Who’s On First Was Easier

by Marinka on March 12, 2010

Yesterday I had an alarming conversation with Young Ladrinka.
It was in two parts.

Part One, Young Ladrinka informed me that a friend of his used a curse word, “the V word” to be exact. When I made the universal “I am of such pure mind that I do not know what of you speak,” he pointed downward and said, “You know, a girl’s nuts.” (When I related this conversation to mama, she said “I don’t envy his wife” because, apparently according to mama, “I like your girl nuts” is not a good pick up line.)

So I thought nothing of it, genitalia is genitalia and he’s a bit too young to go to Vagina Dialogues, so whatever.
Except then, Part Deux:
As I was tucking him in at night, he said, “Ow, your elbow hurt my nuts.” Which was weird, because unless his testicles are now growing from his shoulders, I could not have touched them. But then I thought “what’s with the nuts this-nuts that business?” So I asked him, and he said, “would you prefer that I said PENIS?” and I said that I’d prefer that he said TESTICLES and he said, “What are they?”

I started to explain, but he meant, no, where are they on the body, so I said, “Under the penis” and he said “Testicles are under the Nuts? I thought those are Balls.” “No,” suddenly I am a nobel laureate in anatomy, “Nuts and testicles and balls are all the same thing?” And he said “How can Penis be the same as Balls?”

And no matter how many times, or how loudly, I explained that nuts are not penis, he would not accept it.

This is why this shit needs to be taught in schools.

One year ago ...

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{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

Lady Ashfield March 12, 2010 at 12:28 am

this post reminds me of a stroll you, John, and your darling children had through Central Park Zoo one hazy afternoon. i would have thought the “nut” lesson would have been learnt there- on the spot….hehehe…

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Maria
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 12:44 am

I snorted with from ‘a girl’s nuts’ on. I agree that it should be taught in schools – what the fuck am I supposed to tell my girls about labia minors and majors and shit? I don’t know what that shit means or even WANT to talk about it.

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Vicki
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 7:49 am

This is why I am praying for all female children. You deserve a PhD in Elementary (School) Anatomy.

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Keyona
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 7:51 am

Bwahahaha! That is hilarious. Shit, that means that now that I’m having a boy I’ll have to deal with that bull. Or maybe not. Where the hell was his dad. I would have called a timeout on that conversation!

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Mo March 12, 2010 at 8:02 am

If I were you I’d tuck your elbows in.

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Crys March 12, 2010 at 8:32 am

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I laughed and snorted thru this whole post! I have 2 sons of my own and this is SO a conversation that I would have with them….except I’d be peeing my pants laughing so hard!!!

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I'm Nate's Mom March 12, 2010 at 8:45 am

Wait . . . are boobs nuts, too? I still don’t understand how you hurt his nuts while tucking him in. Unless you Russians have a different way of tucking your children in at night. I’ll need more info from Mama.

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traci March 12, 2010 at 9:33 am

Where can I start the pool “Ladrinka gets called to the office for playing The Penis Game”?

You know, where you and your friends in class take turns seeing who can say penis the loudest?

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GrandeMocha
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 12:29 pm

One month.

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Mrs. C March 12, 2010 at 9:38 am

To funny, I laughed really hard.

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Bianca March 12, 2010 at 10:33 am

My little sister who is 3, just recently learned the short form for vagina (from me) and now refers to everything as her CUNT; I think it hilarious, her christian preschool teacher, hasa bit of problem with it. I think its because her’s has fallen off due to underuse.

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Heather, Queen of Shake Shake March 12, 2010 at 11:06 am

I had to explain tampons to my 9 year old, thanks to commercials.

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Maddnessofme March 12, 2010 at 11:08 am

Just tell him it’s like a division sign. The 2 dots are not the same as the line, are they?

Or just let him find out on his own one day, it’s all the same.

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Jane March 12, 2010 at 11:28 am

This just made my whole day!! I will laugh all day!!!

