Guess what? Today I tricked Ann from Ann’s Rants into guest posting for me. You probably know Ann already, she of the hilarious blog and the National Director of Listen to Your Mother, but humor me, will you? I met Ann at BlogHer in Chicago in 2009 (doesn’t that seem prehistoric?) and we quickly figured out that I went to college with her cousin. Small world! Ann is one of those super-talented people who is also so lovely and generous, even though she totally doesn’t have to be. Her tweets are among the best out there. This week she cracked me up with these:
Children, for tonight’s dinner you may choose from a wide variety of teas!
Darker side of Bangs:Caught my reflection in the bathtub faucet and a 14 year old Amish boy looked back at me.
I just wrote O’Bama. O’Helpme.
Enjoy the post and don’t forget to go visit Ann‘s blog. You’ll thank me.
Remember those fun quizzes in Sassy magazine where you could answer some simple questions to find out if HE LIKES YOU, if YOUR POSTURE SAYS LOSER, or if YOU NEED A PERSONALITY MAKEOVER?
I created this quiz because the other day I realized I like The Fur Bastard again. My kids are 4 and almost 7 and as of thirteen days ago The Fur Bastard looks sort of cute again, meaning I no longer scream “COCHSUCKA” when he looks in my direction.
This Quiz predicts your phase of life by the way you treat your own fuzzy Fur Bastard. Not your husband—that’s the quiz on page 5—but your pet. (don’t scroll down, there is no page 5).
1. Do you photograph your pet? Do you share those photos? When people are done smiling and nodding, do you say “Oh, but wait until you see Pudgy’s youtube channel!”
You are 23 years old with no children or Jennifer.
2. When your pet vomits do you run to comfort it? Do you prepare a mini compress and administer pet pedialyte popsicles?
You are 23 years old with no children or 76 years old.
3. When your pet breathes loud do you shout SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR I AM SENDING YOU ON OUTWARD BOUND BACKYARD ARCTIC EDITION.
You are 31 years old with a 4 month old baby.
4. What kind of food do you feed your pet? Does it cost more than your own meals? Do you feed your cat 3 meals and two snacks? Do you make your own pet food?
You are 23 with no children or 76, loaded and chemically unbalanced.
5. How much water is enough? Does the water bowl require a dental drill to remove the half inch of scaly buildup? Do you feed daily or “only upon request?” When your pet cries in hunger do you lecture it on how your work is never done and scream WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY?
6. When your pet jumps up on the table do you:
Clap twice (23 years old)
Spray water at them (76 years old)
“Help them” feline-cannonball-pyrotechnics style (36 years old and sleep deprived for 6 years)
7. What happens when your pet soils your house?
You tap him on the nose and say “no star on your potty chart today, Dr. Ruth!”
23 years old (nope, 76. The 23 yo doesn’t know who Dr. Ruth is)
You don’t flinch because you have to wear this windex-holster anyway
You are 33 with two boys under 3
You throw item (sofa) in the garbage can and list pet on freecycle
You are 29 with an eight week old colicky baby
8. When you look at your pet’s face do you think
Awwww (23, 76)
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT YOU JUDGMENTAL PARKA-COLLAR TO BE? (any age with small people-apendages)
If you are 23 good for you
If you are 76 I wish you many more years of happiness and perhaps you’re interested in fostering?
If you are in the “30something with children catagory” don’t feel bad because you weren’t properly screened.
So it wasn’t really a quiz. But. If you are thirtyish with babies all up in your business, hang in there. Both your pet and your husband will become cute again. It’s very likely. Probably. I think.
One year ago ...
- Mammograminka - 2009