Post Surgery Update

by Marinka on June 1, 2011

Hi! I’m back!

I survived the cancer surgery!

If you’re wondering how long I’m going to milk this, the answer is a long time, baby. A long, long time.

And now I’m going to update you on my surgery in chronological bullet format.

All times are approximate.

7 am: I wake up! Yay that I didn’t die in my sleep!

7:15 (still am!) I alert Husbandrinka that my skin cancer is acting up and he should get the kids breakfast. He says something in Italian that involves The Madonna.

7:45: I say good bye to the kids. They don’t leave for school for another 20 minutes, but I don’t want to miss the segment on Good Morning America about pageant dads.

8:15: I ask Husbandrinka how nervous he is about my surgery. He replies “not very, but how huge will the bandage be?” Because when you marry a trophy wife, you care about things like that.

9:15 I arrive at dermatologist’s office. I am asked to fill out form.

9:20 Fill out form, feeling confident about my name, address, date of birth and allergies. Pause at “how many alcoholic drinks do you have a day?” Write in “2” because unsure of how many zeroes there are in “a million”. After all, I’m here for cancer surgery and not the Math Olympics.

9:23 Pause also at “list your hobbies” section of the form. For inexplicable reasons put down “reading and jogging”. Cross out “jogging” and write in “TV”. Wonder for the rest of the appointment why this information is important and whether I can write in “jogging” again. Do not for a second consider writing “blogging”.

9:45 Meet doctor. Doctor explains procedure. Doctor will take the cancer off, send it to the lab, while I wait and then if it’s all clear, I get stitched up. If there’s more cancer, he’ll take more off. Make some jokes about this being a good opportunity to reduce nose size. Doctor laughs as though he’d never heard this joke before and has been freebasing laughing gas.

10 am. Procedure starts. I feel nothing. I mean, pain-wise. Emotionally, I am still alive.

10:15 I get sent into the waiting room. I wait. Wendi texts to see how it’s going. I try to be brave and make light of the obviously very grave situation and say that the doctor is younger than I am.

10:16 Wendi texts back “who isn’t?”

10:16:05 Wendi is placed on friendship death row, which is a lot more serious than friendship probation. A lot.

10:46 The doctor tells me that there is still more cancer (probably caused by Wendi’s cruelty) that needs to be taken off. I go back for further surgery.

11:02 I’m back in the waiting room. Papa calls. I tell him that the doctor had more cancer to remove and Papa says, “let him do his job, he knows what he’s doing.”

11:03 Wonder whether Papa thinks that I’m arguing with the doctor over the surgery. Place Papa on parental death row, a few cells away from Wendi.

11:35 All the cancer is out! The doctor prepares to stitch me up. I prepare to faint.

11:36 I reconsider fainting when I realize that I can’t actually feel anything.

12:00 As he’s sewing me up, the doctor tells me that I have a lot of sun damage. I’ve been out of the dating market for a while now, but I assume that this is how dermatologists flirt.

12:15 I ask the nurse how many stitches. She tells me she’ll count once it’s over.

12:16 Since I assumed that the answer would be “1” or “2”, I consider fainting at the thought that she’d have to count the number of stitches. On the other hand, maybe she’s not a mathematical Olympian, either.

12:35 Nurse says that I have 14 stitches. Nurse bandages my nose.

12:36 Nurse explains after-care instructions. No alcohol for 2 days.

1:00 On the subway. People openly stare at the huge bandages on my nose.

1:02 I pretend that I just had a very exclusive nose job. For a deviated septum.

1:03 I become alarmed that I was mixed up septum and cervix again, but no, septum.

The rest of the afternoon: I am in recovery. Heroically. Wend is still on friendship death row. Tragically.

Thank you, everyone, for your good wishes and lovely/funny comments. I know that my surgery was relatively minor, but it was still scary for me. And for everyone who has to look at me. (And a special thank you to Ilana, who, via, Twitter, recommended her dermatologist.)

One year ago ...

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{ 64 comments… read them below or add one }

Lady Jennie June 1, 2011 at 2:45 pm

I have been so out of the loop and then saw your tweet and had to pop over. Must say I’m glad you’re in good hands (it was a plastic surgeon and not a dermatologist, right? Important distinction as only the P.S. should do that).

Kisses. Heal well. Don’t place me on blogger death row for having been solicitous.

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Cameron
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 2:46 pm

Septum vs Cervix made me laugh out loud. Literally, not just LOL. 🙂

Glad you’re on the mend. 🙂

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magpie June 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

God, a deviated cervix sounds AWFUL.

Good healing to you. Drinks. Soon.

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christy June 1, 2011 at 2:56 pm

So, so glad you’re okay and it went well. Now milk that recovery for all it’s worth. (PS – you rode the subway?! What a trooper! I would have thought it called for a cab for sure!!)

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DCZia June 1, 2011 at 2:58 pm

That was the funniest damn post-surgery recap I have ever heard. My Jewish relatives could learn a lot from you. Now, rest up & heal!

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anna see June 1, 2011 at 2:59 pm

So glad it went well. Take it easy and make your family serve you.

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Meghan June 1, 2011 at 2:59 pm

You are so, so brave.

