label/Nightly Nicki

So the other day I get a postcard from Nicki’s vet. Not one of those “having a great time, wish you were here” postcards, but more of a “Nicki is due for her FIV test, call to make an appointment with the vet tech”. So I look up FIV and learn that it’s the feline HIV test. I am positively gobsmacked, which is no small feat for an American.

And excuse me, but aren’t there all sorts of regulations about patient confidentiality that should prohibit doctors from sending sensitive health information on a postcard?! I mean, I know that the postman always rings twice and everything, but I’d just rather that he not know that my cat is possibly FIV positive. That’s super private and possibly a violation of her constitutional rights as a feline American. (Hey, that’s two paragraphs in a row that I ended with “American”. I am super patriotic.)

Other questions that immediately pop into my mind:

Do normal people even know that cats can get AIDS?

Who wants to be the one to tell Husbandrinka that our fucking cat may have
AIDS?

Forget it, I told him already. Like this: “Nicki may have AIDS!!!!”
And he looks at me with suspicious rage and I can tell that he thinks that I’m making this shit up, just because when we first got Nicki, I told him that she needed to have some of her stripes surgically rearranged to be The Best Tabby That She Could Be and also last week I told him that I was looking into getting her hysterectomy reversed. So just because I playfully fabricated some things in the past, why does he assume that I’d make this up about feline AIDS? I mean, what kind of a sick fuck does something like that?

“Cats can’t get AIDS,” he says in a slightly condescending manner that sort of implies that he’s been working closely with the CDC on this.
“Oh, but they can!” I am drunk with knowledge and pinot grigio. “They can and they do!”

Update: Nicki is getting tested this Thursday. I can only imagine that with their wanton disregard for Nicki’s privacy, the vet will post the FIV results on the billboard in Times Square. Otherwise, I will keep you posted on the results, but if you’d like to help Nicki during this uncertain time, please go here and vote for my friend Nap Warden, who’s a finalist in Momversation’s Favorite Mom Memory. You will have to register, but it takes like thirty seconds, unless you’re really bad at registering or something. Nicki and I really appreciate it. God Bless You. And God Bless America.

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