In May, I am going to L.A. I’m going to be attending Mom 2.0 Summit and lounging poolside, with a drink that has an umbrella in it, so long as it doesn’t take too much reserved-for-alcohol real estate in the glass.
I will be flying with my friends Stacy and Karen, because I thought it would be fun to fly with friends and then Karen said that she doesn’t understand how the plane stays up in the air and I no longer think it will be fun to fly with friends.
Needless to say, I’m in a panic. Because it’s L.A. and what if I get discovered?! I mean, I now have a nice life of relative anonymity in NYC, but apparently if you sit in a Los Angeles coffee shop, there’s a high probability that you’ll become a movie star and I just don’t need that kind of pressure right now. Maybe I’ll take some Starbucks Via instant coffees with me and not venture out to any coffee establishments.
But I’m also in a panic because I’m afraid of earthquakes. The one time I was in California, decades ago, I spent the whole time trying to walk in this way that I considered to be anti-seismic but was probably Frankenstein-style so as not to “set anything off.” It worked while I was there, but I’m not as limber as I used to be.
The good news is that I have many friends in L.A. (And I’m not just referring to Ryan Gosling, who’s a friend-with-benefits-of-the-future). So I thought I’d share my fears with them.
First was Suzy, who let me know that if we didn’t meet when I was in L.A., her life would have no meaning. (I’m paraphrasing). I told her I was worried about Death or Drink Spillage by Earthquake and she reassured me:
Now look. I’m not saying that I won Miss Mental Health 2012 or anything, but this is some One Flew Over the Cukoo’s Nest shit. FUN? The little ones are fun? Far be if from me to judge what people consider to be entertaining, but I find TELEVISION fun or perhaps a rousing game of YATZEE.
Besides, I hope it goes without saying that telling me that There Hasn’t Been A Big One since 1994 is just prologue for “and that’s why we’re due to split from the continent at any minute, see you soon!”
Fortunately, I have other friends.
Unfortunately, they’re not much better.
Here’s how my friend Jon reassured me:
Don’t be stressed at all! All buildings and homes have been rebuilt to be earthquake proof and even when they had the big earthquake in 1994, there weren’t that many deaths and most of the people that died were hit by falling debris when they ran outside, so the key is not to run outside lol but they are over in 10-20 seconds on average before you even realize what’s going on. Odds are that you won’t experience one. I think I feel one like only once every year and a half and I usually just keep doing what I am doing while it is going on. Nothing to worry about. I can’t wait to see you!
Yeah, I can’t wait to see you either. And I’m sure that if there’s an earthquake, I, too, will be doing what I was doing while it’s going on. Which is WORRYING ABOUT THERE BEING AN EARTHQUAKE.
I tried to seek comfort from Peajaye, who offered a unique perspective:
I would be more worried about a tsunami when you’re staying in Laguna than an earthquake. Our house is old but solid and retrofitted. And the hotel is also built to withstand earthquakes. So that would be a little scary, but ultimately, just a good story.
Fortunately for me, I can be worried about both an earthquake and a tsunami. I’m also happy to throw in a fear of alien abduction while I’m at it.
So I’m really, really looking forward to being in L.A. As long as I don’t get discovered and have stardom thrust on me, I think I’ll be ok. Wait, what was that? Did something move?!