A few years ago, the New York Times had an article about Asperger’s Syndrome, which is sort of a condition where people are really good at math and have impaired social skills. Basically, it’s high functioning autism. I think. The point is, many women in NYC read the article, reviewed the symptoms and promptly diagnosed their husbands with having it. (Ok, so because I’m a hypochondriac, I also diagnosed myself with Asperger’s, except I’m sort of bad at math, so I probably had a terminal case, God forbid.)
Anyway, there was a lot of cocktail-hour-type talk, “oh, so this is why when I ask my husband if I look fat, he looks at me and says ‘yes, you do’ and it was all nice and merry.
Now I didn’t really think that Husbandrinka had Asperger’s, but I did think that he benefited from my wisdom in social situations.
“Now, you’re going to meet Lauren at this party,” I’d explain to him as we headed out. “She has a very huge nose. There’s a saying in Russian ‘it grew for two, but only one got it’. And she’s the one who got it. It’s impossible not to stare at it, but don’t. Just look somewhere else. And do not tell her the Russian saying that I just told you. And don’t mention anything nose-related. Like don’t bring up bloodhounds. Or Barbara Streisand. As a matter of fact, try erring on the safe side and breathe through your mouth. Ok? Do you have any questions? Why did you just blow your nose? Is that a subliminal dig at noses? Oh? I don’t remember your having a cold before. I suppose you’re going to dapple in snorting cocaine, now, just to keep up with the nasal motiff. Whatever. I’m just trying to help.”
So after one or eighty of these training sessions, Husbandrinka may have hinted that if I did something like that again, he’d have me killed and not even dental records would help identify my remains. Did you know that Hallmark actually makes a card that says that? I know, I was surprised, too.
After a lot of consideration, I decided to save my marriage and stop giving Husbandrinka “social hints”. And now I’m paying the price.
Because Young Ladrinka was invited to go away for winter break to sunny Florida with a friend of his. The only thing that the inviting mom asked is that we please not tell the kids about it because (1) only a few boys were invited and (2) if we tell the kids now they will talk about this nonstop until winter.
Can you guess which faux pas Husbandrinka committed while talking to one of the other non-invited parents on the first day of school? Which is really unfortunate, because after a discussion with my mama, which consisted of hypotheticals such as ‘how will you feel if the plane crashes, he gets the swine flu, he gets eaten up by an alligator, he returns with a thick Boca Jewish accent”, I decided to keep him with me over break. And maybe until my coffin is lowered into the Earth.
One year ago ...
- Fashion Week - 2011