Pop Quiz Friday!

by Marinka on January 14, 2011

Guess what? Today I tricked Ann from Ann’s Rants into guest posting for me.   You probably know Ann already, she of the hilarious blog and the National Director of Listen to Your Mother, but humor me, will you?  I met Ann at BlogHer in Chicago in 2009 (doesn’t that seem prehistoric?) and we quickly figured out that I went to college with her cousin.  Small world!  Ann is one of those super-talented people who is also so lovely and generous, even though she totally doesn’t have to be.  Her tweets are among the best out there.  This week she cracked me up with these:

Children, for tonight’s dinner you may choose from a wide variety of teas!

Darker side of Bangs:Caught my reflection in the bathtub faucet and a 14 year old Amish boy looked back at me.

I just wrote O’Bama. O’Helpme.

Enjoy the post and don’t forget to go visit Ann‘s blog.  You’ll thank me.

PET QUIZ!

Remember those fun quizzes in Sassy magazine where you could answer some simple questions to find out if HE LIKES YOU, if YOUR POSTURE SAYS LOSER, or if YOU NEED A PERSONALITY MAKEOVER?

I created this quiz because the other day I realized I like The Fur Bastard again. My kids are 4 and almost 7 and as of thirteen days ago The Fur Bastard looks sort of cute again, meaning I no longer scream “COCHSUCKA” when he looks in my direction.

This Quiz predicts your phase of life by the way you treat your own fuzzy Fur Bastard. Not your husband—that’s the quiz on page 5—but your pet. (don’t scroll down, there is no page 5).

1. Do you photograph your pet? Do you share those photos? When people are done smiling and nodding, do you say “Oh, but wait until you see Pudgy’s youtube channel!”

You are 23 years old with no children or Jennifer.

2. When your pet vomits do you run to comfort it? Do you prepare a mini compress and administer pet pedialyte popsicles?

You are 23 years old with no children or 76 years old.

3. When your pet breathes loud do you shout SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR I AM SENDING YOU ON OUTWARD BOUND BACKYARD ARCTIC EDITION.

You are 31 years old with a 4 month old baby.

4. What kind of food do you feed your pet? Does it cost more than your own meals? Do you feed your cat 3 meals and two snacks? Do you make your own pet food?

You are 23 with no children or 76, loaded and chemically unbalanced.

5. How much water is enough? Does the water bowl require a dental drill to remove the half inch of scaly buildup? Do you feed daily or “only upon request?” When your pet cries in hunger do you lecture it on how your work is never done and scream WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?

Me either.

6. When your pet jumps up on the table do you:

Clap twice (23 years old)

Spray water at them (76 years old)

“Help them” feline-cannonball-pyrotechnics style (36 years old and sleep deprived for 6 years)

7. What happens when your pet soils your house?

You tap him on the nose and say “no star on your potty chart today, Dr. Ruth!”

23 years old (nope, 76. The 23 yo doesn’t know who Dr. Ruth is)

You don’t flinch because you have to wear this windex-holster anyway

You are 33 with two boys under 3

You throw item (sofa) in the garbage can and list pet on freecycle

You are 29 with an eight week old colicky baby

8. When you look at your pet’s face do you think

Awwww (23, 76)

or

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU JUDGMENTAL PARKA-COLLAR TO BE? (any age with small people-apendages)

Scoring

If you are 23 good for you

If you are 76 I wish you many more years of happiness and perhaps you’re interested in fostering?

If you are in the “30something with children catagory” don’t feel bad because you weren’t properly screened.

So it wasn’t really a quiz. But. If you are thirtyish with babies all up in your business, hang in there. Both your pet and your husband will become cute again. It’s very likely. Probably. I think.

One year ago ...

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January 14, 2011 at 10:20 am

{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

Loukia January 14, 2011 at 12:36 am

I failed. I mean, I have no pets. What does this say about me?

