I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve gained some weight. The amount isn’t important, just mortifying, so I made the emergency decision to get in shape! In time for the holidays, in case the Rockettes need an understudy or something.
In other news, life has no meaning, good bye, cruel world.
As always, my family has been super supportive.
For example, mama recently said, “I so worried about you. You eat and you eat more. Papa thinks that food is your therapy. Tell me, what is wrong?”
And I said, “Well, for one, this conversation is wrong,” but it sounded like “veff, vof juan, wif kkonffersfe iff ffonk,” because I was, well, chewing.
And don’t worry, papa got to chime in as well.
“You are intoxicating yourself with the food,” he said. “This not normal.”
“WHAT?” I said, having swallowed the last morsel. Well, the last morsel for the moment. “I need nutrients.”
Mama wasn’t done helping.
“I thought you had tooth ache,” she said, “because one side of your face look swollen. But then I see, other side of face swollen too and then I realize, face not swollen, face is fat.” And she puffed out her cheeks so that I could see what she meant.
Or maybe as a homage to Dizzy Gillespie, who the hell knows.
I asked Husbandrinka.
“Do you think I’ve gained weight?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“In what way?”
“I’m not sure.”
Also, mama is helping me by getting me an issue of Heart Healthy Living, a magazine whose tagline is, I shit you not, Beat Stronger, Live Longer. Er..
So, I’ve taken the first step.
Well, more like the second step. The first step was eating all the food in the house, because that removes temptation.
But then I decided to get serious. And I ordered the Jillian Michaels’ 30 Days Shred DVD from Amazon. That was on Monday.
I was feeling pretty good about my fitness regime. What? I’m talking about a lifetime commitment to health, and slow and steady does it.
I ordered the DVD, what else do you want me to do, embroider a yellow star of David and pin it to my shirt while I wait for it?
Sadly for me, and people who love America and its freedoms, I woke up on Tuesday morning to some devastating news. An email telling me that the Shred DVD had not only shipped, but would be arriving at my home that same day. Seriously, are these people kidding me? Don’t they have anything better to do? What’s the insane rush? This instant gratification phenomenon that everyone is obsessed with is what got our country into the whole financial mess in the first place. (I think. I’m not an economist or anything.)
But sadly, yesterday afternoon, the DVD arrived. And my life, as I knew it, came to a screaming halt.