Toddlers & Tiaras: More Fucked Up Than You Thought Possible

by Marinka on December 30, 2010

Last night I celebrated my last evening in North Carolina by watching TLC’s Toddlers & Tiaras an alternate reality show about children who participate in beauty pageants.

Now I know that a lot of people are outraged, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Let me explain. See, I believe that children, no matter what age, are old enough to have a choice.

So if the one year old twins, Scarlett and Isabella decided that pageantry was for them, I totally commend their mom for taking a break from her plastic surgery to get them to their dream destination.

Sure, walking the pageant runway is a bit of a challenge for the girls, because, you know, they can’t walk yet, but how are they supposed to go for the gold if they let age-appropriate development stand in their way? This is the problem with America, people. (Fortunately, Scarlett and Isabella are from Arizona, so they can lead the way!)

And four year old Makenzie? If there is anything more adorable than a toothless waitress, I don’t know what it is! Oh, don’t be silly! She’s not really a waitress! (Although she did say that she really admires waitresses because they’re “cool” and “bring you food.”) But the pageant had a ’50s scene and every contestant had to do something ’50s. And instead of doing “back alley illegal abortion,” Makenzie decided to do the waitress in a soda shop. FUN! FUN! FUN!

And how precious is 8 year old Danielle? With her amazing attitude, what with saying that she feels sorry for the other girls because they’re not as pretty as she is, and threatening to trash the hotel room if she doesn’t win, she has a promising future in Lohanville! What an adorable diva!

I wonder who bought her after the pageant?

I mean, that is the reason that the winners paraded on stage holding wads of cash, right? Surely that’s just the down payment, right?

Still skeptical? Well, maybe this will melt your cynical made-of-stone heart. You know, some people are unable to own dogs. Whether it be because of life threatening allergies, beautiful furniture that they don’t want destroyed or like, Michael Vick, it’s a condition of their parole.

Well, what do you do if you’re one of those unfortunates, but you still want to participate in a dog show? Get a kid and put her in a pageant, of course!

Pageants. I don’t know how I lived so long without them.

One year ago ...

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{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }

Halala Mama
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 8:57 am

I. adore. you. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh!!

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deborah l quinn
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 9:04 am

when I glom onto these shows while channel-flipping, I suddenly realize how a bird must feel when confronted with a snake: I am terrified by what I’m seeing but I can’t look away.
It’s the make-up that most horrifies me, I think. To put all that crap on something as deliciously soft and clear as a child’s face?
shudder.

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Dana
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 9:22 am

Methinks there’s a special place in hell for parents who wax their toddler’s eyebrows.

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Megan December 30, 2010 at 9:29 am

Those people scare the hell out of me.

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Peajaye
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 9:30 am

But aren’t they just trying to earn scholarships to the best pre-schools?

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Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) December 30, 2010 at 9:33 am

Hahaha…what a great way of looking at kids pageants. You have truly opened my eyes. If I had done this, than I wouldn’t have had to spend valuable time teaching my teenagers how to apply make up and straighten and/or curl their hair…they could have taught me! I missed the boat with my girls but someday, grandkids watch out!

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Melissa
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 9:40 am

This is funny as hell. But the show just scares the hell out of me.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 9:44 am

oh my gosh. I feel ill. Get out of NC and take your tiara with you.

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hokgardner
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 9:47 am

I got sucked into several of the shows yesterday. And here’s what I learned

1. To be in a pageant, your name must be spelled in the most fucked up way imaginable – Mikeyala, Tyffany, Tahylohr

2. Pageant moms always say that their daughter’s individuality shines through, yet they put them in so much make up and fake hair and teeth and glitter that they look like every other girl there

3. The “dance” routines during the talent portion would be considered too risque for a strip club

4. The moms are either morbidly obese and bedraggled or morbidly obese and covered in as much make up and glitter as their daughters

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Awesome dude December 30, 2010 at 9:47 am

This is very different social circle where many thousands of mothers are thinking in unison: I will not rest until my daughter will become better whore then me.

Actually it is very common.

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annie December 30, 2010 at 6:46 pm

I adore you Awesome Dude! It’s like you can read my mind.

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Hollywood Farm December 30, 2010 at 10:12 am

Pagents were created by and for women w no sense of self, so they have to recreate themselves and replicate what this twisted not so secret society perceives as normal, acceptable, and attractive. Saad sad sad!

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JulieBouf December 30, 2010 at 10:19 am

Oh damn! I was watching clips last night, but didn’t realize that the new season actually started.

