Positive Pregnancy Tests for Sale

by Marinka on May 8, 2014

This morning I read an article (if that’s the term we’re using for news stories these days) about how there are positive pregnancy tests for sale online.

Please sit with that for a while. Some people will buy other people’s positive pregnancy tests. Not because they have some sort of weird fetish, which maybe I could understand (I mean I know there are people who will have sex with Republicans, so who’s to say where happiness lies for some), but because they want to trick their partner, with the fake pregnancy test, into thinking that they’re pregnant.

Now, as you probably know, I’m newly single, so perhaps I’m not the go-to person for relationship advice, but this is seriously fucked up shit. Personally, if I decided to lie to a man and tell him that I’m pregnant, I’d be really insulted if he demanded to see the pee stick. Where is the trust in that relationship? And why would I want to trap someone so suspicious?! It just doesn’t make sense.

Here are some gems from the article:

One Craigslist ad posted last year by a Central New Jersey woman read: “I am pregnant and will sell you a positive pregnancy test. These will be taken right before you’re ready to pick them up. Wanna get your boyfriend to finally pop the question? Play a trick on mom, dad or one of your friends? I really don’t care what you use it for.”

Ok, so I appreciate the freshness guarantee and the obvious hard moral line this woman draws. Giving mom or dad a heart attack is not without its charm and a gunshot wedding is very 1900s. But I’m not a professional, so let’s hear from one of those, shall we?

Ethics and morality aside, relationship expert Dr. Jane Greer said having to use a phony test to get your partner to commit is clearly a bad sign for the future.

“If you’re buying one of these, it really is a statement that you’re not on solid ground with the person you are in a relationship,” Greer said.

I have to say I agree. Because if you buy one of these tests and your idiot boyfriend marries you, ultrasound unseen, then at some point, I’m guessing some 8 months in (I’m not a scientist), you’re going to have an problem. Besides being a liar who married an idiot, I mean.

Where are you going to get a baby, genius? I have decades of General Hospital under my belt, and I can tell you- you’re going to have to do some miscarriage faking or baby snatching to pull that shit off. And who has time for that, what with all the TV to watch?

Unless the test sellers are also willing to sell their babies. Or at least rent them, in a time-share like fashion.

The internet is a wonderful thing.

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