Home Alone

by Marinka on May 14, 2010

So this week Husbandrinka has been in Poland, auditioning to be the new president or something and I’ve been home with the kids. Well, except when they’re at school, that is, or at one of their million after school activities. Or when they are with mama and papa. But, you know, those other times, they’re with me.

And one day, while I was home alone with them, a friend texted me to say that she was having a cocktail a few steps from my house and would I like to join her.

And, shockingly, yes, I did like to join her. Because I hadn’t seen her and two other friends that she was with for a while, because my kids were watching American Idol and I felt like I would really enjoy having a drink with friends at the end of the day during which I had to explain to Young Ladrinka that even though I was thrilled that his friend’s brother’s Bar Mitzvah was supercool and had a real life RAP STAR performing, that kind of thing is generally limited to practicing Jews and if he could commit himself to preparing for a Bar Mitzvah and taking the required courses he could have one, but we weren’t going to have it for him just so that he could clean up in Silly Banz, and he said, “wait, so only Jewish people have Bar Mitzvahs?”

So, I checked with Nicki, and she was available to watch the kids and I told them where I’d be, and I made sure that my beautiful daughter (MBD) was armed with the mighty cell phone so that she could text me. We were all set, but because I am me, I just had to get one last word in.
“You know what to do if there’s a fire, right?” I asked MBD.
“Leave, don’t take the elevator,” she responded. I assume to my question, but perhaps she was giving me weight-loss tips.
“Right. And this is very important. Do not take Nicki with you.”
“Why not?”
“Because Nicki will hide. And if there’s a fire, there won’t be time to look for her.”
“But I love Nicki, I don’t want her to die.”
Uh-oh.
“She’s not going to die,” I talk fast.
“If there’s a fire, she’ll die.”
“No. Because she will hide and escape the flames,” Suddenly I’m Smokey the Bear on crack.
“You can’t hide from the flames,” Young Ladrinka pipes in. Not from the flames of hell, you can’t, I think.
“Well, of course not,” I agree. “But cats sort of can. Until a fireman rescues them,” and then I start talking fast, because I see their questions forming. Like why can’t firemen rescue them. “I mean, the fireman is going to try. But it’s easier for a fireman to rescue a cat than a human because cats are lighter.”
“What if the fireman is allergic to cats?” Jesus, Young Ladrinka. This isn’t Passover with the three questions. Shut up and watch Idol.
“They test for allergies, so it’s okay,” I reassure them. And then I dash out.

With my freakishly long stride, I’m eighteen steps from the restaurant. I meet my friends. We talk and we laugh and argue a little. We sip french cosmopolitans. It’s so nice. It is the first time that I am out alone, with the kids upstairs. I decide to fix that once and for all.
“Do you realize that if something happened to them,” I tell my friends, “that everyone would say that it was all my fault because I wasn’t there? Can’t you see the headlines? Kid pokes eye out while mom boozes it up.”
Karen orders another drink. Jill sort of rolls her eyes, but when confronted claims an errant eyelash.
There’s still 20 minutes of Idol left. I text my daughter:

What are you doing.

Idol.

What’s Young Ladrinka doing?

Listening to Justin Bieber.

Sweet Jesus, I knew that it was time to go home. A mother always knows.

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

Elise May 14, 2010 at 8:59 am

You went out with Jill from RHONY and didn’t invite me?

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Kiki
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 10:05 am

When I read, “Jill”, my mind went straight to RHONY and that you were boozing it up with her. Did she talk about Bethenny? Did it get heated? You told her to get a hobby, right?
Your kids are very responsible. My son is still too young to leave at home, but I can’t wait for the day when he is a teen and I can leave him home alone. Wait. Did I just write that? I’m never going to leave him home alone. Visions of wild parties and skanky girls dance in my head. Well, the thought of freedom was nice while it lasted. Take care and I hope Husbandrinka has a safe trip home.