I have no idea how you are going to survive going two days without alcohol.

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PsychMamma June 1, 2011 at 3:10 pm

So glad you survived! Also, I’m pretty sure the “Milking It” rule says one day for every stitch! Lucky you!
xo

P.S. Is Papa still on death row, or was he exonerated?

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Kati
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:20 pm

My friend Marinka, courageous cancer survivor!!

Ummm, just occurred to me that I have no idea what color awareness ribbon I’m supposed to be wearing now. Please advice.

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Kati
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:21 pm

er…. *advise.

I was so flustered with the joy of your survival that I forgot that I am a grammar/spelling genius for a minute.

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Wendi
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Can I please get off friendship death row? I’ll send you a picture of me drinking wine to make you feel better…

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Tonya
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Glad everything went well!
Are you having Wendi and Papa cremated? Will they be sharing an urn?

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Erin@MommyontheSpot June 1, 2011 at 3:23 pm

Glad everything went well!

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Jill
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:27 pm

All joking aside, “whew” that it’s over! AND that the derm got it all out!

But 2 days w/ no alcohol seems overkill, don’t you think? I’d need it to numb the pain and de-stress me from the idea of stitches … 🙂

Glad all went well!

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hokgardner
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:28 pm

Just reading about all this made my knees go wobbly, and I was sitting down.

And please take Wendi off death row. Who else will I eat queso with?

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Twinisms June 1, 2011 at 3:30 pm

Brave. 2 days without alcohol? Yes, you are very brave.

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Vicki
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Nasal tov!

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MommaKiss June 1, 2011 at 3:32 pm

No drinking for 2 days? That’s kinda the scariest part to me.

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Lisa Rae @ smacksy June 1, 2011 at 3:36 pm

So grateful for your survival.
Is that Phantom mask really necessary?

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Kathryn
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:36 pm

You need to make-up a really good story for your scar. I mean 14 stitches is bar fight with a broken stoli bottle (the big bottle, not the little baby bottle) against a room full of carnival people type of story. Or, you can just say Wendi did it after she mixed meds and liquor and now she is on friend death row – two birds, one story. Feel better!

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Krissy
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 3:52 pm

I agree with magpie that a deviated cervix does sound awful! Almost made me spew my water when I read it.

So glad you are okay, and you are welcome to milk this for everything it’s worth! I didn’t know New Yorkers got skin cancer. When do you see the sun? Just sayin’… I mean, all those tall buildings and stuff. Can you tell I’m from Hickville?

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anymommy June 1, 2011 at 3:56 pm

You’re funny when you’re on death’s door. I wish you a very, very relaxing recovery with pampering and reality TV and (in two days) wine.

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julia June 1, 2011 at 4:16 pm

Glad that it is over, get well soon. Julie

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Suzy
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I had a hard time following this story because I couldn’t find the name you’re having carved onto your tombstone.

Sloppy writing.

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Penbleth
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 4:18 pm

I’m glad you have survived this most difficult surgery. I can only hope Wendi and Papa excel themselves in the friendship and fathering stakes and make it out of friendship death row. That doesn’t sound like fun.

Now I’m thinking about deviated cervixes, cervii, whatever, and thinking that could be something worth getting my knickers in a knot about.

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Marta
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm

I never thought I’d laugh so much on a blog post about cancer.

Hope you’re doing good. 🙂

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Megan June 1, 2011 at 4:21 pm

Glad all went well.

Be thankful that you don’t have family members that have been thisclose to death on several occasions because they don’t give you any sympathy for a mere skin cancer. Bastards.

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Alice June 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm

You are so brave. So, so brave. I promise to still talk to you, even though you now have no nose.

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Tiffany
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:51 pm

Lol!

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Your Escalator Operator
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:07 pm

I am glad you’re OK. And that this was an opportunity to find out Husbandrinka knows Italian. Win-win.

Feel better!

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ChiTown Girl June 1, 2011 at 5:27 pm

I’m glad everything went well, and that this was caught as early as it was. Here’s to your speedy recovery! (I know you can’t see it, but I’m lifting my margarita for you. Oh, sorry, I mean Diet Coke….)

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Deb Rox
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:44 pm

It’s nice to know that Wendi is free. Maybe she’ll take me in as her rebound BFF.

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b a seagull
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:52 pm

I should have checked your blog before sending an email. Writing you twice in two minutes is creepy.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Wha’?? Wendi’s YOUNGER than you? Well, I guess she can comfort herself with the thought that it’s better to be young than to look or feel it.

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Tiffany
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:52 pm

Glad it all went well. I had a chunk cut out of my leg last year, I feel your pain and fear.

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Juli
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:53 pm

I wouldn’t be able to date a dermatologist. Glad you are OK.

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Alexandra
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:56 pm

Now THAT’S blogging about cancer.

A sense of humor is so important, not to get all serious on you, but getting all serious on you.

You made me laugh at 9:45, pee my pants at 10:00, give myself a coffee nasal enema at 11:03, and slap my knee and guffaw out loud like an old man at 12:00.

You are darling.

Glad you got in, and did it right.