I’ve only ever watched clips online, but I still love this show. I stay home and drink all day pondering my misfortune at having the most difficult 5yo ever and then I watch this show and it’s like an instant high….ha ha….some people have it worse than me … 😉

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JulieBouf December 30, 2010 at 10:23 am

Actually, I meant to say…some people have screwed up their kids worse than me 😉

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chrystal December 30, 2010 at 10:26 am

I’m so glad you wrote about this today (long time stalker, here, HI!). I watched that episode last night too, and made my husband watch. He said, “I’m so glad we have sons.” 🙂
I could NOT believe that the one mom brought the twins on a PLANE, and has already spent over $250K to start the babies up on their pageantry “career”. She was RIDICULOUS. “Bella really came into her own this pageant.” UM, she’s ONE. She has no idea what you’re doing to her!
And the four year old!? Holy shitballs. “i wont my neeee-neeeee” (spelled how she sounded, not gramatically correct, for emphasis, sorry). That kid clearly doesn’t hear “no” very often.
And when the baby won “grand supreme” and the 8 year old ran off crying? Give me A BREAK!!!

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From Belgium December 30, 2010 at 10:26 am

And people think I mistreat my childeren because I dress them in miniature AC/DC t-shirts…(apperently those aren’t meant for girls)

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Ellie Belen December 30, 2010 at 10:29 am

Flipping channels I came upon this episode. I was appalled. It makes me want to organize a rescue mission or call those folks from Intervention.

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Issa
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 10:40 am

I can’t stop watching it. It’s like everything that is wrong with the world in one hour.

I wish I’d thought of this before hand, but I thought up a great Toddlers and Tiaras drinking game. Every time, Plastic Surgery Barbie says the word money, you drink. Sadly, I’m slow on the uptake and thought of it an hour after the show was over.

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CSY December 30, 2010 at 11:30 am

UGH! I tried watching this show once – it gave me a headache…kids are whiney enough without the added stress of pleaseing mom with winning a pagent…altho my 13 yr old is WAY prettier…maybe I should sign her up! Anyone have $MILLIONS to lend me? JUST KIDDING!!!

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CSY December 30, 2010 at 11:30 am

And apparently I STILL don’t know how to spell!

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Yuliya
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 12:48 pm

Please review 16 and Pregnant next.

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ChiTown Girl December 30, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Thank GOD I’ve never seen this piece of garbage disguised as a show. Just reading this was enough for me!! These parents need help, and their children should be taken away!

BTW, I need to slap the crap out of Vodkamom for sending me here yesterday. I wasted, I mean spent, over 2 hours reading back through your archives!! I’m addicted! You are hilarious. 😛

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Kimberly December 30, 2010 at 2:13 pm

I watch this and remember my Grandma saying “young ladies who dress like whores deserve to be raped” (at which point I need a hard liquor shot immediately)… so it’s that much more skeevy in my brain to see toddlers made up like this.

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Kimberly December 30, 2010 at 3:15 pm

I want to see Pregnant At 70.

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Mwa (Lost in Translation) December 30, 2010 at 5:32 pm

Absolutely! I particularly loved the one where they were suggesting that plucking a four year old’s eyebrows was optional, while fake tans were indispensible. How I nodded in assent.

(Note to self: must book baby in for hair dye. His hair is a kind of indeterminate colour. Would be much more fetching ginger.)

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Ann's Rants
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Brought to you by the better business baby boudoir bureau.

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P.K. December 30, 2010 at 5:41 pm

Yay, a place where I can admit to watching T & T!

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Nona
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 5:42 pm

I feel like such a slacker. I screwed up my kid’s life by insisting she do homework and chores. I never once tarted her up and paraded her around a cheap hotel.

I should call her and apologize for not recognizing her true potential.

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annie December 30, 2010 at 6:48 pm

My girls saw the previews and thanked me for not making them do shit like that. I was so proud!

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Loukia December 30, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Oh, I cannot even watch this show… it totally infuriates me! What are these parents thinking? Clearly… not a whole lot. Poor, poor children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, Marinka! See you in San Diego?! xoxo

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SaRaH December 30, 2010 at 9:52 pm

All you h8ters prolly have babies who aren’t that sexy.

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tracy
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 10:41 pm

Sounds like I need to start watching this show for make-up tips. Thank you for the awesome review! 😉

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Kimberly December 30, 2010 at 10:45 pm

Thank God I have boys…and although they’re cute enough for me, they’d never cut it in the pageant scene.

