How To Unsubscribe From E-Mail Updates

by Marinka on January 19, 2012

1. Subscribe to an email alert. Perhaps it’s from a local restaurant. That offers a .3% discount if you subscribe to their email alerts.

2. Receive an email update. Think, ooh! an email update! How fun!

3. After two years of daily email updates of such ilk as panini sale! And get ready for summer with our low-fat mozzarella sandwiches, decide to live email update-free.

3. Scroll down to the bottom of the email alert and click on the unsubscribe button. You’re free.

4. Receive a you have successfully unsubscribed from future email updates email update.

5. Rejoice.

6. A few days later, receive an email update.

7. Be unable to understand how something like this could have happened. You clicked unsubscribe. You received a confirmation email. Something is not adding up.

8. Decide that it was a glitch. Glitches happen! No system is perfect! Click unsubscribe again!

9. Repeat steps 4 and 5. But this time, with apprehension.

10. Get an email update.

11. Either click unsubscribe again and/or hit head against wall or any other durable object.

12. Consider changing email address. Pros: no more email updates. Cons: no more email from anyone again ever, unless you send a global email notifying them of your new email.

13. Consider moving out of country and assuming a new identity. Pros: no more email updates. Cons: a lot of work.

14. Consider learning to live with email updates. What’s the worst thing that can happen? It’s not like anyone has ever been murdered by an email update! Pros: nothing to do! Con: you will be the first person to be killed by an email update.

14. Write up a post about your battle with email update. Beam with pride. Everyone will be on your side and will laud you as a modern day e-heroine.

15. Leave post on screen in drafts. See 10 year old son walk by. See him reading it. Beam with more pride. This is blogging, son! Sharing knowledge with others! Hear 10 year old tell you, you know you can just mark it spam, right?

16. Vow never to leave post accessible to children again.

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It’s because I desperately miss the share function on Google Reader | Playgroups are No Place For Children | Playgroups are No Place For Children
January 20, 2012 at 4:35 pm

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Kara January 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Damn 10-year-olds and their superior wisdom! They’re making me feel like my parents (God rest their souls) who could only ever listen to one station on their ’82 Buick’s radio because they couldn’t figure out the push-button tuner.

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Mary January 19, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Too funny! Thanks for the laugh

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Mindy January 19, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Thank you to Young Ladrinka. This takes care of my problem with Dine n Diesel.

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hokgardner
Twitter:
January 19, 2012 at 3:39 pm

And now I’m off to mark several automatic e-mails as spam. I’ve been trying to unsubscribe from one list for four years. Never occurred to me to do the spam thing. Ladrinka is a genius.

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alaina
Twitter:
January 19, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I’ve marked things as spam though and then have to go empty my spam box i.e. I’m considering moving out of the country.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
January 19, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Oh and my personal favorite when there is not even an “unsubscribe” option at the bottom of the email. Because their email updates are soooo good, you couldn’t possibly ever unsubscribe.

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Adrienne
Twitter:
January 20, 2012 at 1:33 am

Pssshhh…10 year olds. What do they know? Not how to use a rotary phone, that’s for sure. So there!

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes January 20, 2012 at 6:53 am

I’d like to thank young Ladrinka for solving my problems with the unsubscribe-unwilling email updates. And you for bringing such a smart child into this world.

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Anna Lefler
Twitter:
January 20, 2012 at 8:38 am

I hope you grounded the crap out of him for sass.

And also, I’m with you. “Unsubscribing” is harder than quitting the Mob.

XO

A.

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DawnA January 20, 2012 at 10:22 am

Damn smart kids. I miss the days where my brain operated at warp speed and I remembered everything.

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Awesome Dude January 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

Get a new e-mail address.

E-mail addresses are small relationships, they outgrow themselves.

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joeinvegas January 20, 2012 at 11:55 am

16 should have been ‘mark address as spam’ and not given the attribution. Then everybody would have thanked you for that great idea.

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Marta
Twitter:
January 20, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Ha. I actually wouldn’t have thought of that myself.

Also, drives me insane when companies don’t follow the CAN-SPAM laws.

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julie gardner January 21, 2012 at 3:33 pm

My favorites are the updates I didn’t subscribe to in the first place.
Like Christian Mingle and AARP.

I don’t know which is more depressing.
Which means tomorrow, I’ll start getting emails from Cymbalta.

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Krista January 21, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Ha ha ha! The ones I don’t get are when you unsubscribe and it tells you “thank you, please allow 10 days for your request to be processed and in the mean time you may receive a few more emails from us that are already in progress”. WTF? Seriously? In this day and age of digital and instant everything it takes you 10 days to remove my email from your database?
And yeah, if I ever get them again after I’ve unsubscribed they definitely go right to spam! ;)

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Adventures In Babywearing January 22, 2012 at 12:08 pm

OMG I’ve been on an unsubscribe spree and that is genius.

Steph

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