The Search for Dream Bedding

by Marinka on February 8, 2011

Guess who’s guest posting here today? Hey, when I said guess, I didn’t mean look down, you huge cheater pants. Well, now that you’ve peeked, I’ll tell everyone else–it’s the very funny and very beautiful Kelcey from The Mama Bird Diaries and my fellow Mouthy Housewife. I’m lucky to have her as a friend because she has four kids, including newish-twins and is so sleep deprived, when I asked her for a guest post she agreed just to shut me up. I also love Kelcey’s blogblog, it’s the very first one that I read in the morning. So enjoy it and also check her out at Babble, writing about NYC and parenting!

I was so honored to write a guest post for Marinka. Until I realized it was just her way of delegating her workload. But still, what an honor that she chose me! Until I realized she extended the invitation to a bunch of people. But I tried to push past all that, mostly because I felt an obligation to Nicki her cat. And Ladrinka because of that gum cup. Plus, I don’t use the word fuck on my blog but Marinka lets the F bombs fall like mad over here so it’s a chance to let loose a bit. So anyway, here we go mother fuckers…

I used to think it was really hard to find a husband. Because despite going out frequently with my girlfriends in my twenties and getting hammered on Lemon Drop shots at theme bars, it took forever to find him. But now I know that bagging Mr. Right is not the difficult part.

The real challenge is to find good bedding.

I’m enormously bedding challenged which doesn’t sound like a serious ailment but I once had a panic attack over a Laura Ashley comforter in the 8th grade. And today, no matter which sheets my husband and I choose, I never rest quite comfortably knowing there might be something better out there. How can I sleep when some other couple is right now drooling on pillow shams that are meant to be ours?

We’ve had bedding from Dwell for a good long time but at this point, a bedspread from the bed bug infested Waldorf-Astoria would be a more sanitary option. My husband’s hair product has discolored the pillow cases. (Now I have to take a moment to contemplate whether it’s sexier that my husband uses hair product or that it’s seeping into our pillow cases.) Children’s spit-up has tarnished the sheets. The sun has faded the comforter cover.

I constantly search and search for a new Queen set but nothing ever seems right. Until a Macy’s sale gets me all jazzed up and I impulsively buy new bedding.

So it comes and it’s all wrong.

Wait – I’ve written more than half this post and I haven’t sworn once. So fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Anyway, the duvet has an aqua color design that is way too matchy matchy with our light blue bedroom walls. I am defeated again. I’ll have to send it all back.

But then our cleaning lady comes and I can only imagine that she is ecstatic over the beautiful vision of new sheets. She is probably dreaming of a world where she no longer touches linens permanently stained by baby spit-up. She quickly makes the entire bed with the new sheets.

Which is when I walk into the room.

“Oh crap. I’m so sorry. But I’m returning that bedding.”

So she unmakes the bed, repackages the bedding and remakes our bed with our same tired, sad sheets.

And then a few days later, the email comes.

Sender: My husband (the hair product abuser)

The Subject Line: Ok, now I seriously found our bedding

Photo Attached:

It might be hard to tell but that’s the Major League Baseball Philadelphia Phillies complete bed ensemble.

Fuck.

________________________

Last we checked, Kelcey Kintner is still living in Westchester with her four kids and her Phillies fanatic husband. She is still searching for new bedding.

One year ago ...

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New York Mom|The Mama Bird Diaries - humor parenting
February 9, 2011 at 12:03 am

{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }

christy February 8, 2011 at 7:07 am

That first paragraph literally made me giggle out loud, motherfuckers.

I, too, hate sheets. I mean, I LOVE them, but I can’t find the right ones either. Ugh.

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tracey February 8, 2011 at 7:46 am

I hate sheets. And by that, I mean I don’t use them. Well, we have a fitted one on our beds, but I never put flat sheets on any of our beds. My poor kids won’t know what they are when they move out and buy a set and wonder why the hell they have extra sheets without any elastic. Our sheets are simply for forts and picnics.

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) February 8, 2011 at 7:54 am

You’re right!! Bedding is like the holy Grail of items. I buy sheets and I think I’ve done it! But then, just like Goldilocks, it’s to scratchy, or smooth, or soft, or heavy…I never get it right. That’s why I steal bedding I like whenever possible. I’m coming to your house soon…sounds like you have what I need!

