It’s Weighing On Me

by Marinka on December 2, 2009

I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve gained some weight. The amount isn’t important, just mortifying, so I made the emergency decision to get in shape! In time for the holidays, in case the Rockettes need an understudy or something.

In other news, life has no meaning, good bye, cruel world.

As always, my family has been super supportive.

For example, mama recently said, “I so worried about you. You eat and you eat more. Papa thinks that food is your therapy. Tell me, what is wrong?”
And I said, “Well, for one, this conversation is wrong,” but it sounded like “veff, vof juan, wif kkonffersfe iff ffonk,” because I was, well, chewing.
And don’t worry, papa got to chime in as well.
“You are intoxicating yourself with the food,” he said. “This not normal.”
“WHAT?” I said, having swallowed the last morsel. Well, the last morsel for the moment. “I need nutrients.”

Mama wasn’t done helping.
“I thought you had tooth ache,” she said, “because one side of your face look swollen. But then I see, other side of face swollen too and then I realize, face not swollen, face is fat.” And she puffed out her cheeks so that I could see what she meant.
Or maybe as a homage to Dizzy Gillespie, who the hell knows.

I asked Husbandrinka.
“Do you think I’ve gained weight?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
“It’s hard to say.”
“In what way?”
“I’m not sure.”

Also, mama is helping me by getting me an issue of Heart Healthy Living, a magazine whose tagline is, I shit you not, Beat Stronger, Live Longer. Er..

So, I’ve taken the first step.
Well, more like the second step. The first step was eating all the food in the house, because that removes temptation.
But then I decided to get serious. And I ordered the Jillian Michaels’ 30 Days Shred DVD from Amazon. That was on Monday.
I was feeling pretty good about my fitness regime. What? I’m talking about a lifetime commitment to health, and slow and steady does it.
I ordered the DVD, what else do you want me to do, embroider a yellow star of David and pin it to my shirt while I wait for it?

Sadly for me, and people who love America and its freedoms, I woke up on Tuesday morning to some devastating news. An email telling me that the Shred DVD had not only shipped, but would be arriving at my home that same day. Seriously, are these people kidding me? Don’t they have anything better to do? What’s the insane rush? This instant gratification phenomenon that everyone is obsessed with is what got our country into the whole financial mess in the first place. (I think. I’m not an economist or anything.)

But sadly, yesterday afternoon, the DVD arrived. And my life, as I knew it, came to a screaming halt.

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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

Braja December 2, 2009 at 4:50 am

Your husband’s response is brilliant. Is he a lawyer?
.-= Braja´s last blog ..Veni, Vidi, Visa… =-.

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Scary Mommy
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 6:27 am

Seriously, what the fuck? Mine arrived yesterday. Wasn’t supposed to be here until Thursday- I thought I had a whole 5 days of gluttony left. Amazon blows. And life? Is about to suck.
.-= Scary Mommy´s last blog ..Hello, December =-.

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neena December 2, 2009 at 6:51 am

I lasted 6 days with the shred and then decided I’d totally rather be fat.
.-= neena´s last blog ..The Holiday Card Photo =-.

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lisa December 2, 2009 at 7:58 am

Is the Shred endorsed by Oprah? If so, don’t work too hard because you’ll only be skinny for about 6 months before you gain it all back.

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Aunt Becky
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 8:37 am

I lost 17 pounds by ordering The Shred. TRUE STORY.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Victory Tastes Like Bacon. Mmmmm Bacon. (etc) =-.

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Maureen@IslandRoar December 2, 2009 at 8:45 am

Oh me too. Usually I don’t feel fat till after the holidays.
This year I’m way ahead of the game.
The exercise bike beckons…
Good luck!
.-= Maureen@IslandRoar´s last blog ..More Bloggy Bling =-.

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Honey B.
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 9:07 am

Beware the Shred. I don’t have a good history with workout DVD’s anyways, but my husband said the amount of cursing that emanated from my workout location was alarming, even for one of MY workouts.
~HB
.-= Honey B.´s last blog ..Marmots and Other Fuzzies… =-.

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Heather December 2, 2009 at 9:09 am

Husbandrinka is a genius. Seriously, don’t ask those questions. It’s cruel.
You better document your pain…er…journey.
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Adventures In Cancun (Pack A Lunch) =-.

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Sprite's Keeper
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 9:16 am

Screaming halt? Things will be screaming for a while with the Shred. That reminds me. I need a humbling experience. Maybe I’ll put that in my DVD player tonight. (I seem to like torture almost as much as the cookies.)
.-= Sprite’s Keeper´s last blog ..This Year? We had the turkey for DESSERT. =-.

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Maelstrom December 2, 2009 at 9:37 am

I love this:
“I thought you had tooth ache,” she said, “because one side of your face look swollen. But then I see, other side of face swollen too and then I realize, face not swollen, face is fat.”

