Magazinephobia

by Marinka on September 16, 2008

We are heading to North Carolina next weekend to visit my in-laws and I am becoming anxious. Not because we are flying on a plane that my husband told me is called a turbo prop (ok, is that just a fancy word for a helicopter? Because I can say my goodbyes now).

I am anxious because my mother-in-law and I are magazine-incompatible. So when I am unable to sleep because North Carolina is so freaking quiet and apparently, I need street traffic to lull me to sleep, I will be forced to flip through the Good Housekeeping and Reader’s Digest issues in the living room. Not that there’s anything wrong with Good Housekeeping and Reader’s Digest, of course, except one of my fears is that I am in a semi-conscious state where I can hear and understand, but not communicate, and my distraught family sits by my bedside day after day, and because the doctors told them that I find familiar voices soothing, they read to me every day from Good Housekeeping and Ladies’ Home Journal and on special occasions, Redbook. Maybe I should update my living will. And right next to the place where it states, “if my husband has fallen in love with someone else, I ask that no expense be spared in prolonging my life, regardless of quality, but if he’s in deep mourning, put some lipstick on me and pull the plug,” pencil in something about “please limit all reading materials to the approved list on Attachment A. And read with feeling, you drones!”.

In case I don’t get to updating my living will, what with the new season of Desperate Housewives starting soon and all, I thought that it would be a good idea to post my approved magazine list here, for easy reference.

You should probably carry it around with you at all times, in case the unthinkable happens.

US Weekly, but only in nail salons. ( I understand that it may be awkward to get the comatose Marinka to a nail salon, so I apologize in advance for any inconvenience.) US Weekly is important for their “Just like us/Not like us” features, although they don’t seem to feature Jen Aniston freebasing pints of Haagen Dasz Chocolate Peanut Butter. I also love the “Who Wears It Best” feature, where the editors stop innocent people on the street, show them photos of different celebrities wearing the same outfit and ask them to decide who the outfit looks better on. Of course another benefit of liking US Weekly is that if you’re ever making a list of magazines that you like, there’s a chance that someone will confuse US Weekly with the US News & World Report and think that you’re super smart and informed.

Oprah Magazine I just realized that even though I subscribe to this magazine, I don’t know if it’s called O or Oprah and I am so lazy that I can’t get up and look or even google. And also that I don’t care. I love the articles, blah blah blah, but what I really love is that when I first subscribed, Oprah sent me a letter welcoming me to her family. That’s right, we’re family now. Although apparently estranged, since I let my subscription lapse.

Real Simple I fell in love with this magazine when I read their guide to phobias. It was in chart form, had the name of the phobia, its manifestations and Real Simple ™ solutions of how you can combat it. My favorite was pteromechanophobia, which is the fear of flying (not the Erica Jong version), the manifestation was worrying about dying in a fiery crash and the solution was to do “an especially engrossing sodoku puzzle.” Thanks, Real Simple! Love, Real Simpleton.

New Yorker The cartoons are great! And the articles are great, too. Although kind of endless. But if you finish an article, you’re instantly an expert on the subject that you just read about and are a big hit at cocktail parties. Unless you’re at a cocktail party where another guest read the same article and then it becomes one of those awkward “Who Tells It Best” competitions. But since I won’t be in a position to attend any parties, it shouldn’t be a problem! Win, win!

P.S. Ok, I know what you’re thinking–why don’t I just buy a magazine at the airport and put us all out of our fucking misery? First of all, I don’t appreciate your using such language. And second of all, do you think these blog posts just write themselves? No, I need topics, people! I am about three posts away from posting my belly pics and I am not even pregnant.

One year ago ...

0saves
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to the RSS feed.
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }

Mama Ginger Tree September 16, 2008 at 7:42 pm

I always knew you were a simpleton.

Reply

MomMega September 16, 2008 at 7:57 pm

Ooooh US Weekly is my dirty little secret. I buy it at the grocery store and go through the self-check, so that I can’t be judged…

Reply

Melissa September 16, 2008 at 8:06 pm

That’s my nail salon treat, too. That and Cosmo. Never anywhere else…

Like the new look!

