Twitter, Where Have You Been My Whole Life?

by Marinka on May 27, 2010

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know that I love Twitter. Where else can you have a meaningful life-affirming discussion with Kathy Ireland and get Real Housewives of New York‘s Kelly to follow you?

Awesome.

One of the sorrows of my life is that Twitter was not around during my formative years. And I think I speak for everyone when I say that it’s a loss for the entire country.

Here are the sample tweets that you could have seen, if Twitter had been invented earlier.

1970
Another cold day in Leningrad, another breadline – MarinkaUSSR

1975
Started school. No friends -MarinkaUSSR

1977
Leaving Motherland -MarinkaUSSR

1978
In Italy. In exile. -MarinkaExPat

1978
In America. Brady Bunch is funny. -MarinkaUSA

1978
Sorry for spoiler that Brady Bunch is funny West Coast friends. Will try to learn custom of your country. – MarinkaUSA

1980
Ronnie! Ronnie! -MarinkaLobodomized

1985
Graduating from high school. -MarinkaEyeRoll

1989
Graduating from college. -MarinkaFeminist

1993
No, Mama, I’m not a lesbian! -MarinkaSingle

1994
Nor a whore -MarinkaFriendly

1996
Guess what?! I’m engagerinka! -MarinkaDiamond

1997
I Do! – MarinkaMrs

See? Humanity’s loss.

What would you have tweeted?

One year ago ...

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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }

Miss Britt
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 5:41 pm

I am grateful that there wasn’t Twitter when I was in high school and college. I’ve read my old diaries, and it pains me to think anyone else might have been exposed to such a lethal combination of angst and self righteousness.

Reply

amy2boys
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 5:47 pm

This is SO FUNNY.

What Miss Brit said to the 9th (or possibly 20,000th) power.

Reply

alexandra
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I think twitter/blogging/FB all save people from the lonely teenage years…it really keeps us feeling less isolated, and more of a group…

It would’ve saved me many nights of tears from low self esteem of my undeveloping body…

Reply

Karen at French Skinny May 27, 2010 at 6:25 pm

I would have been retweeting your tweets.
Perfection.

Reply

kiki
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 6:57 pm

i’m happy twitter wasn’t around when i was a teen. it would’ve been another way to be rejected by boys. kelly “followed” me after last week’s episode, then she was gone a few days later. i’m assuming she read the tweets i posted about her and changed her mind. oh well.

Reply

GrandeMocha
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 7:43 pm

Oh the evidence I would have left behind. Glad Twitter wasn’t there.

Reply

anna see May 27, 2010 at 8:06 pm

Oh I just love this! You slay me!

I feel sorry for our kids that their angst will be preserved for all to see.

Reply

Alex@LateEnough
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 8:11 pm

1993-2001
Let’s just pretend those tweets didn’t happen -AlexDrama

Reply

SweetPeaSurry
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 8:15 pm

Twitter 1991: New zit, highschool is hard on the face. SurryCaked w/Make-up.

Reply

MommyTime
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 8:22 pm

1984-1987
I’m “Crazy For You”!! Madonna makes my heart ache. In a good way. *sigh* So does You Know Who. –CrushTime

Reply

Heather, Queen of Shake Shake May 27, 2010 at 8:33 pm

1974 – An angel is born -babyHeather

1980 – The worst decade ever has begun. -Heatherhatesthe’80s

1985 – @Marinka congrats on H.S. graduation! I’m still in elementary school. Do you feel old? -youngHeather

1991 Am in love! -young&dumbHeather

1992 – graduated H.S. – GetHeatherOutofSmallTown

1996 – Graduated college, got engaged & married. Very productive year! -HeatherNeedsDrugs

Reply

Sophie May 27, 2010 at 11:38 pm

Wow. Excahnge all the “Heathers” with “Sophies” and it would have been my tweet. Except, off course, I would have added much more existential bull between 1985-1992, and also I had the army thing, so got married at 1997 and graduated 1999. Ah well.

Reply

Pauline
Twitter:
May 27, 2010 at 9:23 pm

Rolling on the floor.

Reply

Jen May 27, 2010 at 9:24 pm

I hate twitter but I sort of wish MarinkaFriendly was real so that I could follow her.