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hokgardner
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 7:59 am

I am with you on this. My husband gets nervous any time I go near a store that carries bedding, because he knows I won’t be able to resist going in and buying something.

I had some sheets from Pottery Barn that were perfect – so perfect that we used them until they were so worn out that the disintegrated in the wash. I haven’t found bedding to rival them since. But the quest continues.

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Keyona
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 8:02 am

Some people are so cute when they curse.

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Kelly February 8, 2011 at 8:14 am

Sheets are so hard! And my hubby doesn’t understand it at all. After searching for forever I had the perfect set up. Gorgeous and soft sheets, a comfy duvet and a gorgeous quilt.

Then we went on vacation and I accidentally closed the door where the litter box was. My pet sitter couldn’t figure out where the cat went before she came, but you can probably guess. RIP perfect sheets. I hardly knew ye.

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Becky February 8, 2011 at 9:02 am

I have to say the only problem I have with my sheets is folding the stupid fitted sheet. How in the hell do you do that? If anyone knows the secret, I would looove to hear it. I always end up with it everywhere but up my ass…

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MommyTime
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 9:38 am

And the you find the perfect sheets, and the dog goes and scratches a hole in one of them trying to tuck herself in, even though she’s not allowed in the bed, or some other travesty happens, and it’s like you never even had perfect sheets to begin with. *sigh* I hear you.

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alexandra
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 10:47 am

I’m sorry… I never could finish this post.

Still laughing and rereading “I was flattered when Marinka asked me to guespost till I realized she was just delegating her workload.”

Man, me, too..Can she work it.
Oh, this was wonderful..

THANK YOU!

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anymommy February 8, 2011 at 11:36 am

I ordered new sheets on Amazon a few months ago. I chose the color “mocha” because I thought it would look lovely with our chocolate brown duvet & decorative pillows. The sheets are 1970 disco ball gold. Hideous. Our house cleaner gasped when he saw them and visibly cringed as he put them on our bed. BUT FUCKING A, I refuse to pay return shipping on SHEETS.

Whew. This struck a chord. Obviously. xo, love Kelcey

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Awesome dude February 8, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Poor Sigismund Schlomo Freud did not live long enough

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annie February 8, 2011 at 12:44 pm

Have you tried micro fleece sheets yet? You’ll never get out of bed! Handy for those 648 days of snow.

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Tess Jones
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 1:05 pm

My husband refers to me as The Linen Ho.

My quest for the perfect bedding continues…

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Slow Panic
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 1:29 pm

I too am bedding challanged. It’s ridiculous. I am completely intimidated by bedding. WTF

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Karen in TX February 8, 2011 at 1:35 pm

Tracy, I also only use fitted sheets. So instead of buying the sets, I splurge on the high thread count fitted sheets. Mmmmm, comfy.

Kelcey, you find the perfect bedding, but it doesn’t work with color scheme of walls? As my SO will tell you, I repaint the walls. Walls are easier to paint than to find the perfect bedding. IMHO

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Alexandria
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 1:41 pm

Ugh. Tell me about it. Just when you buy something you check another website and there is something of better bedding proportion. and its always the ones you love most that are light cream colors and all i can imagine is them being stained with poop 5 minutes after you put them on the bed.

And Ps. I’d tell your husband “Oops cleaning lady already unpacked bedding so we’ll just be keeping it”

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Peajaye
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Another excellent guest post. I’m just a little concerned that Marinka will soon be outsourcing to the Tiger Moms. And then what?

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 2:45 pm

this guest posting confuses me (of course, there’s not much challenge in that these days as the onset of my late mid-forties leaves me perpetually, mildly addled) b/c I don’t know if I should post here or over at mamabird. But what the fuck, here goes. Sheets. I think that if there’s a heaven, there are clean sheets on the bed EVERY DAY. Is there anything more heavenly than sliding into a high thread count clean sheet bed? Which brings me to a very serious concern for us bedding-obsessed gals: with all those folks revolting over there in Egypt, WHO is tending to the Egyptian Cotton Sheet Factories, dammit? Let’s get our priorities straight, people. Am I clear?

