Don’t Litter

by Marinka on May 17, 2009

During the lengthy negotiation that we endured in getting Husbandrinka to agree to get a cat, one thing that was understood was that he would have no involvement whatsoever with the litter box.

This changed the second that Nicki decided that she could only move her feline bowels when Husbandrinka is in the bathroom. While locking eyes with him the whole time. Husbandrinka is traumatized. As he told me, he doesn’t want to be Nicki’s “crap buddy”. Although I totally get that, I also think that this is what God wants. Because why else would Nicki be pooping at the exact moment that Husbandrinka is in the bathroom?

Besides, I have my own litter box problems, known as Marinka’s Quest to Find the Perfect Litter. 
First, we started off with some crystals that looked really pretty (which is my main criteria for everything, including litter) but Nicki’s medical advisor said that some cats eat the crystals and it’s not good for them. Whatever. So we switched to Fresh Step, the super clumping litter. Despite the adorable cat on the box, the problem with Fresh Step was two-fold: it was so fine that I instantly developed Black Lung (as in the disease, not singing prowess) and it clumped so much that we needed an ice pick to get it off the box. In other words, Litter Fail.

So, then someone recommended Feline Pine which is kitty litter made out of pine and when cats pee on and then, the pine totally dissolves into saw dust (or maybe pine dust) type of material so it’s like kitty litter and a science experiment all in one. I mean, I could practically home school the kids with this kitty litter. Or maybe open my own college or something.

But of course there are problems. Because the pellets, before they are dissolved, stick to the cat shit, so then when you throw them in the toilet, you are flushing chunks of pine and I am no Joe the Plumber, but I suspect that this leads to cloggage and stoppage and to me running around with a toilet plunger.  Which is not good.

But then, I started to think. By “then” I mean one morning as I was standing there with cat shit, surrounded by pine, on the scooper. Ok, so I can’t tell you how long I spent on this part of the blog post. Because I was thinking of ways to explain that pine pellets stuck to the shit. And for some strange reason, “pine pellets stick to shit” didn’t have that poetry that I was going for. So, I decided to photograph it.

Here we have the Feline Pine:

Here we have the litter box:

Here we have the litter box with cat turds.

Note: In this post, the role of cat turds are performed by Tootsie Rolls. Disclaimer: This post is not sponsored by Tootsie Rolls.

Problem: Although feline pine sticks to cat shit, it does not stick to Tootsie Rolls. You’d think that those Tootsie Roll sheisters would have that disclaimer right on the wrapper, so that people aren’t duped into buying it for their scientific experiments.

So then I started to unravel a little and thinking that I should get a glue gun and do some arts and crafts to get the desired effect.
Because saying “pine sticks to shit” is apparently too sophisticated a concept for me to relate to blogworld.

And the point of this whole thing is that when I put the shit with the pine in the toilet, hoping that the water will dissolve the pine and Husbandrinka and I are staring into the toilet bowl and the pine was not dissolving. So is probably mentally reviewing our wedding vows and feeling pretty that he didn’t promise to study cat shit in the toilet with me, and then he says “maybe there’s something in the urine that makes the pine dissolve” and I get the great idea and ask him to pee on it. And he absolutely refuses, which I think is a little precious personally, but despite his suggestion, I’m not doing it myself, because I have a very shy bladder and what am I, some kind of circus freak, to pee on command on cat excrement?

So  I flushed and the pine went down, but I feel there’s a finite number of flushes before the toilet backs up.  And I really hope that I’m not there when it happens.

One year ago ...

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