Things I Learned in Boot Camp

by Marinka on July 27, 2010

1.  If at all possible, don’t choose a facility that spells “camp” with a K.  Or two.

2. When you tell your friends that you’re going to boot camp at 5:3o am, and they ask if you’re insane, don’t assume that it’s a rhetorical question.  Seek a professional opinion, instead.

3.  When the check in person asks for your name, resist the urge to respond, “I know my rights, don’t ask, don’t tell.”

4. When signing the waiver at boot camp, try to add some “pre-existing conditions”.  I recommend “weak heart” and “trick knee” and “abdominal wall transplant”.  This may help if you need to “modify” some of the drills.

5. If they play techno crap music at the kamp, don’t ask if this is their version of waterboarding.

6. For some reason, you won’t endear yourself to the drill sergeant  by asking him if he was in ‘Nam.   In your defense, he looks a lot older than 34.  Maybe if he yelled less, he’d be aging better.

7.  When  the drill sergeant  tells you and your platoon to run five laps around the facility, it’s totally futile to tell him that yes, you see where he’s going with this, but everyone knows that AT&T coverage in Manhattan is for shit and that’s why you have a Verizon Blackberry instead of an iPhone and ergo (that’s therefore, Sir! Yes, Sir!) you couldn’t have possibly downloaded the Couch to 5K app yet, so you’re still working on the couch section of that program.  You will let him know just as soon as that changes, of course.

8.  When you’re asked to climb a wall, don’t ask if they are kidding.

9.  And no, they don’t mean “climb the walls” in the Yellow Wallpaper way.

10.  When you’re told to grab a tire and do two laps, don’t motion to your waist and say “besides this one?”

11.  When you are corrected on how to do jumping jacks, don’t mention your graduate degree and that you think you know how to jump while swinging your arms.

12. It will be really hard, but don’t ask “hey, should we be invading a village by now?  Let’s do the West Village first and then spread out to the East!”

13. Swear that you will never return to this hellhole.  As you’re getting changed, chat with a fellow platoon member, totally hit it off and promise her that you’ll be back.

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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }

traci July 27, 2010 at 8:07 am

THERE IS NO ROOM FOR SNARK IN BOOT CAMP!

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Cute~Ella July 27, 2010 at 9:40 am

I think we attended the same Boot Camp. I was asked not to come back though because I worked for the facility that offered it. I love your list and when I’m asked to take it again, I shall refer them to you!

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Keyona
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 10:07 am

I’m so glad you are doing this. You know the whole “learn from others mistakes” thing. 😉

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Loukia July 27, 2010 at 10:19 am

I think I would cry. I really, really would.

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alexandra
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 11:00 am

…lucky fellow platoon member, she is in for the ride of her life….

stay with it, it really really does work!! you will never look better.

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Joie July 27, 2010 at 12:07 pm

I jumped on my treadmill last night. Ran for a few. Watched True Blood while jogging. Stopped when I wanted to.

neener neener 🙂

(Although, I could really use a boot camp, I prefer the child’s way by making fun of you to make myself feel better.)

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Phoenix Rising
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 1:16 pm

Reading this cements in my mind that my decision to be sloth-like is most definitely the RIGHT decision for me. And I was actually IN the Army. I think this just triggered some sort of Post Physical Training Stress Disorder. I’m sorry; I can’t write anymore. I need to find something covered in batter, dipped in oil and sprinkled with powdered sugar….

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MommyTime
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 1:43 pm

This sounds like a perfectly hellish way to get in shape, and I’m totally envious that I can’t do it too.

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Candice July 27, 2010 at 2:14 pm

Surviving boot camp while also making a literary reference? Well done.

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Awesome dude July 27, 2010 at 3:32 pm

You just went to wrong school few years ago.

We did not get promoted to a second year if we could not make 10K cross country skiing run.

he he

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peajaye
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 3:48 pm

What I would add to Rule #1: “Or three – especially not three.”

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Coco
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 4:47 pm

I can’t believe you can even move your finger to type after all that. I would only be able to manage a grunt. That is if I were still breathing.

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anymommy July 27, 2010 at 4:56 pm

You are crazy. You couldn’t pay me enough. Make sure you ditch this idea before we life swap for bloggy reality TV.

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Tonya
Twitter:
July 27, 2010 at 8:35 pm

I’m still stuck on the 5:30am bit. Crazy! Glad you went though, hilarious!!!!

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San Diego Momma July 27, 2010 at 11:14 pm

I am currently being stalked by ladies in my pastoral suburban neighborhood to join their boot camp.

Which, I might add, takes place at 8:30AM on a Sunday.

If drunks are their target demographic (which if you knew my town, it most surely is) then change the time to something more heavy drinkers would be likely to attend.

Still, I promised to go and am unsure whether I will be ambulatory come Monday.

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anna see July 27, 2010 at 11:39 pm

Love the Yellow Wallpaper reference! I’m cheering you on from my couch!

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Tracey July 28, 2010 at 7:39 am

I love your blog……how did you get the “sharing is caring” widget at the bottom of your post???

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Cheryl
Twitter:
July 28, 2010 at 8:14 am

K is such a harsh looking letter. C is all swooshy and sweet. D’ya suppose that’s way Curves isn’t spelled with a K?

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Glamamom
Twitter:
July 28, 2010 at 8:32 am

You forgot…

14. Don’t crush on your 25-year old drill instructor and believe that it MUST be fate since you grew up a town apart and went to the same high school. Cause when you find out that he graduated eight years AFTER you and has the pick of any NYU co-ed (from stalking him on facebook), you will spend the remainder of your Tour of Duty mind-fucking yourself until you eventually drop-out.

Yeah. You forgot that one.

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dusty earth mother July 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm

And if the instructor calls the class “dirty worms” or “lardbutts”, leave immediately and google “Kind Kamp”.

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