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dusty earth mother December 30, 2010 at 10:46 pm

Gag me with a mini-mascara. I would like to say that such people don’t exist, except that I used to be an actress and often auditioned with children for commercials. Or shall I say, I auditioned with their hideous stage parents hissing suggestions; the children were optional.

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Maria from nj December 30, 2010 at 11:10 pm

I followed your tweets last night and you had me crying w/laughter. Sad that parents go to those extremes because they have no self-esteem.

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kiki
Twitter:
December 30, 2010 at 11:14 pm

i don’t make an effort to watch the show, but if there is nothing else on, or i’m feeling pretty low about myself, i’ll tune in. i have mixed feelings about the whole pageant thing, but i think my 6 y.o. son should enter a pageant, he does great Spongebob and Patrick imitations, and likes to dance and wear my shoes. i sent a link to a video to your twitter of one of the pageant “Supreme” girls, Eden, singing on The Talk. Eden’s mom cried after her performance and it was so sad to watch. the reactions of the co-hosts mirrored my own.

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Fairly Odd Mother
Twitter:
December 31, 2010 at 7:56 am

I caught the last half of this show and, oy, trainwreck! The kid screaming for her NI-NI was just beyond disturbing.

But, did you catch the NEXT show TLC has found (BTW, I think they need to turn in their “The Learning Channel” title right now and become “The Ludicrous Channel” or “The Laugh-out-loud-at-these-people Channel): My Strange Addiciton. OMG, the woman who eats toilet paper?!?! The other sleeps with hairdryer ON in her bed with her??!?! My mouth hit the floor when I saw the previews but I couldn’t bring myself to watch the show.

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monica December 31, 2010 at 10:09 am

Every time I watch those little girls parading up and down the runway, pouting and shaking their non-existent booties the song “I Like My Women a Little on the Trashy Side” starts running through my head. This show is sad, sad, sad and it makes me want to throw stuff at these girls (and sometimes boys!) parents.

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tracey December 31, 2010 at 10:35 am

I have watched it several times, always in amazement at the expenses they put out for… a trophy? To win cash which is thousands of dollars less than what they invested? I’m not sure. It’s like a train wreck: you just can’t look away.

But honestly, I’m actually okay with the IDEA of pageants. Dressing in beautiful clothing and perfecting whatever you’re talented at sounds sweet in theory. It’s the parents that have contorted it and made it sexual and full of make up and hair spray and hot pants.

One thing I don’t agree with in your post is the statement about waitressing. While it may not be my life dream for any of my kids to be a waitress or waiter, there are plenty of people I love who have happily supported their families by working in the service of others – be it restaurants, bars, deliveries or many other. And truly, if my children were HAPPY in one of those positions, I hope I’d be happy for them. I think we need to be careful how we word things about jobs and careers. It could really hurt someone’s feelings…

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elenka January 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

HA HA HA…I have never watched that show, but I did during this vacation and I saw the exact one you are talking about. I don’t know, maybe that’s the only one they televised, but whatever, I just wanted to puke.
I’m glad you straightened me out!

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Andrea
Twitter:
January 1, 2011 at 6:20 pm

I’ve never actually WATCHED the show. The horrors of the idea alone just stop me. But I’ve heard it’s quite the train wreck. Thanks for the summary. I think I’ll keep my daughter at home for a little longer …

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Texasholly
Twitter:
January 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Seriously, love that show. OK, not that seriously. And I have boys. Although, have you seen the episodes where the BOYS compete??? HOLY CRAP. If I ever enter anyone in a pageant then shoot me. Also, what is with the spelling of pageant?

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Alexandria
Twitter:
January 3, 2011 at 5:57 pm

this post was ha-larry-us! i watched this show for the first time the other night too and it was so fucked up. i decided i’ll never watch it again because i wanted to punch a 4 yro in the face for whining over her paci. i figured that if a show like that can bring on such strong emotions in me i probably shouldn’t watch it.

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Sara January 11, 2011 at 10:03 am

This show is one of my guilty pleasures, although I’m always a little ashamed as I watch it. I’m getting a PhD in psych and my husband wants to take me to these things to hand out business cards.

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Pat February 23, 2011 at 6:52 pm

Why would you dress up your baby like a grown up and move Luke a 30 year old in a strip club ? I am sure a lot of Pshycos in jail watch this sick show , shocking!

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Pat February 23, 2011 at 7:01 pm

Why would you dress up your baby like a grown up and Act Like a 30 year old in a strip club ? I am sure a lot of Pshycos in jail watch this sick show , shocking

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