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amy2boys
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 9:42 am

Husbandrinka is a smart, smart man. (And the Shred – she hurts. Just sayin…)
.-= amy2boys´s last blog ..Sloth =-.

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Pauline
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 10:15 am

You are going to have to order some DVDS for husbandrinka to keep him occupied because you will be out of commission with The Shred. I’m just saying, like amy2boys, it hurts in places you thought you would never hurt in.
.-= Pauline´s last blog ..Overwhelming love in a digital age =-.

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Kathy December 2, 2009 at 10:25 am

I want that DVD too let me know how you like it! I’m waiting until after the holidays ! Some thing to look forward to!
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..The thrill of the hunt! =-.

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anymommy December 2, 2009 at 11:44 am

What is this shred of which you speak? Like shredded pork? Oh. Wait. Can you eat shredded pork this close to Hanukkah?

I can loan you a huge, hungry nursing baby if you want. Guaranteed to work. If you can make milk.
.-= anymommy´s last blog ..Thank You =-.

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Tiffany December 2, 2009 at 11:50 am

If the Shred doesn’t work out for you, try Wii Fit (I seem to recall your son has a Wii). The combination of Yoga, Strength, Aerobic and Balance games are fun to the point where you forget you are working out. Over the first 6 weeks, without changing my eating habits, I lost 6 lbs. Between weeks 7 and 12 I lost another 4.5lbs. It has now been over 5 months and I still enjoy doing it, feel & look better and (most importantly in my book) haven’t tripped over ‘nothing’ since early June.

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Estela @ Weekly Bite December 2, 2009 at 12:26 pm

I did the Shred Video after I had my baby… it was a lot harder than i thought.
It does work though ;)
.-= Estela @ Weekly Bite´s last blog ..Dieting Versus Calorie Counting… What works? =-.

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Melanie December 2, 2009 at 12:33 pm

Awesome. You sounds like me. Just started the Power 90 dvd’s with Tony Horton about 20 days ago. I’m still in pain.
.-= Melanie´s last blog ..He’s A Brick House =-.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake December 2, 2009 at 12:57 pm

I hope you are prepared to do like I did when I first started the Shred, which was learn how to type with my nose. It was the only part of me that didn’t hurt. However, I went a little overboard at first by deciding I would exercise every single day for 30 days ! Did I say I went a little overboard? I really meant I went fucking insane.

But, once I cut back to 3-4 times a week, things went better. I’m still doing it, if that means anything.

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Jennifer December 2, 2009 at 1:26 pm

I think I may or may not have purchased THE SHRED, too? But if I did, I know I never mustered the courage to open the damn thing.

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Ann's Rants December 2, 2009 at 1:39 pm

No problem. I’m sure you can shred and write at the same time.
.-= Ann’s Rants´s last blog ..Dear Crossing Czarina =-.

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Coma Girl
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 1:48 pm

I am so excited that you ordered that DVD. I can’t wait to read those blog posts.

Oh, is that selfish?

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Wendi
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 1:59 pm

Is The Shred the one where Mike Myers is a green ogre? How does that get you in shape? I don’t understand.
.-= Wendi´s last blog ..The Work Out =-.

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Holly December 2, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Thanks to Scary Mommy for rewteeting this. Marinka, you are hysterical. I’m going to enjoy this blog!!!

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Stina
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 3:26 pm

i think you’ll do great with the Shred. if you need motivation, watch Jillian on The Biggest Loser. take care and good luck. i would never attempt her DVD. i am thinking about her detox pills, though.

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Masala Chica
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 4:03 pm

I hate hate hate that dvd. passionately so. at least your mom never bought you diet pills for christmas. my friend’s mom gave her some in her christmas stocking one year.
.-= Masala Chica´s last blog ..The Names My Parents Called Me (at home) =-.

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Jos December 2, 2009 at 5:29 pm

my dryer keeps shrinking my f-ing clothes so nothing fits anymore. what? I’m totally rooting for you from my seat on the couch.

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anna see December 2, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Oh my. Good luck with that. I’m just buying looser pants, or loser pants, depending how you look at it.

