Fear of Dying

by Marinka on July 19, 2009

We were in North Carolina this weekend, visiting my in-laws. My mother-in-law recently had surgery and she’s recovering, but she’s one of those stoics who refuses to complain and just forges on ahead. We are a lot alike like that.

We took an early morning flight there on Friday, and had to leave the house by 6 am to get to the airport. Because Husbandrinka said that early morning flights are cheaper. I asked what about the emotional costs of my having to wake so early and he said “whatever” which is so totally hostile. My son suggested that since we had to leave so early in the morning, perhaps it would make more sense to just stay up all night and then sleep on the way to the airport. He’s available to assist you with your daily planning and ideas to make things in your life go smoothly. Really reasonable rates. Really.

So, we are at the airport and we are about to go through security and suddenly I realize that I am magazine-free and I never like to board the plane in that condition. I mean, what am I, an animal? If you don’t have a magazine for the flight, you may as well go into the cargo compartment. So, I go and get my favorite magazines for flying–Oprah and Real Simple. Sometimes I like US, too, but I’m still trying to regrow braincells from looking through last week’s issue at the pedicure place. And by “looking through”, I mean “reading so avidly from cover to cover that my lips may have actually been moving.”

Anyway. Real Simple may be the world’s best magazine if you’re feeling snarky . I’ve loved them ever since they had this chart a few years ago about common fears and what to do about them.
Seriously, this is what it looked like:

Fear of flying.
What you are afraid of: Plane crashing, fire breaking out, dying.
Coping device: Distract yourself with a challenging Soduku.

Yes. I can see how when you’re facing imminent death, Soduku seems like a good choice. (By the way, my spell check is saying that I’m spelling “Soduku” incorrectly, and is suggesting “sodomy” in its stead. Excuse me, is there a way that I can get a Judeo-Christian spell check that doesn’t rape my morals?)

Oh, and I know that this is a bigger topic for perhaps a multi-series blog post, but what the fuck is it with computer Solitaire? Like, why do people play it? We know there’s no skill, right? We know it’s mindless, right? (And please don’t tell me that people like it because it IS mindless, because unless I’ve been living in a parallel universe, mental overexertion isn’t the biggest problem facing our generation. Exhibit A: Real Housewives, pick your county.) But I was wondering, do you think that there are people on their death bed, surrounded by their liked ones, and as they draw their last breath, they mutter, “Solitaire. I will miss…Solitaire.”)

Anyway, back to Real Simple. The August issue is all Recession is Fun, with an article on How to Save on Entertaining (apparently my idea of “get other people to invite you over to their house” was rejected). So, under “decor”, they have “Use seashells from your beach vacation as place settings. ‘Martha, you’ve got the conch. Tim, sit at the starfish.’ ” I swear that’s a literal quote. Page 119.

THE FUCK?

First of all, now I have to go on a beach vacation to get shells for these assholes? Why can’t I just say, “Martha, sit next to Husbandrinka” or even better, “sit wherever the fuck you want”. Second of all, do people really spend a lot of money on place settings? Because I’m thinking that my sympathy for their recession woes is kind of low. Although, third of all “Martha, you’ve got the conch”? Sort of makes everything totally worth.

One year ago ...

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