So I’m going to BlogHer in July, are you? If you are a non-blogger, BlogHer is like a blogging convention is where bloggers (people who like to express themselves via the written word and avoid all unnecessary human interaction) get together to meet and greet face to face. Personally, I plan to participate via Twitter.
To make things go smoother, I put together a list of important things to know about me when we meet. You know, to avoid awkwardness.
1. I don’t like to hug hello, good bye, or top of the morn to you.
2. Forget about kissing. And just to get this out of the way, you’re not undoing my bra, either.
3. I don’t mind shaking hands unless you’re all limp and moist. Or I am.
4. You know that crap about how it takes a million muscles to frown but just one to smile? That totally doesn’t work for me. My face naturally sets in a frown. I’m sorry! Even if I’m feeling super cheerful, which I am, like 99.9% of the time, I look like I’m pissed off.
5. I don’t like pictures. Posing for them or seeing other people’s. Your kids are adorable, your husband is a hunk and OMG, that looks like the best vacation ever. We’re good now, right?
6. I was planning on wearing jeans through the whole thing, but Wendi told me that I need a slutty cocktail dress. I’ll be channeling Courtney Love circa 1990. So the no smiling thing will still work for me.
7. I’m lonely! Why is everyone avoiding me? Just because I’m a frowning non-hugger dressed like a whore?
8. So my real name isn’t Marinka and I can’t quite bring myself to introduce myself as “Marinka”. Can I get away with “Jenny”?
9. A few years ago I diagnosed myself with auditory processing disorder, which means that if more than one person is talking, I can’t follow any conversation. I would really appreciate it if people spoke one at a time throughout BlogHer. If it’s not too much to ask, maybe we can make a chart? Like Anymommy will speak on Friday from noon to 12:04, then Shallow Gal will pipe in at 12:05. Is that ok?
10. I feel bad asking this, but please have your blog URL tattooed on your forehead. I’ll do the same. Because I have a freakishly huge forehead, so there’s plenty of room. Also, forehead is slang for “ass”, right? I just want to make sure that you’ll be able to find me.
Bonus: I am super jealous of everyone who is a keynote community speaker at BlogHer. First I thought that I’d be big about it and be happy about it, but fuck that shit. I’m totally heckling them all. Or locking them in their room. Whichever requires less work on my part.
So, are you going? Can’t wait to meet you! Smooches!
One year ago ...
- WTF - 2014