Oof

by Marinka on September 9, 2010

I know that you probably think I’m a hypochondriac because of that time that I thought that I was having a stroke and then recovered after a lady-like burp or because I diagnosed myself with melanoma to the kazillionth degree and then when I showed the malignancy to medicine man papa, he said “there is nothing there”, but it so happens that I’m on my death bed right now. Except I’m at my desk, but that doesn’t make it any less deathly.

I have a new symptom–my left foot is tingling. Like weird, unpleasant tingling that’s annoying and distracting. Of course I googled it and about 34 possible causes popped up. So I decided to take the possible causes in alphabetical order, and the first one was ARSENIC POISONING.

So I approached Husbandrinka and presented him with the J’accuse irrefutable evidence and he basically shrugged. I’m guessing because he wanted to consult with a criminal defense attorney first and self-Mirandized or something.

Needless to say I’m devastated. Because it’s one thing to think that you have a disease and quite another to know that your beloved husband, to whom you’ve devoted your life and many a blog entry is trying to kill you.

I guess I’ll rent The Burning Bed, just in case.

One year ago ...

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Whitney
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 10:21 am

Perhaps you should have parental locks but on WebMD. I do the same thing. Every time I have a headache, I have an aneurysm! I just know it!!

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annie September 9, 2010 at 11:03 am

It may also be peripheral neuropathy which, like your many other issues, can be treated with medication. Maybe husbandrinka should find you a good psychotherapist, I mean neurologist, instead of an attorney. And maybe we can go together and get a group discount.

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MarathonMom September 9, 2010 at 1:09 pm

That husbandrinka is such a card! They showed this same movie on the Lifetime MenWhoKillandWomenWhoLovethemAndHateTheirCats movie marathon this past weekend. If I were you I would get on the horn with your favorite actresses so that you get someone good to play your part in the movie.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 10:18 pm

Excellant answer!!!

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Issa
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Only you could end up thinking you had Arsenic poisoning. Um friend? You need your Dr. Google and WebMD privileges revoked.

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Tess Jones
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 2:09 pm

Could be fibromyalgia…but the temporary kind. Usually affects the feet. Have you been getting enough sleep? Completely uninterrupted sleep? I would imagine (as a mom of two young kids myself) the answer is…NO!

The good news is, it’s time to start planning a rejuvenating weekend at a spa! It’s medically necessary!!

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christy September 9, 2010 at 2:32 pm

I’ve banned myself from clicking on WebMD. I just wish I could get my husband on board with this ban – he had a stomachache and thought it was cancer. Argh! ps I’ve never seen the burning bed…

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Kim- Mommycosm
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 2:40 pm

I’m impressed it didn’t say you have cancer. I always have cancer when I google my symptoms.

Are you sure your spanx aren’t cutting off circulation a bit? Yeah. That’s happened to me before. Just a thought.

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magpie September 9, 2010 at 3:05 pm

I think you should go home, put your feet up, and read Strong Poison by Dorothy L. Sayers – it’s all about arsenic poisoning.

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Sophie@Fabrications September 9, 2010 at 3:36 pm

Hey, in our position*, you can never be too careful!

* Beautiful, amazing, smart, talented, goddess-like Jewish mama.

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Awesome dude September 9, 2010 at 4:41 pm

One of the first psychiatric axioms is that the delusions are not amenable to logic.

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joeinvegas September 9, 2010 at 4:51 pm

Did you really expect him to admit that? You must have a friendly marriage if he would. Well, perhaps not as friendly if that’s what he is admitting to.

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anna see September 9, 2010 at 5:53 pm

sounds like your diagnosis is right on. i’ll testify if it ever goes to trial.

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A Mom on Spin September 9, 2010 at 5:54 pm

Perhaps he was just self-Marinka-izing instead. . .

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MommyTime
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 9:38 pm

You should be truly worried if he starts baking you cookies. (If you don’t know why, rent the hilarious movie Arsenic and Old Lace instead of The Burning Bed.)

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Wendi
Twitter:
September 9, 2010 at 11:09 pm

Loosen your shoe, genius.

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dusty earth mother September 9, 2010 at 11:16 pm

Honestly, this whole thing just made me laugh so hard (including Wendi’s comment) that I have nothing else to say. Oh, except that I think arsenic is really hard to get without a prescription. Is Husbandrinka an MD?

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Vicki
Twitter:
September 10, 2010 at 7:11 am

So, I have a question. Is it more tingling, or is it more twitching? My foot (heel) definitely twitches from time to time (every couple of weeks) and I’m pretty sure it’s ALS, but every time I cry out to Mr. B to come feel the twitch he never does and then he accuses me of lying. People never have any respect for the sick these days.

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Loukia September 10, 2010 at 9:11 am

You’re hilarious, with this post. As usual.
I worry about everything, all the time, too. Every symptom I have means death is near. A sore throat I had for two means meant cancer. If my left arm hurts, I make sure to keep the Asprin within arm’s reach in case it’s a heart attack. I write to my kids every night in my/their journal’s so they’ll remember me in case I die in my sleep. Blah. I think I need therapy?

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