I’m in Imminent Danger!

by Marinka on February 22, 2010

Susan on the steps of the NYC's Plaza Hotel.

This is Susan. Isn’t she lovely?

Say “hi” to Susan, everyone.

I’ve known Susan for over 20 years.  We were roommates, and BFFs and she is my daughter’s godmother.

I love Susan.

Susan is nice.

Susan is trying to kill me.  I’ve already reported it to the authorities, but now I’m reporting it to you.

If you read my blog and do not suffer from dementia, you know that I was diagnosed with lardass-ism last week.

So I am trying to lose weight.

“Whenever you want to go jogging, I’m available!” Susan emailed me.

“How about a power walk instead?” I wrote back.  Because I believe in baby steps.  Which probably means I should have suggested a crawl instead, but I’m a bit of an overachiever.

“Sure!” she was on board. “Let’s meet at 10 on Saturday.”

I saw an easy out.  Because “unfortunately”, that is the time that I take my kids to karate. Motherhood is not for those who selfishly place their own wellbeing before that of their precious children.

“I can go at 8 am and not one second later,” I fired back. Certainly, Susan would want to sleep in on a Saturday and our power walk would have to be postponed until my children were black belts.

“Great, see you at 8,” she agreed.

On Saturday morning I woke up at 7:50 am.  For those of you who do not have a PhD in higher math, that left me only 10 minutes to get dressed and time travel 50  blocks uptown.

I was going to be late. I left Susan a message and jumped into a cab.

* * *

I arrived 10 minutes late at the Plaza, our designated meeting spot.

Susan was waiting for me.

“If you are late for weight loss, weight loss will be late for you,” she told me. “Next Saturday, we’re meeting at 7:30. Penalty.”
“Whatever,” I said. “Should we grab breakfast at the Plaza?”
“No,” Susan said and led me to Central Park.
Unfortunately, some other people had the bright idea to run a Race for Haiti on the same day.

“Look,” I told Susan, “I don’t want to be trampled to death.” I think I was being entirely reasonable.

“We’ll just walk on the side,” Susan reassured me.
We walked on the side. Unfortunately, the bikers were on the side as well, gunning for me.
Susan didn’t seem to want to discuss our imminent death by bikers, however.
“So what’s with this gaining 20 pounds?” Susan asked me. Because she reads my blog.
“I got weighed at the doctor’s and I gained 20 pounds,” and thank you for making me relive that horror.
“I thought you may have been exaggerating,” Susan said.
“Are you calling me a liar?” I gasped. Because I was out of breath, not because I was shocked.
“No,” she said. “But sometimes you blog-exaggerate.”
“I’ve never exaggerated once in my life.” I huffed. (Out of breath again, not drug addiction).
“Well,” Susan said, “I have tips for you. You should start out with exercising three days a week.”
“Start with three?” I fainted. Not from shock, though, but because I was exhausted by our power walk. “Three times a week is like Olympic calibre fanaticism. Maybe you’d like me to take steroids too?”
“No,” she reassures me, “Olympic athletes train six or seven days a week. You’ll start with three.”
“Okay, I’ll start with three,” and end with a coffin, I muttered under my breath. “Hey what’s this Mt. Kilamonjaro doing in the middle of Central Park?”
“That’s a slight incline,” Susan told me.
And then Susan suggested that I take a spinning class because it burns a lot of calories.
And unfortunately, when I checked, there’s a free spinning class at my local gym.
Except as Husbandrinka pointed out, “it’s not free, you pay for it with your membership.”
The other unfortunate thing about it is that it’s at 6:30 on Tuesday morning.
Husbandrinka thinks that I’m not going to make it to that class.
Place your bets now!

In all seriousness, thank you Susan for coming out with me on Saturday and for motivating me and for committing to our weekly power walk. If I have to haul ass all over Central Park on a weekend morning, there’s no one that I’d rather do it with.

One year ago ...

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Gretchen February 22, 2010 at 12:27 am

I worry about this Susan person. Turning down breakfast at the Plaza in favor of sweating in the park with a bunch of Haitians? Hmmm. Clearly some sort of exercise fanatic.


Sophie February 22, 2010 at 2:44 am

Running is bad for you. I’m sure Susan has only your best in mind, but.. excercising three times a week? to start with? I dunno. My shoulder hurts. From yesterday’s excercise class. It’s a hazardous business.
Besides, you’re not fat. You’re wholesome!


February 22, 2010 at 7:31 am

We all need friends like Susan to whip our fat asses into shape. My friend and I say we will and never do. She never calls to firm up our walk and I breath a sigh of relief. And my ass shows it. But…the diet and exercise begin this week. NO excuses. I can’t fit into my clothes and I have to look nice for job interviews. Should I ever get one that is.


Jeanne February 22, 2010 at 7:52 am

I’ll be in town next month for a few days, and would be happy to meet before my class (which starts at 9 am and runs till 7 pm) to walk/jog/crawl with you! Because I too am looking to drop 20 pounds (preferably before my high school reunion this summer).

If you can’t make it, maybe you could hook me up with Susan?


February 22, 2010 at 8:46 am

Why do I predict a future letter to the Mouthy Housewives from Susan?


February 22, 2010 at 9:52 am

I am beyond jealous that you get to exercise in Central Park every weekend. (Or at the very least you have the opportunity to do it.) I lurve running in Central Park. Unfortunately, I almost never get to do it.


Crys February 22, 2010 at 9:52 am

Huh…a friend of mine and I were THINKING about exercising…I really should do it – I’ve got to look half way decent this summer…my 12 yr old thinks she’s gonna get me in a bikini. I hate to burst her bubble, but THIS mommy will NEVER fit in a bikini (not even when I’m dead – which I’m POSITIVE my family is trying to do!)


February 22, 2010 at 10:07 am

This sounds like the perfect Woman-In-Peril movie! Best friends! But are they?! When Marinka discovers her BFF is trying to kill her (via exercise) then steal her husband and children, it’s time for action. Don’t miss “Exercise Restraint – The Marinka Blogista Story” – on Lifetime!


christine February 22, 2010 at 11:07 am

Susan sounds like a keeper. I wish I had someone to beat my ass into working out.


christy February 22, 2010 at 11:25 am

We could all use a friend like Susan! At least, I could. Man, that spinning class early. But I bet you’ll go!


SoccerMom February 22, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Here’s something for you, that you can do in the privacy of your own home. Of course it will totally kick your ass at first. You should totally try the bosu ball. I am warning you though, you might not be able to get out of bed the next day. Using the Bosu ball everyday will eventually get you into great shape, clean to your core.


February 22, 2010 at 1:48 pm

So…what you’re saying is that you don’t bloggerate at all? Hmmm….


February 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm
elenka February 22, 2010 at 2:35 pm

I’ve been subsidizing my gym for 6 months. I do not honor them with my appearance….don’t want to bum out the other participants with how svelte I am. Hubby says I should go, since I’m paying for it anyway. I suppose he’s right. Or maybe he’s not. I can see both sides….


the mama bird diaries
February 22, 2010 at 5:47 pm

spinning is absolute torture. do not attempt this.


February 22, 2010 at 8:35 pm

Spinning is hell on wheels.

I have been trying to lose the same 10 pounds, give or take my summertime motivation and my wintertime diet of homemade mac and cheese, for 2 years now. I obviously need a Susan of my own.


February 22, 2010 at 10:12 pm

I tried spinning once. I did not like where they seemed to want me to insert the bike seat.

However, if you make it to that class Tuesday morning, I will eat a cookie in your honor. What? I am really nice like that.


Tiffany February 22, 2010 at 10:18 pm

spinning breaks your vagina. you could ask mine about it, but, that might be weird.


Erin February 23, 2010 at 7:57 am

This is a great post. Nice job with the speed walking! I think I need my own personal Susan.


Lee of MWOB February 23, 2010 at 10:56 am

Now that you put it that way, I realize I have people who want to kill me too.


Good luck with your power walks and before you know it, you’ll be racing for Haiti too.


tena February 23, 2010 at 12:09 pm

Susan scares me and she clearly wants you dead.


Melanie February 24, 2010 at 11:26 am

I love Susan. I know that’s kind of weird since I don’t know her but maybe she’d like an intern? I would be a bad ass intern.

Also, Spinning rocks. Seriously, your vagina will be fine.


Kate Coveny Hood
February 24, 2010 at 11:57 pm

This only the beginning. Today – a weekly power walk. Next year – the New York Marathon! Or maybe two weekly power walks. Having a friend to keep you motivated is key – she’s even motivating me. Definintely going to the gym tomorrow.


Mary @ Holy Mackerel
March 8, 2010 at 2:54 pm

We all need a Susan.


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