We All Have Problems

by Marinka on April 2, 2009

Last night I was sitting at my desk in full “the genious is working” mode, preparing to work on my book. I don’t know how Shakespeare did it, but I find that a few good games of Freecell on the computer really get the creative juices flowing. So, I’m totally excelling at Freecell, like really, don’t even think of challenging me to a playoff at BlogHer, when suddenly, I notice that I have some new email. Through the power of positive thinking, I know that obviously it’s from an agent who wants to get my yet to be written book published. I check my email, thinking that maybe I can get this agent to do some of the writing, because as the reigning Freecell champion I can’t devote too much time to other pursuits, and it turns out that my power of positive thinking is so strong that the email isn’t from an agent after all. It’s better.

It’s my daily email from Real Simple magazine, which, hand on my heart, is the best thing that I’ve ever subscribed to in my life. I mean, every day, completely free of charge, I get a different quote from them from people like Kirkegaard that’s all philosiphical and shit and says “Most people rush after pleasure so fast that they rush right past it”, which I really think is just a really pretentious way of saying “don’t forget to smell the roses”. And really, if your name is Real Simple don’t send people quotes by fucking Kirkegaard.

But that’s not enough. Because yesterday I get this gem as quesion of the day: I thought that it was an April Fool’s joke. Someone wrote in asking where is the best place to put the cat litter-box. I’m glad that she specified cat, because I had a few ideas for the bovine litter box.

Here is the answer:

Where should I put the kitty litter box?

A. When it comes to finding the right location for the litter box, any room will do, as long as the box is set up correctly. Follow these steps when setting up:

Comfort is key. Pick a room in which you spend a lot of time. If your pet feels at ease there, he will be more likely to use the box (and not the carpet). The box should not be in a highly trafficked area.

Let me get this straight. It has to be a room where you spend a lot of time, and yet it can’t be a high traffic area (therefore eliminating the interstate). Hmm., a bedroom? But only if I’m on bedrest? Why do I have to be in the room a lot? Don’t cats need privacy? What kind of a sick fuck cat is it that needs to be around someone when using the litter box?

Check the lighting. Make sure the room is well lit and away from the pet’s food.

Is candlelight ok? I want to make sure that it’s flattering to my cat’s complexion and I find that light bulbs can be so harsh.  Oh, and away from the pet’s food? Really? Ok. But it’s ok to put the litter box in the oven, I assume? After all, it’s well lit and away from the cat food!

Provide an escape route. Cats are in a vulnerable position when using a litter box, says Mieshelle Nagelschneider of the Cat Behavior Clinic, in Seattle. Because cats don’t have the privacy of a bathroom, they need to know they can get away from threats in a hurry, so be sure there is a clear escape route.

This is a joke, right? I’m going to publish this post and then everyone will laugh at me, because what kind of a moron believes that there is a Cat Behavior Clinic and that someone actually suggested an escape route. From the litter box. Here’s an escape route that we have in NYC in case of, you know, an attack; Follow the light. Since this cat already has candle light, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Put the bin in plain sight. This might mean you’ll have to walk around the box for a couple of weeks, until your cat is used to using it. Once your cat is comfortable visiting the box in that room, slowly move it one inch a day to a position that is more convenient for you but where your cat will still use it, says Nagelschneider. If you need to move the box to another location, repeat the process.

So I’m no interior designer, but the way that I’m imagining this bathroom is that the litter box is on top of the dining room table, with huge red EXIT signs all over the place, soft lighting, music playing and just the right number of people walking by.
This is not Real Simple. This is Simply Insane. One of the things that cats do well is use the litter box. I recommend that you put it in the bathroom and get on with your life.

Friendly reminder: Don’t forget to visit Nightly Nicki. Now using the litter box without an escape plan.

One year ago ...

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