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Some People Don’t Love Themselves Enough

by Marinka on September 9, 2009

Best gay friend John called me on Tuesday night to let me know that he was having a stroke. Apparently, he had a very bad headache and he was sure that a stroke was imminent.

Like most normal people, he wanted to spend his last few moments on earth with me.

Unfortunately, his timing wasn’t a great time for me because Young Ladrinka was on step 15.9 of the 42 step night-time ritual, where he emerged from his room carrying a Star Wars light saber and wanted to hear my top five reasons why we couldn’t have a light saber fight right there and then and I had to go and yell and threaten, as needed.

Anyway. John and I talked for a few minutes, I provided some medical advice which included and was limited to his taking some Tylenol and then I told him that I needed to get off the phone. To get the kids to sleep.

“You still have those kids?” he asked.
“Shut up,” I said. “Can I call you later, or are you going to be stroking?”
“What?” Apparently his stroke had robbed him of his hearing.
“I want to call you later, if you’re not stroking.”
“That’s disgusting,” he said, actually sounding disgusted.
“What?”
“Don’t say things like that out loud. You think I’m sitting around masturbating, waiting for you to call?”
“Are you insane?” I asked rhetorically. “I was wondering if you were going to have a stroke. You know, stroking.”
“Oh. I thought you meant would I be busy sitting here stroking my penis, so I wouldn’t be able to talk.”

Ok, I’m not a sexologist, but who strokes his penis? Doesn’t that take approximately forever?

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I Get It

by Marinka on August 9, 2009

The other night, I went to have drinks with Kristin, her lovely blogless cousin, and Christy to a bar near my house. It’s the type of place that when you come in you immediately realize that you are interrupting the waitress with your unglamouressness and desire to sit with friends and have a drink and relax and enjoy yourself, because obviously, she, the waitress, is super talented and gorgeous and young and “what can I get you?” And then if you ask for a some water along with your drink, she won’t bring it, because she has two hands only and the extra trip is exhausting, so when you go up to the bar and ask for the water please, you are really parched, she’ll nod dismissively and then bring exactly one glass for you, so that they people sitting with you can get hydrated by association.

But I get it. Waitresses in NYC are different from you and me. They’re all talented, struggling artists, gorgeous, whatever. If you don’t like attitude, go to the Olive Garden. When you’re there, you’re family, which as an aside, always seemed more like an ominous warning than a enticing welcome.

I do, however, draw the line at Starbucks. I absolutely fucking refuse to get attitude from a Starbucks person. Which is really bad news for me, because that’s exactly what I’ve been getting.

First, I order my signature coffee, a half-caf (half decaf, half regular) and then I watch them make it. Often they give me all caffeinated, which is not what I want and which can have a very bad effect on everyone who will be IN MY WAY FOR THE NEXT TWO HOPURS. So, I say, “Half DECAF, please” and wordlessly, they fix the order. No “I’m sorry!” no “I apologize” no “I am not worthy to serve you coffee, thank you for gracing our Starbucks with your loveliness”. And then, when I thank them, I get either nothing (see rant immediately above) or a “you’re welcome“.

Second, I’m not a smiley person myself, but I think if you work at Starbucks, you should spend a few seconds every morning adjusting to your facial expression from “smell sour shit on upper lip” to “fit for human interaction.”

Third, when I get my coffee, they put it right by the register, so that I have to boardinghouse reach (expression courtesy of John) all the way across to retrieve it. I’m guessing that they do this because they want me to do some calisthenics every morning, but it’s fucking annoying.

By the way, there are wonderful Starbucks employees who have been helpful, efficient and polite. I love them. But they make for dull blog posts.

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Is That It?

June 24, 2009

Tweet My mother thinks that I do not spend a lot of time teaching my kids manners and she often gives me hints. Last week was my son’s 8th birthday and after the party, mama called me to lodge a formal complaint. “You know, I gave him a t-shirt and a Barnes & Noble gift […]

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Hypothetical

June 16, 2009

Tweet If your friend John calls you on your cell phone over the weekend, while you’re at your son’s baseball game and you don’t pick up because you are busy cheering or maybe gossiping with other moms, and then he calls again while you’re on your way home, and you don’t pick up because you […]

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