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Awesome dude May 14, 2010 at 10:17 am

Fire proof cat is the answer to your worries…

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 10:42 am

You don’t want a Bar Mitvah b/c I heard they cost as much as weddings. So make sure your son sticks to Justin Bieber and keeps the Hebrew books closed.

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peajaye
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 10:52 am

Just fyi, Justin Bieber is so Tuesday (i.e., he’s old; done). Today the newest thing is Greyson Michael Chance.

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Jane May 14, 2010 at 10:55 am

HA I thought the same thing – JILL!!!! Can’t get enough of those hens!
I was trying to find out the other day just who this Justin Bieber freak kid is….where did he come from? Why do young children follow him?

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Pauline
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Clutching my pearls.

Kidding. Look at you being all non-helicopter like. Did you catch Modern Family this week to see what happened to the daughter when the mother stopped hovering?

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catootes
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 1:17 pm

I’d run home to prevent my kids from listening to Justin Beiber.
There has to be subliminal mind-control in his music. That is the only explanation for his popularity.

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traci May 14, 2010 at 3:23 pm

When I advised my kids to jump from the second floor windows in case of fire, I also had to explain that broken bones are easier to heal than oxygen deprived lungs and brain tissue.

I never made to my happy hour.

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Vicki
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 3:25 pm

There’s always the hidden camera in the teddy bear. Or whatever Ladrinka is near. A Justin Bieber cutout?

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ShallowGal May 14, 2010 at 5:02 pm

There are actually 4 questions on Passover, so I’m pretty sure Ladrinka has lost, by proxy, any opportunity to have a Bar Mitzvah.

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The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
May 14, 2010 at 5:17 pm

NOOOOO! Don’t let anyone in your family get Bieberized! It starts with a vacant smile, a few bats of the eyelash, a quick twitch of the head. When you see the twitch, you’re a goner.

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Jonathan May 14, 2010 at 7:59 pm

I think cats can climb out the window and up to safety. If you live in a treehouse, I mean.

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Sophie, Inzaburbs May 14, 2010 at 9:48 pm

Hope you have been practicing with burning the dinner.
The other night I practiced with burning the dinner and only one of themdropped to the floor and started crawling under the smoke.
Sigh. I think this means I have to burn the dinner a few times more, until they all get the fire safety message. (Luckily, for me, this is not a difficult task).

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dusty earth mother May 14, 2010 at 10:37 pm

I’m more afraid of Justin Bieber than I am of an apartment fire. Who is this guy?!

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Carolyn Online
Twitter:
May 15, 2010 at 9:09 am

Why do we always go with fire when leaving them alone? We should make sure they know what to do in case a hair pulling cage match breaks out. That’s more likely when I leave my two girls alone.

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Tasha May 15, 2010 at 9:20 pm

I’m pretty much the worse fan ever because I never comment, but I DO read every single post you write and I always laugh. This one made me laugh loud enough to startle my husband. So you know it was good. 🙂

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Sophie May 16, 2010 at 1:57 am

Girl, it’s 4 questions, not 3. Obviously, you don’t get to have a Bar Mitzva. Or a Bat Mitzva.
So… Can you call ME up for cocktails when my own Mr. Photographer is out of the country and I’m home alone with the little elf?

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life with kaishon May 16, 2010 at 5:34 pm

That sounds like a very fun outing : )
It sort of reminded me of Luann from the Real Housewives… or NOT.
She annoys me to no end. Do you watch that show? What do you think of it?

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MashugaMom
Twitter:
May 16, 2010 at 11:51 pm

Oy vey, a Bar Mitzvah…. not a good idea. Loads of work and prep, tons of money to make. Justin Beiber…. worse. Makes kids want a Bar Mitzvah

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Issa
Twitter:
May 17, 2010 at 6:12 pm

When I was 10 I was watching my brothers for hours at a time. We walked around in the snow, barefoot and we loved it.

Oh wait, that was Bill Cosby. I grew up in Santa Monica. Hmm, never mind. 😉

ps. Young Ladrinka: Jewish knowledge fail?

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