PS. I will be in New York in early July. Please send me your address whenever you get the chance so that I can hang around outside your house and stalk you.

Reply

MarathonMom May 27, 2010 at 10:49 pm

Love these! Always funny!!

Reply

traci May 28, 2010 at 10:52 am

Hysterical. I totally copied you on my blog. which is great because me previous one sucked.

Reply

Phoenix Rising
Twitter:
May 28, 2010 at 10:58 am

Why won’t they stay on THEIR side of the couch? I drew a LINE! Stupid Siblings – AngstyPhoenix

Reply

MFA Mama
Twitter:
May 28, 2010 at 12:36 pm

1982 – Thrown out of pre-school for telling friends where babies really come from. My mother’s midwifery is ruining my life. MFAChicklet

1984 – If I believed in god, Judy Blume would be it. Reading is awesome. MFAChicklet

1989 – Thrown out of 5th grade for reading Erica Jong during quiet study time. No, YOUR mom is a neglectful drunk! MFAPrecocious

1990 – If I believed in god, the New Kids On The Block would be it. Only need twelve more trading cards to have full deck. MFABrainwashed

1991 – Catholic school? Seriously? MFAHalfJewishAtheist

1991 – Have learned to curse, smoke, and French kiss. Catholic school is FUN! MFAEnlightened

1995 – Drunken whore mother threw me out. Boo. Conned my way into college, dormitories. Lost virginity. Whee! MFA16

1999 – Grad school is awesome. I just tell everyone I don’t drink because I’m in recovery, and they’re writers too so they’re like “ahhh.” MFA20

2000 – What happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. MFANewlywed

2001 – Whoa, there really WAS a baby in there! MFA_Mama

2004 – R/T @MFA_Mama Whoa, there really WAS a baby in there! MFA_Mama

2005 – R/T @MFA_Mama Whoa, there really WAS a baby in there!//Vasectomies: don’t buy the hype. MFA_Mama

2006 – This dude is a total jerk and always has been. Am leaving him and moving on. MFA_Mama

2008 – R/T @MFA_Mama This dude is a total jerk and always has been. Am leaving him and moving on.//FOR REAL Y’ALL! MFA_Mama

2008 – Now I’m really on Twitter.

Reply

Kate Coveny Hood
Twitter:
May 28, 2010 at 6:25 pm

I cringe to think of what I would tweet between the ages of 16 and 26. They would rotate between

Will never find a boyfriend – will die an old maid at 30 – BigPieceofPathetic

and

I got so drunk last night – BigPieceofEmbarrassMyself

Reply

Issa
Twitter:
May 28, 2010 at 6:26 pm

Best one is – 1978
Sorry for spoiler that Brady Bunch is funny West Coast friends. Will try to learn custom of your country. – MarinkaUSA

laughing my ass off. Sigh. I wish Twitter had been around in the dark ages. 😉

Reply

dusty earth mother May 28, 2010 at 9:10 pm

I am thoroughly enjoying the thought of you tweeting in Leningrad in 1970.

Reply

Peachgalintn
Twitter:
May 29, 2010 at 8:08 am

Love the blog!

If Twitter had been around, my tweets would have looked like this:

1983: Dressed myself 4 school 2day…sent home #imaybeintrouble
1985: Moving 2 ATL, peaches R good.
1988: Mono sux, someone come visit me PLEASE
1989: tried my 1st cigarette, gag
1989: i heart smoking
1990: Passed driving exam, ya’ll look out
1992: Moved into dorm #Ihatemyroomate
1992: Got a new roommate #hatehertoo
1992: College isn’t 4 me
1993: Hope the University accepts me back #I’lldobetterIswear
1997: Wedding day! #Ichangedmymindinthevestibule
1998: Quick and easy divorce…done!
1998: Hello Memphis!
2000: Hello Atlanta!
2000: Hello Memphis! #I’mflighty
2004: Eloped in New Orleans!
2005: Hello suburbs!
2006: Hello Divorce Court!!
2006: Single Life, phffffft.
2006: I should quit smoking…and getting married.

Reply

polwig June 4, 2010 at 12:05 am

That is so funny. Still have not been able to totally understand the point of twitter.. You make it a lot easier 🙂

Reply

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