Devacationization

by Marinka on November 19, 2011

Make plans to meet friends in Sedona for a long weekend of fun, friendship and relaxation.

Arrive in Sedona. Reunite with friends.

Talk.

Laugh.

Cry.

Laugh.

Eat, Pray, Love.

Go on a hike with friends.

Look around in disbelief.

The mountains are red.

The mountains look fake, like a movie set.

Decide that everyone should see this.

Feel peace.

Feel at one with nature.

Get a hot stone massage.

Sit in a steam room.

Have a margarita.

And a grilled cheese sandwich.

Talk some more.

Laugh.

Go to dinner and have the best Mexican food you’ve ever had.

Discuss with dining companions whether waitress is a tranny.

Argue “no” because no Adam’s apple.

Be informed that there’s now an Adam’s apple-ectomy procedure.

Star gaze.

Navel gaze.

Go to sleep.

Wake up.

Coffee and breakfast with friends.

Laugh.

Talk.

Look at college pictures.

Say “who’s that guy? He looks like a dick” while looking at one of the photos only to realize that it’s one of your friends.

Who’s sitting across from you.

Apologize.

But laugh.

A lot.

Read about vortexes.

Go on another hike.

Pet a horse.

Admire a cactus.

Sit in the jacuzzi.

Say things like, “maybe it’s just the vortex talking, but I think I’ll have another glass of champagne.”

Walk around in a robe.

Go to sleep.

As you’re falling asleep, hear a friend say, “last night I dreamt about baby ducks and bunnies. But they were up to something.”

Be unable to stop laughing at your friend dreaming about ducks and bunnies.

Fall asleep.

Wake up.

Go to the airport.

Settle in with a book.

Realize reading glasses are still at the hotel room.

Fume.

Seethe.

Remind self that self is now one with nature and has inner peace.

Chuckle to self and read book while squinting.

Land at JFK.

Feel relaxed and at peace and recharged and happy to be home.

Call Love of Life.

No answer.

Call Husbandrinka.

Haha, Husbandrinka is Love of Life. The Sedona vortexes have done wonders for your sense of humor.

Husbandrinka seems happy to hear that you’ve landed.

Ask what the kids are doing.

Hear that Beautiful Daughter is doing homework and Young Ladrinka is at a friend’s house, where he has been stationed all weekend and is not expected until 7 p.m. that night. Sunday night.

Innocently ask, “has he done his homework for tomorrow?”

Hear Husbandrinka say “no clue” as though you’d ask him if he knew what the recipe for Pepsi is.

LOSE SHIT COMPLETELY.

Say things like “is it so much to ask that when I go away for a simple weekend stay at an exclusive four star Sedona spa to drink champagne and have massages that you take care of things on the home front?! It’s really difficult to have inner peace and spirituality and all that shit when I know that I’ll have to oversee motherfucking homework tonight! EVERYTHING IS RUINED.”

Be accused by Husbandrinka of overreacting.

Wait for hear rate to return to normal.

Attempt to reclaim inner peace.

Email girlfriends to schedule another, longer trip.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

Loukia November 19, 2011 at 4:59 pm

Haha! So glad you were relaxed for 2.5 seconds! Seriously, I’ve come to the conclusion that we’ll never be totally at peace or relaxed. Until we die.

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Liz@PeaceLoveGuac
Twitter:
November 19, 2011 at 5:04 pm

Overreacting?? WHAT? Sounds like you need more champagne and vortexes for sure!

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Alexandra
Twitter:
November 19, 2011 at 5:12 pm

“Call Love of Life.”

Sorry I wasn’t home to take your call…busy working all weekend.

xo

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awesome dude November 19, 2011 at 5:36 pm

It is very a tough business to return to reality.

That is why I am trying to never do that.

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anymommy November 19, 2011 at 6:50 pm

Inner peace rarely stands a chance against real world.

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Twsited Domestic Goddess November 19, 2011 at 8:29 pm

So in highschool we used to sneak down to Sedona to go climb Bell Rock in the middle of the night and feel the vortex….so cool.

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Jennifer
Twitter:
November 19, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Sedona is one of my favorite places. Can’t wait to have a free day soon to make the drive up there.

Good thing you didn’t mix up the ‘admire a cactus’ and ‘sit in a jacuzzi.’ Because, ouch.

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Beth November 20, 2011 at 12:30 am

So glad that you had a lovely time and laughed a lot. Of course, no trip would be complete without you coming home to find out the man in your life didn’t do everything you wanted. Or to come home to a messy house/kitchen. It seems even if I am gone for 2 days the later happens.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
November 20, 2011 at 8:58 am

Now, if this were a short story we were teaching in English class, would the lost glasses be a metaphor for the loss of vision of the things that truly matter?

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dusty earth mother November 20, 2011 at 7:20 pm

I started losing my inner peace as soon as you got to the airport and pulled out that book. The sense of doom was palpable. I would like to know more about vortexes, however.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
November 20, 2011 at 8:10 pm

yeah, that sounds about right. Sometimes it’s possible to get in the front door and then lost one’s shit. But usually it’s on the ride home from the airport.

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Anna Lefler
Twitter:
November 21, 2011 at 1:16 am

OMG, we are the same person.

XO

A.

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tracy@sellabitmum
Twitter:
November 21, 2011 at 7:12 am

I had no idea that you could now reduce your adam’s apple. Cool. Also – I SO DO THIS TO MY HUSBAND EVERY TIME. “You could have at least done the dishes!” “Why are there dirty clothes everywhere!” “Do you think if I’m not here it’s all funville and all the chores and work just disappear?”

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes November 21, 2011 at 7:46 am

Oh no, not the homework on a Sunday night! Not that, anything but that!

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Megan November 21, 2011 at 10:55 am

Exactly.

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Becky
Twitter:
November 21, 2011 at 11:13 am

You had me at grilled cheese sandwich.

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Ilana
Twitter:
November 21, 2011 at 11:55 am

Welcome back. Next time I feel like I am about to lose my shit, I’m going to think about petting horses. Mental equilibrium regained.

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Issa
Twitter:
November 21, 2011 at 12:21 pm

Re-entry after a vacation is a bitch.

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Suniverse
Twitter:
November 21, 2011 at 4:40 pm

How do people not understand that when you ask them to take care of stuff, they need to do it exactly the way you do it or there will be consequences?

Gah.

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Jessica B November 21, 2011 at 10:25 pm

OK, so Sedona is officially my next getaway, based solely on your awesome time. I cannot guarantee it will be equally as awesome without your cool crew, but I am going to do my best to make it happen. And whoa. How offensive on the not overseeing of the homework situation.

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