1. Marry Marinka.
2. Enjoy 14 years of marital bliss.
3. After 14 years of marital bliss, do not buy her a Christmas gift.
4. On Christmas Eve, when Marinka says “I don’t really need a Christmas gift” take it at face value and say, “that’s good because I didn’t get you anything!”
5. Enjoy Silent Treatment.
6. Assume Low Profile.
7. Observe Marinka looking at Young Ladrinka lovingly on Christmas morning. Look closer and notice that Marinka is really looking at Young Ladrinka’s Kindle Fire lovingly on Christmas morning.
8. Emerge from Low Profile to ask if Marinka would like to receive a Kindle Fire for New Year’s, a pagan holiday that her people celebrated in The Old Country because religion was outlawed.
9. Take “fuck, yes!” as a hint that Marinka would like the Kindle Fire.
10. Do nothing Kindle Fire-related for several days.
11. When Marinka asks about Kindle Fire acquisition, reassure her. Reassurance includes but is not limited to letting her know that you will get it at Barnes & Noble and/or at the Amazon store that you sometimes pass in midtown.
12. Ignore Marinka when she says that the Amazon store in midtown must sell giant women because Amazon the bookseller does not have a store in midtown or anywhere else and she can’t wait to tell everyone blah blah blah.
13. Agree to let Marinka order her own Kindle Fire. That’s a gift in and of itself!
14. Wait for Kindle Fire to arrive. Wrap it lovingly.
15. Write a post about getting a gift for your wife for the holidays.
16. Ok, so let Marinka write it as though you’d written it. It’s another gift, really, You just can’t stop giving.