This is Why He Sleeps With Earplugs

by Marinka on June 19, 2010

Oh my god, honey, can you wake up please? I think I have AIDS.  What?  Yes, I know it’s 4:30 in the morning, that’s why I said ‘wake up’ as opposed to ‘hi’.  I’m really worried.  I just remembered that I had, shall we say, unprotected contact, in the early 1990s…no, I didn’t share a needle…sex, you know, before we met, of course.  So I just realized that it may have been unprotected, I mean, it may not have been, but who the hell knows.  But I’m sure that he was skanky, it was the 90s, after all.  So now I think I have AIDS…No. NO! We can’t talk about this in the morning, I have AIDS now, and this isn’t the worst of it, you may want to sit down, yes, I can see you that you’re laying down, but you may want to emotionally sit down, because I probably gave it to you, too.  What are you talking about, symptoms? AIDS is the silent killer, there are no symptoms.  Blood pressure? Are you sure?  AIDS is not the silent killer?  Live and learn.  But silence equals death.  Is AIDS Livestrong?  I like those yellow bracelets.  That’s for cancer?  Well, what kind of accessory do you get for AIDS?  I give up.  But I’m really worried that I passed it on to the kids…I CAN’T SLEEP.  Do you think that this is fun for me?! …You may be right, I probably was tested for it when I was pregnant, but I think–I KNOW YOU THINK THAT MY THEORY THAT DOCTORS NEVER WANT TO GIVE ME BAD NEWS SO THEY JUST LIE AND SAY THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE is bullshit, but it doesn’t make it less possible.   Okay, OKAY, I will call the doctor’s office.  Do you think they’ll be able to page him now?  Yeah, good point, he probably doesn’t keep his records with him.  Although in this computerized age, I don’t see why not…Look at Nicki, what do you think she’s thinking?  I KNOW she’s a cat, does that mean she doesn’t have thoughts and feelings?  She’s probably thinking that she’s hungry. God, I envy her. Being a cat means that you don’t have to worry about AIDS.  Yes, she can think and feel and worry, but not about AIDS.  Whatever.  You know, marriage is about sharing your fears, too, it’s not all just fun and games.  I’m using fun and games metamorph—metamorphisically, you know what I mean.  Yes, metaphorically.  No, I am not forgetting words. I just messed one up, it can happen to anyone.  Early dementia? Nice.  Really nice.  I don’t even know if I’ll live long enough to have full blown dementia.  Salt in my wounds.  Fine. Sleep.  You heartless, soul-less…Nicki, what do you think? Do I look AIDS-ish to you?

* * *

I called the doctor’s office later that morning, asking for the results of my HIV test.  When they asked when I was tested and I said “approximately 8 years ago” I could hear the ever so slight eyeroll on the other end of the line.  But a few short hours later, they delivered the good news. I was  HIV negative.  Strangely, Husbandrinka didn’t think that it was news worthy of celebration by purchase of a new wardrobe with accessories.

One year ago ...

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

The Lady Ashefield June 19, 2010 at 9:24 am

Marinka- there is a god- good to hear a fellow Russian Jew whore is negative for *HIV– however- since your last testing- you are now sleeping with Nikki– and we know what a slag Nikki is…perhaps you should be tested for Feline AIDS…just a helpful thought.

signed- your health care fairy
aka The Lady Ashefield

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Coco
Twitter:
June 19, 2010 at 10:17 am

You are a trip. Glad you are negative. Don’t forget to shoot me over that 20% off coupon for iGo or if there is a place I can download it let me know. I really appreciate it.

Now don’t go having unprotected sex….or using dirty needles.

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Marinka June 19, 2010 at 10:57 am

Look at the post below this one–the discount info is below!

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Sophie@Fabrications June 19, 2010 at 10:54 am

Suffering from the heat, too?

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Elise June 19, 2010 at 11:26 am

Honestly, you need a sitcom Marinka. Or at least to be a writer for one! 🙂

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anymommy June 19, 2010 at 12:04 pm

You do not look AIDs-ish to me. Well. At least not in this light.

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Slow Panic
Twitter:
June 19, 2010 at 2:28 pm

everything is “worthy of celebration by purchase of a new wardrobe with accessories.” when will they understand that?

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shafeena
Twitter:
June 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm

haha.. stumbled upon your blog absolutely love it… great way to end my day waaaaaaay over this part of the world 😀

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statia June 19, 2010 at 3:06 pm

Why is it that every time it’s suggested you get an HIV test, you totally freak out and convince yourself you have AIDS? I swear. It’s like, you want to call the doctor and get an RX for some antiretroviral, you know, to cram.

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Awesome dude June 19, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Hypochondriac anonymous could be a good venture for a business oriented person in our city.

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MashugaMom
Twitter:
June 20, 2010 at 12:24 am

Love it… thank goodness you never met my husband. He’s just like you- Can I borrow some earplugs from Husbandrinka please.

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Maravonda June 20, 2010 at 6:00 am

Damn a man like that, Marinka. I totally think you are deserving, no, OWED, that new wardrobe and accessories. And you’ve lost weight lately, right? Poor thing, no wonder you were scared…buy the good stuff, okay? A major life crisis, joyfully overcome, does not shop discount…

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Jeanne June 20, 2010 at 8:15 am

Didn’t Husbandrinka realize that if you had it, he’d have it, too?

Clearly, he’s one of those starry-eyed optimists who think everything will work out for the best.

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dusty earth mother June 20, 2010 at 8:39 am

You are too too funny, Marinka. Very glad you’re not AIDSish. Tell Husbandrinka that you at least deserve a nice blouse for that.

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Miss Britt
Twitter:
June 22, 2010 at 11:17 am

Doesn’t it take a while to show up though?

I think you should get tested again. Just to be sure.

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Steph June 23, 2010 at 11:42 am

These are the kinds of things my husband hears in the middle of the night too! Glad to hear it’s not just me!!

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