Reply

kalisah
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 12:43 am

It wasn’t really a quiz because you had no “40-something and about to be an emptynester so is treating her dog like a replacement child” category.

Reply

alexandra
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 1:25 am

Oh, I’m worse than I thought.

No, wait.. I’ve always been as worse as I thought.

I’m all over the place, shocker, I know.

As always, hilarious. Don’t you get tired of hearing that???

Reply

seekingelevation
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 6:33 am

This is hilarious. I just had this conversation a few hours ago with my childless friend who has a dog. I’m all, “I know it’s hard, but at least you don’t have to teach the thing values and manners, you know?” And she’s like, “But I do!” And I’m like, “Lemme get you another martini.”

Reply

Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) January 14, 2011 at 8:07 am

I’m sitting here with my dog perusing this posting. He’s cost me thousands of dollars and ruined a carpet. To my right is my 18 month old cat who just had her second surgery at Christmas because she’s a moron who eats string. And yet, I still like them better than my kids…and my husband. Age? Immature!

Reply

Cheryl
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:26 am

This is an ageist quiz and I refuse to participate.

Reply

Ann's Rants
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:32 am

Happy Friday every one! I am anti-pet, maritally-challenged, and ageist!

Great weekend xoxo!

Reply

hokgardner
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:33 am

And yet another reason we will not be getting any pets. I’m going to wait until I’m 76 and can be a crazy cat lady.

Reply

By Word of Mouth
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:38 am

As I sit here in my menagerie that was spawned by the wishes of my children … I laugh at this post, rocking back and forth, maniacally …

Reply

Wendi
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:45 am

Oh, my God, this is my life. I am showing this post to 18 year old Dickens the Cat who I just remembered we have 3 days ago.

Reply

From Belgium January 14, 2011 at 10:13 am

I’m having trouble keeping my pet and eldest daughter apart : they both want to sleep in my bed, they both want me to feed them, they both like milk and they are both obsessed by a balloons.

Reply

Nona
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 10:16 am

I am 47, so in between 23 and 76.
I have an adult-child (legally she’s an adult, emotionally she’s a surly tween.)
I have three dogs and a cat. I get paid to write a blog about them.

I am now oddly depressed.

Reply

Scary Mommy
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 11:05 am

Both my pet and my husband will become cute again? I’m holding you to it.

Reply

Andrea
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 11:19 am

As a crazy cat lady long before kids (and thanks to the husband), a dog person, and the mama of a 3yo person-child, I don’t know quite where I fall here. My pets are great again – my husband – well, he can keep waiting. 😉

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 1:51 pm

you are hilarious as always. it’s too late for me. We found our dog a home in CT 2 years ago. I couldn’t take it anymore.

Reply

Adventures In Babywearing January 14, 2011 at 3:32 pm

Hilarious. I love Ann. And a while back I had to make the choice- kids or pets. Thank goodness no longer have pets.

Steph

Reply

Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Oh my god, hilarious. Particularly as I stare at my husband’s dog who is encased in a snow bank. Not because she loves snow; I left her out there in a blizzard. I am so firmly #3.

Reply

tracy
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 4:23 pm

Oh this is all so true. Thinking I won’t have interest in my husband again until I’m my 50’s though.

Reply

CSY January 14, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Well, the interest in my husband came back BEFORE my interest in getting another mouth to feed…I have no pets – just children.

Reply

Leigh Ann
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Seriously. My poor dog. So neglected. So fat now that the exercise has severely decreased while the amount of food he gets to eat off the floor has drastically increased. He has slid quite a few notches on the totem pole.

Don’t even ask me about the cats. I think they are buried somewhere underneath the pole. My husband started crying when I told him that our 11 year old cat will likely live another 8 years.

Reply

Tasha
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:06 pm

This is funny cause about 30 seconds before I read this I was yelling at the dog, “STOP STARING AT ME! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!” And my husband thought I was talking to him. They both gave me sad eyes. I then rolled mine. The end.

