I Demand to Be Mirandized Before Speaking to My Children

by Marinka on November 4, 2009

So this is what I don’t understand.  If you are a criminal, enjoying an afternoon of, say, murder and mayhem, and the police come over to talk to you, as they arrest you in anticipation of further discussion, they are going to read you the Miranda warning.

And unless you’ve never seen an episode of NYPD Blue, Law & Order or Cops, you know exactly what that is.  They warn you that if you start talking, what you say can and will be used against you.  To like prosecute you and shit.   What I don’t understand is why no one gives me a similar warning when my son starts asking me questions.

Like yesterday morning.  I’m getting the kids out the door for school, and as I lock the door, Young Ladrinka says to me, “When I’m a grown up, can you buy me a 3-D house.”

“No,” I tell him.  Because it is my favorite word and I enjoy denying my children things.  Also because I don’t know what a 3-D house is, but it sounds expensive.

“Why not?” he asks.

“Because when you are an adult, you will work and buy your own house,” I lie. I don’t want him to know that by the time that he’s grown up, Obama will have perfected the cradle-to-grave handouts and every child of every comrade who voted for Hope during the Dawn of 2008, will be given a mansion.  A mansion that previously belonged to the Upper Brackets.

But I didn’t want to tell my son that because, well, I like to lie.

“Can you at least get me a debit card?” he’s not giving up without a struggle. “Because with a credit card, I know that you have to pay it back.”  Which clearly doesn’t suit him business model.

“Don’t worry,” my daughter pipes in.  “When we are in college, we will get both! I can’t wait.”   Yes, I’m not looking to her to finance my stay at the Sunny Prunes Home for the Aged.

“You will both get credit and debit cards when you have jobs,” I measure my voice.

“But I need to pay to get a job!” my son protests.  I am mildly alarmed that he’s in the mafia, but I let it slide.  Because what kind of an idiot confronts a junior mafioso?  Not this idiot, that’s for sure!

“You don’t have to pay to get a job.  I mean, you have to pay for your education, like college and medical school.”

“I’m not going to medical school!” he says.

“Why not?”

“Because I am not interested in medical,”  he insists.  “So how will I get a 3-D house?”

I don’t see how I can get out of buying it for him, do you?

One year ago ...

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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }

ingrid November 4, 2009 at 5:37 am

fantastic. i want a 3d house too. 🙂

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Beth November 4, 2009 at 6:11 am

Get him some Legos and let him build his own 3-D house.
.-= Beth´s last blog ..She sells herself short =-.

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ryan November 4, 2009 at 8:32 am

This X-mas give him a pair of crappy 3-d glasses and a 3-d picture of a house. The card should read: Here you go.
.-= ryan´s last blog ..It’s Just a Hand And a Foot =-.

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OHmommy
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 8:39 am

What is it with kids this week? My son decided he no longer wants to be a dentist. He wants to event something really BIG and than play golf. I think he needs to spend the summer in Poland this year.
.-= OHmommy´s last blog ..Driving me (in)sane =-.

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Marinka November 4, 2009 at 10:22 pm

You mean there was a time when your kid wanted to be a dentist? I call this progress.

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CSY November 4, 2009 at 8:47 am

My daughter will be paying for ALL of our houses…you know, after she graduates High School and becomes the next ‘IT Girl’ and gets paid boocoo (pronounced boo coo) dollars…hey – a mom can dream can’t she?
.-= CSY´s last blog ..Good Old Fashioned Family Time… =-.

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Marinka November 4, 2009 at 10:23 pm

I don’t know what boo coo dollars are, but I’ll take a few million.

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Gray Matter Matters November 4, 2009 at 9:11 am

I like Ryan’s solution. Hey, it might be a good time to let you son know that all houses are 3-D. Unless you’re the Simpons.
.-= Gray Matter Matters´s last blog ..The Moment of Tooth =-.

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amy2boys
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 9:30 am

The Obama thing is hilarious. And what is a 3D house? Aren’t they all 3D anyway?

