How To Not Talk To Your Child About The Apple Juice/Arsenic Issue

by Marinka on November 30, 2011

This morning I was watching the Today Show, my morning guilty pleasure. Which is not to be confused with General Hospital, my afternoon guilty pleasure, and the Bravo network, my evening guilty pleasure.

I was happy to see that Dr. Oz was coming up. I love Dr. Oz. What I love most about him is that he’s not Dr. Phil. Because I can’t stand Dr. Phil. Don’t get me started.

Anyway, Dr. Oz was coming up because he is promoting apple juice with arsenic.

Or something like that.

I was eager for the segment because I’m always trying to find new ways to use arsenic. There’s only so much you can do with old lace, you know.

So it turns out that Dr. Oz came out with a study a few months ago saying that there were elevated levels of arsenic in apple juice and maybe we shouldn’t be pouring it down our children’s throat. And the Juice People responded with a claim that Dr. Oz’s study didn’t differentiate between organic and nonorganic arsenic because apparently only the finest and most organic arsenic is used for the apple juice.

And then Consumer Reports did a study that found that about 10 % of the juice samples had arsenic in levels that exceeded the federal standards of arsenic for water. Oh, and it was the inorganic kind, which is a known carcinogen.

Now there’s all sort of back and forth– like the federal standards for arsenic in water are low because people drink more water than juice. Except children are smaller than adults and I’m not convinced that all children drink more water than juice.

My take away from this was that Young Ladrinka, the only person in our household who drinks apple juice, should drink less and also that all the Mac products in our home should be replaced immediately.

Young Ladrinka is 10. I figured that I could talk to him honestly. This was a big mistake.

Marinka: I just heard a report that apple juice contains arsenic.

Young Larinka: What’s arsenic?

Marinka: It’s a poison.

Young Ladrinka: I’VE BEEN POISONED?

Marinka: Well not yet, but you should drink less apple juice.

Young Ladrinka: LESS apple juice? Why am I drinking apple juice at all?!

Marinka: You can still have some, just mix it with water.

Young Ladrinka: So I will mix poison with water?

And a few minutes later, he remembered something that happened yesterday. He got sick at school and my wonderful Papa came to rescue and picked him up. They stayed at home together and at some point Young Ladrinka picked up a ball. Well, he’ll tell you!

Young Ladrinka: So I pick up a ball just to move it somewhere and D-dude [ed. note: that’s what he calls my Papa] said, put the ball down and just relax. Have some apple juice. I think he was trying to kill me.

Marinka: I don’t think he was trying to kill you.

Young Ladrinka: Why would he want me to drink poison?

Marinka: It’s not exactly poison.

Young Ladrinka: Then you drink it.

Marinka: I don’t want to. I don’t like apple juice.

Young Ladrinka: Because you don’t like poison, mom.

Let me know if you’d like me to talk to your kids. I’m available at reasonable rates.

I’m at The Mouthy Housewives today giving advice about S-e-k-s. Come visit me there!

One year ago ...

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

christy November 30, 2011 at 10:51 am

You are SO funny! And that post yesterday (I think?) about the mouse cracked me up. So happy I have your blog to read! And no apple juice in my house to worry about. (Or mice either, that I know about anyway!)


Phoenix Rising
November 30, 2011 at 11:17 am

I always said there was this strange residual taste from apple juice. It was the poison. I also said apple juice smells like cat vomit. I hope to god they don’t put cat vomit in apple juice. That’d juice be wrong. I mean, who doesn’t poison from time to time – but vomit?! Ew.


sweetney November 30, 2011 at 11:28 am

Like I needed something else to worry about. GAWDDAMMIT.


cranky old man
November 30, 2011 at 12:22 pm

I prefer my Arsnic the old fashion way- with old lace!

This was very freaking funny

Cranky Old Man


November 30, 2011 at 1:55 pm

Maybe the mouse from yesterday’s post had drunk some apple juice, and that’s why it died.


November 30, 2011 at 2:37 pm

Dr. Oz better not start messing with Goldfish Crackers.


November 30, 2011 at 3:42 pm

I wouldn’t worry about Mac products. They keep arsenic in the Cloud.


Kara November 30, 2011 at 4:13 pm

Arsenic in children’s apple juice? Pfff! What’s the big deal? Just dilute it with water. Besides, it’s ORGANIC arsenic and everyone knows that organic is always healthy, right?

November 30, 2011 at 6:00 pm

Apples are just trouble. I remember in the eighties Meryl Streep was all up in arms about the poison sprayed on apples.


SaRaH November 30, 2011 at 6:56 pm

Sonofa… no wonder I got such a good deal on apple juice at the grocery! It seriously was an awesome sale. I’m such a sucker.


Hope November 30, 2011 at 8:48 pm

excellent and funny!


the mama bird diaries
November 30, 2011 at 9:43 pm

10%?! That’s ridiculous.
What about organic cider. B/c that’s what my daughter drinks.


ladyday December 1, 2011 at 12:31 am

I can’t stand Dr. Oz, GH and Dr. Phil equally. When my girls were young I used to buy 10 gallons of apple juice at a clip at the warehouse store (I am not kidding). They’re currently 18 & 21 and seemingly perfectly healthy.


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes December 1, 2011 at 7:13 am

Am I the only parent who’s kids hate juice of all kind? Mine won’t even touch the stuff with a 10 foot pole.


December 1, 2011 at 7:44 am

This is exactly why we only serve our kids chemical infused sodas in our house!


December 1, 2011 at 8:44 am

Awesome. Just switch him to white grape. I’m sure it tastes the same.

PS HOW MUCH do I love you that you threw in that reference to old lace? I would venture to bet that most people won’t get the joke, and you didn’t even spend your first 10 years watching old black-and-white Hollywood movies with your American mother, like the rest of us did. 😉 You are awesome.


Anna Lefler
December 1, 2011 at 10:22 am

I’m feeling much better now about slapping the juice box out of my son’s hand while screaming, “What, are you trying to snuff yourself?!?”



Bridget December 2, 2011 at 2:47 am

This is why apple juice works so well at shutting kids the hell up. If it were 15% I wouldn’t have to drink so much wine.


joeinvegas December 2, 2011 at 5:54 pm

Poisoning your kids? oh, no


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