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Kristine
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 5:58 pm

So glad you’re okay. I hope you plan to tweet later after taking double the recommended dose of pain medication.
xo

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Melissa @ married my sugar daddy
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 6:05 pm

GIRL u know how to find the freakin silver lining in any situation- I REALLY could have used you during shiva I think the parade of rabbis would have gotten a real kick out of you- and BTW am SO impressed that you didn’t just go under the knife and have a proper rhinoplasty ( like all good jewish girls do-except 4 me of course) so glad you’re ok- the world ( and I) need your humor for a VERY LONG TIME.

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BrassyDel
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Love it!

The recap, not cancer.

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Smedette June 1, 2011 at 6:33 pm

Stay well, dear. xoxo

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Elise
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 7:01 pm

It is good to hear that all of your favorite people get put on probation/death row. I was wondering if I was the only one. At least I have good company in Wendi & Papa if I get pushed down to the death row list from probation.

But seriously, how hot was that doctor and did you think for one moment maybe he was hopped up on laughing gas and if so why did you let him cut skin off of your nose? Were you high on laughing gas too???

Oooo, can I buy you that book called CANCER SCHMANCER since you kicked cancer’s butt?

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Abbey June 1, 2011 at 7:24 pm

All doctors like to say no drinking no matter what you are in for. I don’t believe it for a minute. I mean it’s not like you drinking will make the cancer grow back or the stitches fall out. I think in honor of following the medical advice to have the surgery you should balance it out with ignoring a piece of medical advice. Namely, no drinking.

And, I’m glad you survived.

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tracy
Twitter:
June 1, 2011 at 8:41 pm

So glad everything is okay.
xoxo

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KG June 1, 2011 at 9:27 pm

So glad to hear the surgery went well! I think we should meet for drinks to celebrate, don’t you?

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Jen June 1, 2011 at 11:28 pm

but that whole no drinking for two days thing is just a suggestion right?

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Karen at French Skinny June 2, 2011 at 12:14 am

If I were there (on the other coast) I would bring you a giant herb garden, make you mint tea and an incredible dinner (including dessert)
You are very brave. Please take it easy and enjoy the creme brulee.

xoxoxo
Karen

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Jonathan June 2, 2011 at 12:51 am

Glad you let the doctor do his job and congrats on being cancer free!

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bleu June 2, 2011 at 1:41 am

Glad you are well! Great news. Take Care.

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Alison@Mama Wants This
Twitter:
June 2, 2011 at 4:34 am

Yay, glad you’re okay. Is it time yet for the alcohol ban to be lifted?

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Becky Rice
Twitter:
June 2, 2011 at 7:21 am

I’m very pleased to hear the surgery went well. And how kind of you to give the people on the subway something to talk about – I bet they thought you were Lady Gaga trying out a new look.

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
June 2, 2011 at 7:37 am

Did you a least get good drugs if you can’t drink? I’m glad it went well. Feel better soon.

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dusty earth mother June 2, 2011 at 7:45 am

Trophy wife. Hee hee. SO GLAD YOU’RE FINE! WE LOVE YOU! (Not sure why I’m using capitals, but cancer seems to call for excess.)

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annie June 2, 2011 at 10:23 am

well now YOU are on friendship death row for writing about cancer better than I do! damn you Marinka!

Glad you’re doing well – I adore you!

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Danielle June 2, 2011 at 10:28 am

Get well soon! Good to see you’re still hilarious after all this 🙂

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A Mommy in the City
Twitter:
June 2, 2011 at 1:41 pm

So glad surgery went well! Surgery, big or small, is scary! Glad you made it out okay. I say milk this for all its worth!!

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Ben June 2, 2011 at 3:05 pm

So glad it went well. You made me spit ice cream on my phone as I was reading this. It takes a special person to make any kind of cancer so funny.

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Terri P. June 2, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Wow, the replies to your post are almost as funny as the post itself …

*almost*

My guess is that blogging has become second nature and you don’t consider it a hobby any longer. Which is good because now that you won’t be venturing anywhere near the sun, you can blog a lot more. Win-win (for us, anyway!)

Hope you’re feeling better soon.

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Stasha
Twitter:
June 3, 2011 at 2:13 am

Good to hear all went well. Here is to a smooth recovery and NO scars.

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
June 3, 2011 at 7:06 am

Oh my, to laugh at your pain. “My skin cancer is acting up.” Damn, that’s handy.

You’re looking good, dear. Good thing it’s behind you.

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Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
June 3, 2011 at 9:10 am

“Procedure starts. I feel nothing. I mean, pain-wise. Emotionally, I am still alive.”

Great stuff. Cancer may have taken part of your nose but it hasn’t taken your funny! (heal quickly!)

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Dana
Twitter:
June 3, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Finally back to blog reading after a few days off. So happy to hear the “surgery” went well and you’re on the mend. And still full of the funny.

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Stimey
Twitter:
June 5, 2011 at 12:20 am

I’m so glad it’s over and I’m sorry you had to go through it. 🙁

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Mwa (Lost in Translation) June 6, 2011 at 6:25 am

You must be so glad it’s all gone and done now. (I am too.) X

Reply

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