Guess who’s guest posting here today? Hey, when I said guess, I didn’t mean look down, you huge cheater pants. Well, now that you’ve peeked, I’ll tell everyone else–it’s the very funny and very beautiful Kelcey from The Mama Bird Diaries and my fellow Mouthy Housewife. I’m lucky to have her as a friend because she has four kids, including newish-twins and is so sleep deprived, when I asked her for a guest post she agreed just to shut me up. I also love Kelcey’s blogblog, it’s the very first one that I read in the morning. So enjoy it and also check her out at Babble, writing about NYC and parenting!
I was so honored to write a guest post for Marinka. Until I realized it was just her way of delegating her workload. But still, what an honor that she chose me! Until I realized she extended the invitation to a bunch of people. But I tried to push past all that, mostly because I felt an obligation to Nicki her cat. And Ladrinka because of that gum cup. Plus, I don’t use the word fuck on my blog but Marinka lets the F bombs fall like mad over here so it’s a chance to let loose a bit. So anyway, here we go mother fuckers…
I used to think it was really hard to find a husband. Because despite going out frequently with my girlfriends in my twenties and getting hammered on Lemon Drop shots at theme bars, it took forever to find him. But now I know that bagging Mr. Right is not the difficult part.
The real challenge is to find good bedding.
I’m enormously bedding challenged which doesn’t sound like a serious ailment but I once had a panic attack over a Laura Ashley comforter in the 8th grade. And today, no matter which sheets my husband and I choose, I never rest quite comfortably knowing there might be something better out there. How can I sleep when some other couple is right now drooling on pillow shams that are meant to be ours?
We’ve had bedding from Dwell for a good long time but at this point, a bedspread from the bed bug infested Waldorf-Astoria would be a more sanitary option. My husband’s hair product has discolored the pillow cases. (Now I have to take a moment to contemplate whether it’s sexier that my husband uses hair product or that it’s seeping into our pillow cases.) Children’s spit-up has tarnished the sheets. The sun has faded the comforter cover.
I constantly search and search for a new Queen set but nothing ever seems right. Until a Macy’s sale gets me all jazzed up and I impulsively buy new bedding.
So it comes and it’s all wrong.
Wait – I’ve written more than half this post and I haven’t sworn once. So fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Anyway, the duvet has an aqua color design that is way too matchy matchy with our light blue bedroom walls. I am defeated again. I’ll have to send it all back.
But then our cleaning lady comes and I can only imagine that she is ecstatic over the beautiful vision of new sheets. She is probably dreaming of a world where she no longer touches linens permanently stained by baby spit-up. She quickly makes the entire bed with the new sheets.
Which is when I walk into the room.
“Oh crap. I’m so sorry. But I’m returning that bedding.”
So she unmakes the bed, repackages the bedding and remakes our bed with our same tired, sad sheets.
And then a few days later, the email comes.
Sender: My husband (the hair product abuser)
The Subject Line: Ok, now I seriously found our bedding
It might be hard to tell but that’s the Major League Baseball Philadelphia Phillies complete bed ensemble.
Last we checked, Kelcey Kintner is still living in Westchester with her four kids and her Phillies fanatic husband. She is still searching for new bedding.
One year ago ...