Paxton is on the screen, two birds, one stone!
7. Desperate Housewives. This is when I fold my laundry. The State of My Family is counting on you.
8. General Hospital. Shut up.
That’s it! As you can see, I am a very reasonable television watcher and a patriot. I appreciate any reassurance and assistance that you can offer.
Yours in Not Interrupting Regularly Scheduled Programming,
One year ago ...
- As I Lay Dying - 2014