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Loukia February 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

I have found one perfect set of queen size sheets that I LOVE having on my bed. Speaking of queen sized sheets, when I was engaged, my grandmother bought me a nice set of queen sized sheets for Christmas. Because I had these sheets, I decided we HAD TO get a queen sized bed even though my husband wanted a king sized bed. I will forever regret the fact that I based our bed size on a set of sheets! REGRET!!!! Size DOES matter!

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anna see February 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm

Our bedding is a wreck. Keep thinking we’ll buy better stuff, but I keep waiting to get a king sized bed. Oh well.

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Anna
Twitter:
February 8, 2011 at 11:22 pm

i don’t mean to quibble, but i think it’s phillie *phanatic*

and the sheets look way better in person, you’ll love them!

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Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him
Twitter:
February 9, 2011 at 12:06 am

That Philly bedspread is a fucking disaster. You have me saying the F word a lot now. It’s catching.

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Lady Jennie February 9, 2011 at 6:50 am

Oh this was so fun to read. Such a hit. And yes, we got our bedding at Bed Bath & Beyond 10 years ago on our wedding registry because we were not clever enough to register in more than one place. It’s not even all cotton. And we can’t bring ourselves to spend the money when, for instance, the front and back gates are BOTH crumbling and falling out of the wall at the same time. I don’t use the F word, so could you use it for me?

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Heather February 9, 2011 at 8:14 am

Team bedding? Sexy! Or, if you just want something totally awesome (and of course expensive), look at the John Robshaw collection…soooo nice (if not team oriented!)

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Jordana February 9, 2011 at 8:48 am

I started reading quickly and saw all the “F-bombs” and said, “Where is Kelcey’s post, she doesn’t curse like that??!” In other words, I did not even recognize my BFF of over X years (I am no longer allowed to give out the number) due to all those curses. But then I read about returning a purchased item, and I knew I had found my Kelcey.

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amourningmom February 9, 2011 at 9:28 am

Good luck with the quest. I am not showing Evan those Philly sheets. . .

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Wendi
Twitter:
February 9, 2011 at 10:38 am

Fucking awesome guest post.

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Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole
Twitter:
February 9, 2011 at 11:15 am

Oy. I still get a little queasy thinking about my own bedding-induced panic attack in 8th grade…I still wish I had picked something else!

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Dawnmarie February 9, 2011 at 11:51 am

Who knew there were so many of us out there! I have to say my absolutely favorite sheets EVER are the highest thread count sheets (600, I think) I found at, of all places, Target! They wash well (unless you have a bleach accident, farewell my favorite sheets). They never pilled, were always soft and smooth to the touch (I sleep nekkid so thats very important). My next favorites were Northern Night’s from QVC, I laughed (internally) when my ex-MIL gave them to me. I thought she was getting me back for leaving but it turned out she was rewarding me. I recently bought 1000 thread count sheets for a lot of money from Overstock.com. I hate them, thin and they got pilly after one wash. Back to Target I go.

Now if only I could find a comforter I like for more than 5 minutes.

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Heidi
Twitter:
February 9, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Fabulous post…I finally convinced my husband to let me get new bedding for our bed, but I still use our old, white sheets most of the time and just pull the fancy duvet and shams over them. Although, I bet I could find some gorgeous print that would go with yellow. You know, since the white sheets are no longer white. I agree with commenter above – painting the walls would be WAY easier than finding new sheets! Ha!

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Ann's Rants
Twitter:
February 9, 2011 at 10:41 pm

So anyway, here we go mother fuckers…

Made me cackle.

Jesus, woman you should see our comforter. TRAVESTY. It used to be white, and now its…”sweat”

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Beth February 10, 2011 at 4:59 pm

My MIL gave me money to get a new bed cover when we bought our house last October. I looked and looked and possibly drove my husband insane. He followed me around the same stores many times (I was convinced they’d get new stock in) with this defeated look on his face. And when I finally chose something, he was so relieved! I’ve now decided I don’t like it. Too late to return it, too cowardly to confess I don’t like it. I’m considering painting the room, I’m only afraid I’ll make it worse.

Reply

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