Since no one has ever asked me, I think it’s only fair to tell you about my writing process. Ready?
Sit at computer.
Panic because I can’t find “Open New Document” in Word.
Realize that the reason that I can’t find “Open New Document” in Word is because it’s called “New Blank Document.”
Wonder when it was that Word changed it and if they did it just to fuck with me.
Google New Blank Document vs. Open New Document.
Google am I going insane?
Google do other people treat Google like a therapist-Oracle combination or am I the only one?
Twenty minutes later, open the new blank document.
Stare at it.
Check secondary email account.
Check tertiary email account.
Check tertiary email account spam.
Why isn’t there any spam in the tertiary email account?!
Log into primary email account and send an email to tertiary email account titled “LOTS OF CASH AND BIG PENIS VIAGRA PILLS FROM CANADA” .
Log into tertiary email.
Have one new message. Fume that primary email account email did not go to spam.
Wonder what it takes to get spam in tertiary email account.
Google How to Make Sure Your Email Gets to a Spam File.
Realize that still haven’t written a word except the email sent to self.
Curse the Internet.
Convince self that without the internet self would be an Edith Wharton-type writer by now.
Maybe Virginia Woolf.
Wonder whether Edith Wharton and Virginia Woolf ever met.
Google did Edith Wharton and Virginia Woolf ever meet?
Curse the Internet some more.
Shake fist at the heavens.
Wait, why is it The Heavens if there is only one Heaven.
Google the Heavens vs. Heaven.
Oh, someone mentioned me on Twitter!
Fall into despair.
Months later, travel to the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Ohio.
But not before Googling Ohio.
While at lunch at the Writers’ Workshop, bemoan the fact that the Internet is out to get me and impede my writing.
Cock head to side. Freedom?
Freedom is a program that basically cuts off your internet access.
Gasp. Cuts off my Internet?
Set Freedom for a reasonable started time:
Get bad news:
Set Freedom for 15 minutes, but not before making sure to have pre- read all of the Internet.
Get more writing done in the 15 minutes than in the past three weeks.
Freedom is just another word for I’m going to get some writing done.
Tell Husbandrinka about Freedom.
Husbanrinka says, you’re kidding me, right?
Tell Husbandrinka that there is no kidding about Freedom.
Husbandrinka says crazy things like why don’t you just not go online and I work on my screenplay for hours without going online.
Realize that I haven’t mentioned Husbandrinka’s screenplay yet on my blog.
Worry that everyone will be more interested in Husbandrinka’s screenplay than Freedom.
Reassure self that Freedom will prevail.
Disclosure: This post is not sponsored by Freedom. Although it was the best $10 I ever spent.