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Coco
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 1:10 pm

Sounds like a job for husbandrinka.

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Sorry For The Convenience
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 1:29 pm

Good or bad that he didn’t incorporate the word “junk” into this discussion?

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Issa
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 4:21 pm

That’s it. I’m calling it all the pee pee like my grandma did. Problem solved.

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phd in yogurtry March 12, 2010 at 5:39 pm

I hope you poured yourself a stiff one after that bedside chat! whew!

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phd in yogurtry March 12, 2010 at 5:40 pm

must add, I did love the girl nuts bit. I could not have kept a straight face, I don’t think!

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MommyTime
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 7:12 pm

*sigh* If I had a quarter for every conversation I’ve had like ths, I would be a wealthy woman. In our house, it’s “Ha ha ha ha! I bonked you on your WEINER!” (said by the boy to the girl). And then I say in a tired voice, “do girls have pensis?” and they both laugh and say that, no, girls don’t! And I say, “Well, then, she doesn’t HAVE a weiner. She has a vagina.” And they give me withering looks like they know all this already. And then 45 seconds later, as they’ve resumed the pillow fight, I hear them both laugh and laugh as she says, “you bonked me on my weiner AGAIN!!”

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MommyTime
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 7:13 pm

Also, apparently, I cannot spell penises. Sorry. It’e been a long day of pillow-fight-weiner-defining.

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Roshni March 12, 2010 at 7:25 pm

so what were his penis/balls/nuts/testis doing on his shoulders?!

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thecheckoutgirl
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 8:54 pm

For the next week I will be calling my vagina “my nuts”. I usually call it my penis but this is funnier. Also, I’m willing to bet that only porn stars and lesbians talk about their vagina as much as I do. I should probably see a professional.

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Slow Panic
Twitter:
March 12, 2010 at 8:56 pm

ok. my boys went through the same thing. at 11 the oldest has it figured out. finally. and is learning i don’t need to hear about it.

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anymommy March 12, 2010 at 11:35 pm

I need a better definition of girl nuts please. Before my boys start asking these questions.

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The Ranting Mommy March 13, 2010 at 8:59 am

Oh dear GAWD… I just snorted my mueslix outta my nose. And that hurts. You have a future as a science teacher in my opinion. I going to have to steal ‘girl’s nuts’ from your boy, however, ‘cuz that is a JEWEL. (no pun intended).

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Lady Ashfield March 13, 2010 at 9:39 am

Morning update:
I was just informed by work geigh John- that the above mentioned “nut sack” stroll took place before Ladrinka was even a sparkle in Husbandrinka’s eye…(that is where sperm is produced- right?).

So long ago, in fact, that young daughter was still stroller bound.

So- my recommended solution for Ladrinka’s genitalia lesson be this: either have John swing by with his nuts- flapping ever so gently in the wind…or have him produce “ocular evidence” of the days stroll. Either will do- and what could be “more wholesome” than getting a sex lesson taught by geigh Uncle Johnny.

You could even post this “ocular evidence” on your blog- sorta like a teaching guide for your beloved readers.

Love you- love you blog.

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Sophie March 13, 2010 at 2:51 pm

For a moment I thought I was going to use “girl’s nuts” during next week, but now I know it’s going to be “ocular evidence”.

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barbara sigelbaum
Twitter:
March 13, 2010 at 3:59 pm

when my sister was 3, she walked in while my father was bathing. my fairly uptight mother shooed her out but not before sis said, “why are hairy apples floating next to daddy?” i’m glad i hadnt been born yet.

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Jeanne March 14, 2010 at 8:18 am

My mother, who bore 7 children, refused to share any of the info she (clearly) had. She said, “I let you read anything you want. Can’t you find this in a book?” (True story.)

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magpie March 14, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Sometimes I’m glad I have a girl, though I did have a conversation with her recently about her, um, clitoris, which she compared to her baby cousin’s penis.

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