Reply

Anonymous September 16, 2008 at 8:51 pm

What about Vanity Fair? You’ve got heaping helpings of fluff, but if you need an excuse for why you’re ignoring everyone you can tell them you’re reading some important article on politics. Too bad they are too heavy and would weight your prop plane down too much.

The thing about Real Simple is that I’m sure it’s lovely and all but it always reminds me of the store where I saw a needlepoint cushion that said “Simplify”. Needlepoint cushions are by definition the opposite of simplifying, and a glossy magazine about leading a simpler life always strikes me the same way too.

Obviously the main thing you need is a laptop and wireless access, and then ALL of your needs will be met, and ours will too–win/win!

Reply

Kate Coveny Hood September 16, 2008 at 10:48 pm

Turbo prop? I have four words for you: Herbie the Love Bug. I flew Cape Air once and all I could think was, “this is what that show Wings was about??” I guess I was so caught up in Lyle and Faye’s zaniness that I didn’t realize it was a show about having a death wish.

Just kidding. Kind of.

P.S. I’d like to see a belly shot.

Reply

anymommy September 16, 2008 at 11:48 pm

Aha. The last sentence is one of my favorites ever. I love US Weekly. In fact, I bought one today for my plane ride on Thursday so that I can ignore my obnoxious toddlers annoying others!

Reply

Kylie w Warszawie September 17, 2008 at 2:32 am

This is like me at my grandparent’s house. It’s usually the only time I read magazines and they’re the same ones.

MIL reads things like Weekly World News and The Enquirer. Which would be far more entertaining to be read by family members if you were comatose.

The only magazines I actually subscribe to are scrapbooking magazines. Those are a wee bit hard to read, since they’re mostly pictures. I should put it in my living will that they have to describe them to me in excruciating detail and use the correct names for everything so that I’ll know what they’re talking about.

Reply

Heinous September 17, 2008 at 5:53 am

Sorry, I’m a book and short story kind of person. I will however set up a magazine drive for you. I’ll also look into getting a tattoo of that list just so I don’t lose it.

Reply

Maggie, Dammit September 17, 2008 at 7:15 am

Ok, this?

“Thanks, Real Simple! Love, Real Simpleton.”

made me choke on my smoothie, but your last line made me actually spittle some out onto my laptop.

I thank you.

Reply

Tracey September 17, 2008 at 7:48 am

Oh man. You are cracking me up! Please don’t resort to belly pics. Feet pics are better. I should know. I did a post written by my feet once. Yes. I know, I know…

Reply

Insta-mom September 17, 2008 at 7:56 am

I am adding those exact words about my husband’s state of mourning to my living will. Brilliant.

Reply

WA September 17, 2008 at 8:06 am

I subscribe to both USWeekly and Newsweek. Either that makes me a bright moron or a shallow genius. Haven’t figured it out yet.
And at my parents’ house, I’m stuck with Woman’s Day and The Military Times.

Reply

Aunt Becky September 17, 2008 at 8:38 am

Bwahahahaha!

Yeah, see, if I was blessed enough to spend some Real Quality Time at my in-laws (which will never, ever happen, because I will mysteriously have plague when the time came) I’d be stuck reading Christian Quarterly issues from 1957.

Reply

Carolyn...Online September 17, 2008 at 1:23 pm

Would it violate some kind of copyright law if I copy-cat stinkin’-rat your living will part?

Reply

bernthis September 17, 2008 at 3:59 pm

PEOPLE magazine. A must have when flying cross country or before surgery. REally calms the nerves when right before you pass out you find out that even Reese Witherspoon doesn’t always look so glamourous.

have a great trip

Reply

Maura September 17, 2008 at 5:09 pm

I kind of stopped paying attention right around “Haagen Dasz Chocolate Peanut Butter” – sorry.

Reply

jen September 18, 2008 at 9:06 pm

i can’t remember what i was going to write…you made me laugh with the threat of belly pics.

Reply

Z September 19, 2008 at 6:25 am

Great living will addendums, and fantastic magazine choices 🙂

Reply

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: