I’M JUST NOT FEELING THE LOVE TODAY  By Jessica of Bern This
Want to know of a great way to commit suicide in Los Angeles? Try standing in an empty parking spot along the side of a busy thoroughfare, lined with restaurants, at the heart of rush hour and refuse to move, no matter what.
You want a nice way to raise your blood pressure? Stand in said parking spot for over TEN MINUTES while a variety of people try to back into the space while you yell out, “you wanna park here? Fine, but you’re going to have to run me over first!”
You want to know how many people in Los Angeles care when you tell them you’re holding the spot because you’re trying to help out a friend with two small children? ZERO.
You want to know how many people in Los Angeles care when you switch your reason to “a friend with two small children and advanced Multiple Sclerosis?” because you are now becoming afraid that the whole “then you’re going to have to run me over” line is becoming less of a threat and more of an impending reality? ZERO
This really happened to me the other day.
First there was the gal in the Jeep Cherokee. She didn’t put up much of a fight, I’ll grant you, but did take a moment to call me a stupid c&$*t before driving away, all without ever getting off her cell phone.
Then there was the man, who pulled up and then just sat at the wheel and glared at me for what felt like forever. I can’t tell you exactly what kind of car he was in, but I do remember feeling this rush of joy because I finally came face to face with someone who actually drives a bigger piece of crap than I do.
After that came the old lady in her Jaguar with the handicap sign hanging from her rearview mirror. I honestly told myself that if she started to back in, the spot was hers. This is exactly the type that you read about in the paper, you know the ones who drive through a storefront, killing everyone inside because they could have sworn they’d put the car in reverse.
The best (worst)of them all was the Prius. The car was filled with girls in their twenties. At first the driver slowly backed in and didn’t stop until her bumper was a mere couple of feet from me. I only know this because, although I had my back to them and refused to turn around, Phoebe, who was standing on the sidewalk at the time yelled out, “Mommy, they’re coming!” I’m guessing, after realizing that my kid was right there, they actually grew a conscience which is why they finally drove away but of course not before tossing a dollar out the window and yelling, “Get a f#&*g babysitter”.
“We are the World, We are the Children, We are the ones who make a brighter day so let’s start giving…..” Yeah, right……
Ten years ago, when Chris and I told our friends in Los Angeles that we were packing up and moving to Austin, Texas, everyone thought we were crazy. “But you don’t know anyone there,†they said. “You’ll miss the ocean,†they said. “Man, are you going to look terrible with big hair or what?†they said. But mostly, what they said, was, “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? Because moving to Texas is like moving to a whole different country.â€
And on that point, they were right.
Holy crap. Just where the hell am I?
{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Those were FANTASTIC! And now I’m heading over….
You want to know how many local cyclists get off their bike and walk over the FOOTbridge? ZERO!
You want to know how many local cyclists use lights when it is dark? ZERO!
You want to know whether the cyclist that barged past me last night with no lights apologised when I yelled “WHERE ARE YOU LIGHTS MATE?” ZERO! Well, actually, the answer to that one is NO!
Thanks, Hilarious Blog Divas. My tears are welled up from that last moment. What Mom hasn’t had one of those “Is this REALLY me?” moments.
Those were GREAT. 🙂 Thanks for doing a swap today, gives me new blogs to go read. Happy Friday, you three.
Very well done guest posters! I laughed. I cried. Truly.
Wendi!! You romanticized me….Austin is my home town and living there is unlike any worldly experience. It is a mecca.
You have incredible taste in bloggers: they’re both such wonderful reads.
As are you.
Looking forward to reading more!
Ah, crap. Now you’ve introduced me to two new blogs I want to read… And I barely (well… don’t) have the time to read the ones I already know! Are you trying to kill me or something? Sheesh!
Austin rocks. Voluntarily moving to Dallas, that’s insane.
Oh, well, hellooooo Mr. President.
I love reading that other places are as crazy as a tiny Vermont town…except in said town, half are your cousins…thanks for the cross-promotion!
marinka got bernthis?! of course she did.
jessica, i have NEVER had the balls to save a parking spot in san diego, much less LA. did your friend buy you an icecream? a nice bag? i can’t believe those B!tches threw a dollar at you.
wendy…. barbecue is all i heard.
Damn it. MORE fantastic blogs to read. Thanks a bunch- who is going to care for my children now?!
Three of my favorite bloggers in one place. Pinch ME.
Marinka, not only is the back of your head beautiful, you are also very funny. So I am not surprised that you managed to attract such talent.
I only discovered Jessica yesterday but I think, Jessica, I know you well enough to point out your mistake – you should have been wearing dark glasses and a headset and making out you were holding the spot for a celebrity. I feel qualified to say this because yesterday I saw 4/5 of Britney For the Record on YouTube (never did figure out where the last 1/5 went, but I wish her luck).
Wendi, I have been in your place – minus the cowboy. And I don’t even get to live in Austin. But Texas is catching, and I’m not sure I could ever go back. Mostly because I no longer have the wardrobe.
Those were really great. I feel like I should apologize to the LA blogger, because I am pretty sure my in-laws were the prius driver and her friends. Oops.
And to the Austin stay home mom. Change set design to Indianapolis and the BBQ joint to a random fast food place and you are me. Or I am you.
I already know Jessica and Wendi, and their humor. Now, I get to meet Marinka! You are freakin’ high-larious! What a nice start to the weekend.
This ‘triple dose’ was a great idea ladies.
Wendy! I’ve been in that Rudy’s! I can *so* picture you there. Thanks for the hilarious and touching literary snapshot.
The Atlanta Housewives didn’t mention the NY Housewives…they were WAY too busy yelling about fake cancer, wigs, and screaming ” I will whoop that ass!” BUt, on the brighter side, I just totally gave you an award on my page 🙂
Do you think Jessica’s beauty has something to do with her living in LA? It’s my understanding that you have to be extremely good looking if you want to live there. I just discovered her recently (maybe through you?) and have been enjoying her blog.
I read Wendi’s and yours over there.
What a great idea!
Awesome.
(And I love Rudy’s, too!)
Hey we got the same award from Temple, and since Amy and I have decided a while back we’re karmically linked via blogs and awards, you and I must be too. I told you I love you. Now it’s official. If this is getting creepy, tell me, and I can step it up a notch….
Amen. Texas is where I grew up. That’s some good people down there.
And LA sounds just like Warsaw. Which makes me think that I’m linked there too.
Well my dear shy Marinka, I hope you will like the award I have for you at my blog!
Please pick it up anytime. You can do it!
Disclaimer: Sorry. Not available in Chocolate in the Tri-State area.
Dear God. I know what you mean.
I almost ran over someone just the other day. Because I live a few miles from L.A. I am more civilized,but only slightly.
Those stories are awesome!! As a past Austinite, I can attest to how random acts of kindness proliferate in that city. It never ceased to amaze me how nice people could be there. I moved away ten years ago and still miss it!
Can’t wait to read your post, Marinka!
Very funny gals. 🙂