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Marinka November 4, 2009 at 10:26 pm

Yes, I thought that they were all 3D too. But obviously, he wants to make sure. We should all probably tell our real estate brokers “3D only, please!”

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anna see November 4, 2009 at 9:47 am

give him one of those magic eye books. tell him if he stares at it long enough his 3-D house will appear. or a dolphin.
.-= anna see´s last blog ..Eddie Haskell =-.

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Marinka November 4, 2009 at 10:27 pm

I think I still have a migraine from one of those books. They come with acid, right?

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake November 4, 2009 at 10:22 am

Tell him it means you’ll be living there too, if you pay for it.

That usually cures my children.
.-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Social Oblivion =-.

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Maureen@IslandRoar November 4, 2009 at 10:33 am

How about a 3D mortgage? What does that look like?
I LOL’d at his question. He is obviously precocious, and you are obviously in trouble.
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..Blog Award =-.

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Marinka November 4, 2009 at 10:28 pm

I think I have 4D mortgage.

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Julie B. November 4, 2009 at 11:58 am

I think posts about the ridiculous things that kids say are my all time favorites. Never underestimate them though. I asked my 4yo a few days ago what she wanted for Christmas and she told me a makeover Strawberry Shortcake with lipstick and a gumball my little horsie. I thought she was on LSD but after a google search, apparently these things exist. Have you tried googling “adult 3-D house” yet?
.-= Julie B.´s last blog ..Thanks Aiming Low =-.

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vodkamom November 4, 2009 at 12:21 pm

I am still laughing out loud over your title.

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vodkamom November 4, 2009 at 12:22 pm

and I demand to be medicated before speaking to mine.

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Nicole
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 1:48 pm

I agree about the miranda warning, and saying no, but i can’t believe you were not curious about what a 3D house is.

My son asked me if you had to pay to get a job the other day…ideally, they pay you, was my answer, but then i had to keep going…well, sometimes you pay a recruiter to help (I think, who knows?) or I might need contracter insurance, etc. I do need to keep it short and sweet like you.

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peajaye
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 1:49 pm

i don’t mean to criticize you, marinka, but i think you need to ask better questions. What exactly is a 3-D house, Young Ladrinka? Is this something that all the young ‘uns know about and crave? Why are you offering ME this future buying opportunity?
you see, this may be an investment tip, so if we, your loyal readers, are left out of the 3-D housing bubble before it bursts, it might very well be your fault.

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Issa
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 3:54 pm

Maybe for Christmas you should buy him one of those 3-D puzzle ones. Tell him that’s the closest he’ll ever get, without a job.
.-= Issa´s last blog ..We might be pack rats. *maybe* =-.

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MommyGeek
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 4:16 pm

If he’s in the mafia, I don’t see how you have a choice. It’s that, or cement shoes.
.-= MommyGeek´s last blog ..Vignette: The Married Mom & Body Image =-.

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Suzy
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 5:16 pm

Your children are clearly disturbed. Why not leave well enough alone?
.-= Suzy´s last blog ..Mammaries…From The Corners Of My Bra =-.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 10:46 pm

All that back and forth and you never inquired about what exactly a 3D house is? Please follow-up.

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Aunt Becky
Twitter:
November 4, 2009 at 11:15 pm

I think my kid is going to be the guy who collects carts at the grocery store.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..So I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Flu =-.

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anymommy November 5, 2009 at 1:42 am

My conservative, ham-eating husband loved the cradle to grave hand-out paragraph. I also like denying my children things. It prepares them for bread lines.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Teething =-.

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Wendi
Twitter:
November 5, 2009 at 9:21 am

Whenever I hear “mirandized” now, I think of Sex & The City and red hair. It’s very confusing.

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Jessica November 5, 2009 at 10:40 am

was that your son who stopped by my house the other day and told me I “needed” new dishes and it just so happens someone in your family makes dishes?

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