The holidays are around the corner (don’t bump into them!) so obviously we’re all focused on gifts.
“I don’t think we should exchange gifts this year,” I tell Husbandrinka.
“Oh,” he says, pouting a bit. “I already made a list.”
So then I have to pretend that I’m interested in his list, but fortunately this takes less acting than anticipated because item number one is “slippers, no tassels.”
Now, I am very pro-slippers, but as far as I know no one in our family has ever had tassled slippers so I’m confused why he needs to specify.
“Because I don’t like tassels,” he explains, which, yes, thank you, I’d pieced that one together all by myself.
“Well, you also probably don’t like little bells or feathers or kitten heels on your slippers,” I tell him, “and yet you trusted me to know this.”
He says nothing because hello, point-set-and-whatever-that-thing-at-the-end-is. Match? Game? Whatever. This isn’t a sports blog.
But by now the damage has been done, my victory is hallow and I’m seething. My holiday spirit has been totally ruined. But then I think — why not make this into an opportunity?
So I decide to make my husband a home-made gift from the heart.
A list of things he does that I don’t like.
I figure that it can be a gift that gives year-round, because whenever he’s about to do something, he can consult the list and see if the thing he’s about to do annoys me and then not do it.
Surely this will eliminate a lot of anxiety for him and lead to happiness.
Here’s my list so far:
1. In making salad dressing, always uses red wine vinegar instead of balsamic even though I love balsamic vinegar.
2. In 1999, when I asked if he was “the looks or the brains” in our relationship, responded “this is sort of awkward, since I’m both.”
3. Our cat Nicki sleeps at the foot of our bed, but she only attacks my feet, never his. When I suggested that it was because his feet were too stupid for her to attack, he said “whatever” in a way that made me feel that he didn’t respect my opinion and value me as a human being and a life partner.
4. Makes fun of my TV viewing habits. Especially The Real Housewives. And General Hospital.
5. When making salad, does not always remove pith from the tomatoes.
6. Has made unkind comments about my dishwasher loading abilities.
7. Frequently makes meals that do not generate leftovers and require a lot of kitchen clean up.
8. Buys the wrong milk.
Isn’t that nice?
Maybe I should needlepoint each item on a pillow.
See? It really is better to give than receive.
Psst! If you need help with your holiday shopping, try The Mouthy Housewives’ First Annual Gift Guide as well as The Holiday Gift Buying Guide for the Cat Lover in Your Life. Because not everyone cares enough to gift a list of annoying shit their loved ones do to bug them.
One year ago ...
- Calls From School - 2012