The List

by Marinka on December 9, 2011

The holidays are around the corner (don’t bump into them!) so obviously we’re all focused on gifts.

“I don’t think we should exchange gifts this year,” I tell Husbandrinka.

“Oh,” he says, pouting a bit. “I already made a list.”

So then I have to pretend that I’m interested in his list, but fortunately this takes less acting than anticipated because item number one is “slippers, no tassels.”

Now, I am very pro-slippers, but as far as I know no one in our family has ever had tassled slippers so I’m confused why he needs to specify.

“Because I don’t like tassels,” he explains, which, yes, thank you, I’d pieced that one together all by myself.

“Well, you also probably don’t like little bells or feathers or kitten heels on your slippers,” I tell him, “and yet you trusted me to know this.”

He says nothing because hello, point-set-and-whatever-that-thing-at-the-end-is. Match? Game? Whatever. This isn’t a sports blog.

But by now the damage has been done, my victory is hallow and I’m seething. My holiday spirit has been totally ruined. But then I think — why not make this into an opportunity?

So I decide to make my husband a home-made gift from the heart.

A list of things he does that I don’t like.

I figure that it can be a gift that gives year-round, because whenever he’s about to do something, he can consult the list and see if the thing he’s about to do annoys me and then not do it.

Surely this will eliminate a lot of anxiety for him and lead to happiness.

Here’s my list so far:

1. In making salad dressing, always uses red wine vinegar instead of balsamic even though I love balsamic vinegar.

2. In 1999, when I asked if he was “the looks or the brains” in our relationship, responded “this is sort of awkward, since I’m both.”

3. Our cat Nicki sleeps at the foot of our bed, but she only attacks my feet, never his. When I suggested that it was because his feet were too stupid for her to attack, he said “whatever” in a way that made me feel that he didn’t respect my opinion and value me as a human being and a life partner.

4. Makes fun of my TV viewing habits. Especially The Real Housewives. And General Hospital.

5. When making salad, does not always remove pith from the tomatoes.

6. Has made unkind comments about my dishwasher loading abilities.

7. Frequently makes meals that do not generate leftovers and require a lot of kitchen clean up.

8. Buys the wrong milk.

Isn’t that nice?

Maybe I should needlepoint each item on a pillow.

See? It really is better to give than receive.

__________________________________________________

Psst! If you need help with your holiday shopping, try The Mouthy Housewives’ First Annual Gift Guide as well as The Holiday Gift Buying Guide for the Cat Lover in Your Life. Because not everyone cares enough to gift a list of annoying shit their loved ones do to bug them.

One year ago ...

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

dadsprimalscream December 9, 2011 at 12:48 am

OMG I literally almost choked laughing at this list.

What’s not to love about this gift?

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Cranky Old man
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 1:09 am

In your complaint obout the tassle comment, you make the mistake of believing that men have a reason for everything we say. We don’t. He does not like tassles. For some reason tassles were on his mind. He does not know why. He mentioned he does not want. He does not know why he mentioned it.. DO not take offence, we just say shit, there is not always a reason, and it often has nothing to do with you.

This was,however, very funny

Cranky old Man

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kimberly December 9, 2011 at 4:27 am

Hopefully those tassels on his mind weren’t pasties.

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Stasha
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 3:58 am

if #5 occurred in my home I would seek marriage counsellor imediatelly. I say get him the tassels!

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kimberly December 9, 2011 at 4:25 am

Not that you have a really good memory or anything.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes December 9, 2011 at 8:04 am

If I were you I’d embroider the list on a pair of slippers. Without tassels ofcourse.

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Becky
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 8:34 am

I’m so far behind this year, I haven’t even gotten to the list making yet. Your ability to be so organized is a great gift. I’m jealous.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 8:42 am

You left out how he belittles your subway adventures in an attempt to elevate his own and how he faces the wrong way when exiting a theater row. (see: I’m Right, You’re Wrong) [I’m just trying to be helpful in the spirit of the holidays.]

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Marta
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 9:30 am

HAHA.

Also, my husband has poor dishwasher loading techniques. I remind him frequently. Perhaps he needs to give me his list.

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Amanda December 9, 2011 at 10:40 am

You are likte the Emily Post of homemade ideas. I love this.

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christy December 9, 2011 at 11:30 am

OMG you never fail to disappoint (unlike husbandrinka)! So freaking funny Marinka. SO funny!

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Phoenix Rising
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 1:00 pm

Surely there’s an etsy shop where I can get my own set of pillows. The first one would say “For The Love of God, Put The Milk Back In The Damn Fridge, Asshole.”

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Vicki
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 3:36 pm

WTF is pith? You don’t want your salads to be poignant or forcefully expressive?

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Polish Mama on the Prairie
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I think he secretly wants the tassles.

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b a seagull
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 5:37 pm

… and yet you stay with him? You are a saint.

Reply

Suniverse
Twitter:
December 9, 2011 at 6:12 pm

You are a very, very generous person. Your husband should be thankful that you are in his life. What with his stupid untassled feet.

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dusty earth mother December 9, 2011 at 10:21 pm

What are kitten heels? I want them.

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magpie December 11, 2011 at 4:19 pm

Tomatoes have pith?

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Deborah J December 11, 2011 at 6:44 pm

Yes, I have a list too.
…but the children are slowly leaving the nest so in the interests of harmony and increased marital bonding I am biting my lip.
The teenager was particularly…umm…aggravating in an ungrateful way yesterday. I may have offered a few motherly criticisms in a loud but caring voice. She may have slammed the door as she left.
…and when I returned from reopening the door my husband said, “I’m looking pretty good right now.”
Dammit he was right.

Reply

the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 11, 2011 at 10:56 pm

What is pith?

Reply

joeinvegas December 14, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Get him the slippers, but put on a lot of bells so you can hear him coming. (he didn’t say no bells, right?)

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