How To Get Your Wife a Holiday Gift.

by Marinka on January 5, 2012

1. Marry Marinka.

2. Enjoy 14 years of marital bliss.

3. After 14 years of marital bliss, do not buy her a Christmas gift.

4. On Christmas Eve, when Marinka says “I don’t really need a Christmas gift” take it at face value and say, “that’s good because I didn’t get you anything!”

5. Enjoy Silent Treatment.

6. Assume Low Profile.

7. Observe Marinka looking at Young Ladrinka lovingly on Christmas morning. Look closer and notice that Marinka is really looking at Young Ladrinka’s Kindle Fire lovingly on Christmas morning.

8. Emerge from Low Profile to ask if Marinka would like to receive a Kindle Fire for New Year’s, a pagan holiday that her people celebrated in The Old Country because religion was outlawed.

9. Take “fuck, yes!” as a hint that Marinka would like the Kindle Fire.

10. Do nothing Kindle Fire-related for several days.

11. When Marinka asks about Kindle Fire acquisition, reassure her. Reassurance includes but is not limited to letting her know that you will get it at Barnes & Noble and/or at the Amazon store that you sometimes pass in midtown.

12. Ignore Marinka when she says that the Amazon store in midtown must sell giant women because Amazon the bookseller does not have a store in midtown or anywhere else and she can’t wait to tell everyone blah blah blah.

13. Agree to let Marinka order her own Kindle Fire. That’s a gift in and of itself!

14. Wait for Kindle Fire to arrive. Wrap it lovingly.

15. Write a post about getting a gift for your wife for the holidays.

16. Ok, so let Marinka write it as though you’d written it. It’s another gift, really, You just can’t stop giving.

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Emily January 5, 2012 at 12:34 am

Was this torn from the WTF Did She Mean by That Handbook? You could sell it and make millions.

Do you like your Kindle Fire?

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Mamabearuk January 5, 2012 at 7:54 am

Ha this made me laugh as the week before christmas OH said he hadn’t ordered the personalised merci maman bracelet I wanted and did I just want to order it myself with whatever I wanted it to say (our daughters name incidentally, not some loving message to myself) Ah there was me thinking romance was just dead at our house :)

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Kristine
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 9:44 am

Do you have a workbook to accompany these tutorials? I need one for my husband.

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 9:52 am

Say what you will but it’s STILL better than the year my father got my mother a vacuum cleaner for Christmas and spent about twenty minutes showing her ALL the cool attachments it had, like the skinny thing to clean in the radiator slots.
My parents are now divorced. This should not come as a surprise.

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Cheap Lady January 5, 2012 at 10:11 am

My parents bought my husband a vacuum for Christmas 3 years ago. It’s still his most favorite gift ever.

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Kara
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 10:51 am

My husband got me a Dyson for Mother’s Day. Best gift ever. I guess that says a lot about his gift giving skills.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes January 5, 2012 at 10:13 am

Oh Marinka how blessed among women you are with Husbandrinka!

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dusty earth mother January 5, 2012 at 10:44 am

Still laughing about the Amazon store for giant women.

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Megan January 5, 2012 at 10:54 am

Fourteen years of marriage and you still haven’t learn that if you tell them you don’t want anything you won’t get anything? You’ve trained him to do what you say – ask for a trip to Paris!

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awesome dude January 5, 2012 at 11:03 am

Is extortion still a violation of the common law?

The number of reasons why people get married gets smaller and smaller.

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joeinvegas January 5, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Yes, please, no more of that ‘you don’t have to get me anything’ bull. Just say what you want, guys have a hard enough time figuring things out without having another game added. Better yet, order it yourself, wrap it, and label it from him, so much better and you get exactly what you want. At my house I do this for my tools and computer stuff.

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Issa
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Merry Pagan Holiday to you my friend!

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anymommy January 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

The spirit of giving at its finest. I got one too. I ADORE it. Matt has already asked that it not come to bed with us. Awkward.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 10:43 pm

No threesomes with the Kindle? He should be more open to new experiences.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

This post should SO be sponsored by Amazon (the online store, not the giant women).

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Suniverse
Twitter:
January 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Are you also getting a January 10th present? Because I think you should.

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maryksyracuse January 5, 2012 at 5:33 pm

My husband told me before we married (16 years ago) that men don’t do subtle. If you want chores done around the house..ask. for specifics. If he asks you where you want to go to dinner and you say “I don’t care”, then you better NOT care. So, I have learned to never ever say I don’t need or want a Christmas present unless I really mean it. If we were saving for a major vacation we did forgo exchanging store bought gifts and did old school homemade gifts. That was fun. He was surprisingly creative and thoughtful.

At least you got your Kindle…but it was a close call ;)

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Stasha
Twitter:
January 6, 2012 at 1:25 am

My husband got me a bangle from Tiffany’s. I know, how sweet…It is small, which no man, not even from the Amazon would dare buy any other size. I spend most of Christmas day braking bones in my thumb trying to coax it on. It is now on, to stay there forever and ever, until death of chainsaw do us part.
Take the Kindle and go. Be free.

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Mo January 6, 2012 at 8:44 am

It’s been a few years since I stopped by to feast on your infinite wisdom. I wasted those years buying my wife jewelry, gadgets and chocolates on any occasion necessary.

Fortunately now I see the way forward. In a few months she’s going to have to buy her own easter egg and make her own mother’s day card from the kids…and I’m already planning the self-service anniversary present…

I’m expecting 2012 to be a year of marital bliss.

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tracy@sellabitmum
Twitter:
January 6, 2012 at 9:24 am

My husband gave me a note that said he bought me an iPad and then took it back because he really wasn’t sure I needed it. Awesome.

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Wendi
Twitter:
January 6, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I actually found the Kindle Fire that Chris got me a few weeks before Christmas & he told me it was for his client. Then I was mean to him & then I felt like an ass when I unwrapped it.

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Alexandra January 8, 2012 at 1:42 am

Finally, a man who realizes when he has a diamond in his hand.

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Iona January 8, 2012 at 8:16 am

I got a knitted cardigan (the greatest knitted cardigan in the world, but there are no BOOKS IN IT.) and a handbag from dear Boyfriend, who got a Kindle from his mother. Dear Boyfriend spent the rest of the day telling me how he meant to get me a Kindle for my birthday last year, and that he might get me one for my birthday this year. Then he told me about all the books he is downloading right this second for himself.

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Lady Jennie January 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Uh oh. Someone blew it. :-)

Hope he spends the next year making up for it.

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Ester Jean January 10, 2012 at 10:42 pm

My husband and I have been married 5 years now and he has never [really] given me birthday presents or Christmas presents (ok, I have to cut him SOME slack because 2 Christmases and 1 birthday he was deployed in war zones and sent flowers! He’s a good boy :) …STILL, I was laughing as one of our mutual friends read off the list of things his wife wanted, thinking, ‘Oh, man, my husband has GOT to appreciate that I am not so entitled!’ when, alas, he said, “IF you made me a list, I would get you something.”

No shit? Gah!!! Female fail all around… I am starting my list with “Little House on the Prairie” books and Minnetonka Moccasins. And I am really excited for my birthday!!!

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Ester Jean January 10, 2012 at 10:43 pm

I’m such an asshole. I also meant to say: Glad you got something you wanted!

…And when I am internetless or busy for a week and have to play catch-up on reading your blog, it seems to take a long time because yours is the only blog where I just kind of have to read all the comments too.

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