Holy shit, you guys. Guess who did a guest post for me today? Deb Rox. From Deb on the Rocks. I probably don’t have to tell you about this post about Royal Weddings and Conspiracy Theories, because mark my words, you’ll be referring to it come April. But what you don’t know is that Deb made BlogHer for me last year. Because after my (Screechy) Voices of the Year reading, I was running to the Mouthy Housewives party, bags akimbo and I ran into Deb just off Sixth Avenue. We’d met briefly before, but this time she stopped and talked to me. And I’ll never forget what she said. She said that she believed in humor as a genre and then she said something so wonderful to me that I can’t quite bring myself to post it here, but please know, that when things get dark for me, it’s one of those things that I replay in my mind. I will never forget her generosity. Unless I get dementia or something. What was I saying?
I’ve been wanting to guest post here at Marinka’s forever, mostly because I like to pretend I live in New York, and also because Marinka is so very pretty.
You know how Marinka uses that avatar photo where you only see the veiled back of her neck? Not just the nape of her neck, not just a veiled face, but a veiled nape of her neck. That’s hard-core mysterious, and it works. I have this theory that she has psychologically put all of us in the audience of her perpetual wedding to the world, daring us to bolt to our feet and shout This marriage must be stopped, for Marinka is born free and must live free!
I know for a fact at least one other person feels this way. And I’m not even talking about Neil.
So I’ve dreamt of having my words appear here in the critically acclaimed Motherhood in NYC (like I said, mostly because Marinka is pretty and partially because of the high-class Google juice she offers) and then I recently learned that Marinka was in the market for guest posts. What a coincidence! I decided I finally had my chance to exploit her while her defenses were down. Win-Win.
It was settled. I would write a guest post for Marinka! How exciting! Blogging is so full of opportunities! I felt better than a journalist traveling from umlaut city to umlaut city feels after he has had three cups of coffee and then discovers at the bottom of the cup the name of the Swedish prostitute who knows the secret to the mystery that explains why that hot girl is always kicking bees and doors and campfires.
Which is to say I felt pretty, pretty, pretty good.
But then block set in. What the hell to write? This is Motherhood in NYC we’re talking about! I choked.
Until I remembered that I’ve been around the blogging block a time or two, and I know what to do when times get tough for writers. I thought of the perfect blog solution to such a quandary: Wordless Wednesday!
Brilliant, no? But then I remembered a tremendous barrier to the brilliant execution of that plan. I suck at photography. I may well be the last person on the Internet who can’t even manage to take a horribly cool fake Instamatic photo. I mean, really, it’s humiliating. The last photo I took was of a flier posted in a bathroom about being sure to flush Stall 3 twice. Which I did, of course. But the clipart of the skunk looked fuzzy in my photo and then I forgot to send it to that one Tumblr that has all those photos. Because I just suck at photography. And at follow-through.
Then I thought about giving Marinka a Wordless Wednesday post that was wordless and also photoless. Just open white space, a cool place for your eyes to rest. Progressive, isn’t it? Wordless Pictureless Wednesday, a Guest Post by Deb Rox. The “P” blows the alliteration, though, and I knew people would hate that. Web people are picky about grammar and spaces between sentences and yearbook editor details like that. Plus, I was worried that when Marinka posted it, the trapped white space might just look like a mistake, like Marinka lost the post I sent her, or was making some sort of passive-aggressive statement about its value. (“That bitch, can you believe she did that to Deb?” the back channels would buzz. After I stirred it up a bit.) No good could come from that.
I’m thinking I have to avoid at all costs the question of guest posting for Marinka. Not now, not ever, really. Marinka is just going to have to write her own posts for once. And take her own photographs. She lives in New York, after all! Surely there are things to wordlessly photograph there!
I am at peace with my decision as I am very comfortable with being a slacker (years of experience pay off!), but I do admit I am somewhat worried that my failure to guest post might mean that Marinka never, ever allows her veil to be lifted in my presence, never allows herself to turn to face me. I will languish here in the row behind her, always a bridesmaid, never the one to dramatically rescue the bride.
Which, now that I think of it, I can live with, I can. Think of all of the effort I saved. And as far as views go, Marinka’s neck is really very lovely. Very lovely indeed.