Reply

Kristine
Twitter:
January 14, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I love Ann so much. This was hilarious (natch).

Reply

joanna jenkins January 15, 2011 at 12:07 am

Ha! “The 23 yo doesn’t know who Dr. Ruth is”

I’m an Ann Groupie– Great guest choice and get post as always.

Happy weekend, jj

Reply

Trish@Show and Tell
Twitter:
January 15, 2011 at 3:35 am

Can you do the same quiz, only more comprehensive please????

Forty-something, started my family late in life, refuse to get my child a “real” pet with any kind of fur, instead have 4 goldfish (that I have spent $2,000 in medicine trying to prevent that horrible sad look on my child’s face to keep them alive). Husband still not looking remotely cute.

Reply

Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
January 15, 2011 at 8:53 am

I can’t really speak to this since I don’t have pets (very allergic mother AND I’m a genius). But my aunt has always had cats – so at age 50something she’s been through a couple of the age ranges. From what I remember though it was the children that she didn’t find cute for while. It improved once they moved out. Jury’s still out on the husband.

Reply

anna see January 15, 2011 at 4:01 pm

LOVED THIS! Still waiting to care about the dog and husband.

Reply

dusty earth mother January 15, 2011 at 4:38 pm

I am 47 and have bipolar pug disorder. I scream like Sybil when they poop on the stairs and I step in it in my bare feet. Then two minutes later I’m kissing them on the mouths and inhaling their particular puggy scent. Help me, Ann. You’re the only one who can.

By the way, I am Ann’s number #1 groupie. All the rest of y’all, back off, suckas.

Reply

The Flying Chalupa
Twitter:
January 16, 2011 at 5:50 pm

Stellar, as usual Ann.

Also, my father is 70 and has a water gun that he sprays at the dog.

And for the record. I own a toddler that I walk several times a day, feed occasionally, yell at occasionally, and have considered buying a leash for him. Pet enough for me.

Reply

Kelley
Twitter:
January 16, 2011 at 7:02 pm

This was so funny! I don’t have a pet…yet. I am waiting until my youngest stops using a pacifier and is out of diapers. He is 16. No, just kidding. He’s 2 1/2…+ 18 years = 20 years old. No, just kidding. He’s really 2 1/2. Really. When we finally get a dog, I will have to come back to this post to see how I am as a pet owner. Thanks in advance for the help!

Reply

Nina Badzin
Twitter:
January 16, 2011 at 7:42 pm

Hilarious, Ann! Loved the bangs Tweet too. But back to the pets–one of the reasons I knew my husband was “the one” was because we saw eye to eye on NEVER having a pet! We’re both completely made of stone.

Reply

Tonya
Twitter:
January 18, 2011 at 10:10 am

Not 23 and not 76. I am firmly in the ‘Pet is going on Craigslist along with husband and child’ category.

Reply

Kimberly January 18, 2011 at 1:59 pm

I took your quiz with my 9 year old neurotic beast sitting next to me…it seemed like the perfect way to end my pet-need filled morning. He’s getting old, so he has to pee IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN NIGHT…and again at 5:30 a.m. on the dot…After his carefully prepared breakfast of allergen-free dog food with thyroid meds hidden in the kibble, he received his monthly allergy shot (administered by me), and his weekly dental hygiene chew.

Why why why do I spend so much energy and time on this beast whose vet bills far outweigh the money spent on people doctors for all three of us? I don’t know. He’s loyal. He’d kill anyone who tried to hurt me (I think, although it hasn’t been tested). And he’s always here, ready to listen to me rant and rave or cry and complain.

Can’t say that about my kids.

Reply

erin margolin
Twitter:
February 2, 2011 at 5:41 pm

Okay, vomiting is one of my biggest fears. So is it really that bad that I hover over my dog when he’s about to barf? I just feel scared for him. And I’m sort of a baby when I have the stomach flu and feel better when someone hovers over me.
😉

Reply

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