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MommyTime
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 8:01 pm

Okay, not that you asked for assvice or anything, but I’m throwing in my two cents. (Because I am too Type A not too.) The first time I tried to do the Shred, I was all “blah blah blah boring intro information, yadda yadda yadda, get me to the exercise part.” And so I conveniently missed (skipped) the bit about how when you do lunges it is extremely important that your knee and ankle line up in a straight line. Apparently, if you bend your knee so that it extends in an angle past your toes when your foot is flat on the floor, you do some kind of horror-pain-inducing damage to your knees. Apparently, if you are too impatient to listen to directions, you will incapacitate yourself almost beyond belief in one 30-minute session (oh, yes, there are about 8 quadrillion lunges in this workout). I seriously could only hobble for days and could hardly bear enough weight on my knees to make it up the stairs. The second time I tried the Shred, once I’d learned that handy tip about the lunges, I can’t say that I was exactly comfortable with all that exercise, but I didn’t feel like my knees were exploding with every step. Have fun. When are you starting? Maybe I’ll join the club and get my dvd out and do it again with you. I am one big soft mass of pie and cookies right now, so I could use something to kick me into gear…

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Tasha December 2, 2009 at 10:28 pm

When I first started, I HATED Jillian Michaels. But after losing 6 pounds in 2 weeks, I have grown to love her. Good luck! And stick with it, you will be happy that you did!

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blognut
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 10:31 pm

I’m pretty sure you only have to watch the Shred DVD, you don’t have to actually do anything.

I think.

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K-Line December 2, 2009 at 10:35 pm

Hilarious as always, because it is SO true. The minute I resolve to “take action” I am compelled to eat everything in sight. Absurdly.

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Sorry For The Convenience
Twitter:
December 2, 2009 at 11:57 pm

Was just wondering if the DVD came with a gift-with-purchase. Like, say, a package of Chips Ahoy.

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Amber December 3, 2009 at 12:13 am

Good luck. Jillian scares me. I don’t think I could do that shred thing without crying.

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always home and uncool
Twitter:
December 3, 2009 at 12:38 am

Listening Jillian’s voice is enough to make me run.

As far away from her as possible.

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SweetPeaSurry
Twitter:
December 3, 2009 at 5:25 am

YOU CAN DO EET!!!! I know you can, and it’ll be FUN, for about a half a second.

Best of luck!!!

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Vicki
Twitter:
December 3, 2009 at 8:41 am

If you’re ordering something called ‘The Shred’, then you’re just asking for it. That’s why I always buy ‘My Pretty Pony Sparkles Fat Burning Aerobics’.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
December 3, 2009 at 9:36 am

I checked it out from the library. Never opened the box. Didn’t loose any weight or get in shape. I’m not sure what whent wrong.

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Jen
Twitter:
December 3, 2009 at 12:31 pm

I’m so looking forward to hearing your thoughts on this dvd. I tried it but couldn’t get past day 6. After not being able to walk up and down steps for almost a week, I decided it just wasn’t worth the pain. I’d rather just keep the flab and have total use of my legs.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 3, 2009 at 10:47 pm

you’re joining the shredders!! congrats. i am now begging for a shred vlog from you.

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JulieBouf December 4, 2009 at 1:08 am

Some advice for responding to Mama and Papa:

I found the best line in one of Katie’s library books today. One cow was about to eat cream puffs and the other asked, “I thought you were on a diet?” The other cow replied, “I AM on a diet. I have 12 cream puffs, but I’m only going to eat 11.”

How’s that for a great life lesson for a 4 year old. It has become a weekly endeavor for Katie to find great library books that are totally inapproriate for children.

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JulieBouf December 4, 2009 at 1:12 am

PS. I already told Jill (ScaryMommy) this, but ordering the DVD is a great first step and if Husbandrinka is as helpful as mine – he’ll take it and store it with the comedies….where it belongs.

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heidi December 4, 2009 at 1:42 pm

I bought the 30DS after my first kid and yes, it sucks… it sucks so bad you can’t believe it. BUT IT WORKS. Don’t give up – keep challenging yourself and you will totally see results, and for me it was pretty fast.
Fact: It will kick your ass. Just go slow. Do it the first few times with no weights at all and don’t do it every day, that’s just asking for trouble. Give yourself time between to rest up – because yes, you will need it. But keep going back to it. I justified it to myself like, c’mon it’s only a half an hour of my day. But I’m telling you, I would be dripping sweat, like grossly sweaty with red face and all. So def do it in private. I wouldn’t let my husband even be in the room when I did it (and I live in a teeny tiny apartment in NYC). I made him go to the bedroom, bathroom, whatever I don’t care just give me a half hour and then come back.
And believe it or not, after a couple of weeks I started to enjoy it. I started to actually push myself during the exercise as opposed to just struggling to get through it. I started to take the long ass ridiculous stairs at the Lex/53rd St subway station instead of the escalator (hello, I counted: 132 steps to the street) and I started to get stronger. And I liked it!!!
ETA: I’m 5 months preg with kid #2, so no more shred for me – but I am 2 sizes smaller in my maternity clothes this time around which feels fuckin awesome.

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abdpbt December 4, 2009 at 9:50 pm

I’m thinking about trying the shred as a compliment to my other workouts. If I could somehow manage to lose weight by just exercising then I really feel like all of my problems would be solved. Because I’m shallow.

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