The Wife Is Always The Last To Know

by Marinka on March 15, 2012

Husbandrinka has turned into a bit of a health nut recently, eating healthful foods, swimming, drinking only on occasion. (And not on the “it’s evening! I made it through another day!” occasion that I seem to be celebrating.) He also walks to work. His office is a few miles away, so he has to leave early. And comes home late.

Perhaps you know where this is going.

And one morning, so did I.

Because on that morning, as I moved his jacket, I saw something underneath and my heart sank.

It was a pair of Heavy Hands.

Do you know from Heavy Hands? (Amazon Affiliate link.)

First of all, I thought they became extinct in the 1990s.

And second of all, why were they under his jacket.

“Do you…walk..with these?” I approached him carefully, because goodness knows how long he has before he snaps.

“Sure!” he said. He didn’t seem alarmed that I found them.

“But it doesn’t do anything if you just keep them in your pocket,” I was feeling more brave.

“I don’t keep them in my pocket. I use them.”

“Use them?” I asked. My mind was a numb place.

“Yes, like I do curls while I walk.”

And then he grabbed the Heavy Hands and showed me. Biceps curls. Triceps curls. Quintuplet curls.

It was like One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest and into my life.

I almost fainted.

“But don’t other people see you?” I asked.

“Yeah, but who cares? No one ever says anything.”

“Of course they don’t say anything!” I exclaimed. “Because they think you’re fucking insane.”

He sort of shrugged. Or maybe he was working on his shoulders.

But since I found out I haven’t had a moment’s peace. Because I’m pretty sure he’s doing this whole heavy handed thing to build up his insanity defense for when he ends up killing me.

I am in danger.

And now that you read this post, so are you.

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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

christy March 15, 2012 at 2:20 pm

One of the funniest things I’ve read in ages and ages. Tears!!!

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Loukia March 15, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Hahahahaha!!!! That made me laugh hard, Marinka.

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Brittany (BrittanyandTahn) March 15, 2012 at 2:45 pm

This really made me laugh. And It needed it.

Thanks!

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Suzy Q March 15, 2012 at 2:55 pm

So, THAT’s where my Heavy Hands went!

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Carinn Jade @ welcometothemotherhood
Twitter:
March 15, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Why do I find inappropriate things so damn funny?! I have been laughing all week about cheating, plagiarism and spousal injury. Like laughing out loud.

If this is wrong I don’t want to be right. Hysterical post.

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Sleeping Mom March 15, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I love this! Shrugging his shoulders as a workout, lol. Hey, at least he’s committed to working out, right?

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Suniverse
Twitter:
March 15, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I’d watch my back if I were you.

I tend to get suspicious when the husband does things like “shower” and “shave”. He’s up to something.

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Mindy March 15, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I have been married since 1974. Every night of our lives together, right before he turns off the bedside lamp, my husband says, “I hope I don’t snap tonight.” And flexes his biceps. I reply that I hope this isn’t the night he needs an emergency tracheotomy with my letter opener.

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Caroline @ The Feminist Housewife March 15, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I’m new to your blog….and I’ll be coming back for more laughs. Because this was hilarious!!

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Marta
Twitter:
March 15, 2012 at 6:52 pm

Omg, that would be mortifying. Hide them. Throw them away. Hit him with them and then throw them away.

Once. I’m embarrassed to write this. My husband, who gets nosebleeds, took a piece of tissue and stuck it up in his nose to stop the bleeding. Outside. In public. At my son’s teeball practice. I thought I was going to cry standing right next to him with a bloody wad of kleenex sticking out his right nostril.

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Corporate Wife
Twitter:
March 15, 2012 at 7:54 pm

I say you call his bluff and get some Shake Weights. Then Vlog about it.

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sharon March 15, 2012 at 8:44 pm

haha love this.

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alaina
Twitter:
March 15, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I see a fanny pack in your future. Step one, heavy hands. Step two, fanny pack. Nice knowing you!

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Jeanne March 15, 2012 at 9:14 pm

Are you enjoying his buff new bod at all?

(He won’t come clear to Ohio, so I’m feeling safe. )

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Glamamom
Twitter:
March 15, 2012 at 10:46 pm

Is that him?! I may have pointed and laughed once.

Lovely when they go on health kicks, isn’t it? Mine started his first while I was pregnant. Everyone kept commenting on how thin he looked. What kind of insanity defense do you think Husbandrinka will use?

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Alexandra March 15, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Exactly what I thought as I read this:

The wife is always the last to know.

What a slap in the face.

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Anna Lefler
Twitter:
March 16, 2012 at 9:31 am

Okay, here’s the other thing he’s been keeping from you: on the way to work he often becomes engaged in…

SPONTANEOUS DANCE-OFFS.

XOXO

A.

P.S. I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you. *jazz hands*

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Tonya March 16, 2012 at 10:11 am

Im pretty sure I saw Husbandrinka on his lunch break at the mall. Race walking. With a group from the local nursing home. He was winning though. So at least there’s that.

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annie March 16, 2012 at 10:36 am

Strong arms to strangle you with my dear ;)

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dusty earth mother March 16, 2012 at 11:19 am

When they find your cold body with an imprint of a Heavy Hand on your skull, I will be the first to speak up, at the risk of my own noggin. I love you that much.

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Karen March 16, 2012 at 3:57 pm

This absolutely “made my day”!!! OMG, I just love you and how your twisted little mind works because I SO relate!!!

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Isolated Existence March 16, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I just burst out laughing like a maniac in front of my pc when I read this part, “Of course they don’t say anything!” I exclaimed. “Because they think you’re fucking insane.” :-D

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anne flournoy March 17, 2012 at 11:47 am

Ha ha ha ha ha hey he’s ‘multitasking’! This is to be celebrated in a man. In my (admittedly limited) experience, it’s unheard of. Whether my husband won’t stoop to it or is constitutionally incapable is unclear.

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Mary March 27, 2012 at 11:01 pm

I subscribe to a lot of blogs and yours is my favorite. I laugh out loud so often. And I try and retell your stories to other people (unsuccessfully) but I can’t help myself. Just love it.

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