From the monthly archives:

April 2009

Mask. Cher-less.

by Marinka on April 30, 2009

I have the best friends. They really look out for me.

Like the other day, John told me that we have to go get masks to protect ourselves against the swine flu. He read up on it and people who wore masks during the SARS outbreak were thirteen times more likely to survive, so with that kind of math on our side, we got some masks. I wanted to try them out on the bus ride home, but he didn’t. Something about looking stupid.

If there’s one thing I know about looking stupid, is that it doesn’t come naturally to everyone, so you have to practice. So I did. As a public service to you people, of course. Because I’m all about helping others.

Oh, and for the sake of full disclosure and transparency: I did not receive any compensation or products for this post.( Tamiflu, call me!) ok, please click on that Tamiflu link and check out that fluish woman’s sink. I love it so much, because it’s like all the dishes are totally cleaned, but they’re just piled in the sink because her family is brain damaged or something. And I love the expression that the little girl has. It’s like “MOM! You got that stupid flu on purpose!!! This is why I like dad’s girlfriend better!!!!!”

And it’s a good thing that I tried it out because the masks have defects. First of all, do not underestimate the looking stupid thing. Second, how are you supposed to enjoy snacks and beverages? I think they should have a hole in there for nutrients. Third of all, I am very worried about the lipstick industry. Will women still buy it? Will they be the next needing a government bailout?

Other than that–perfect! Well, breathing is a little tough, especially if you’re claustrophobic and don’t like something covering up your air holes. Maybe I can look into getting a chloroform scented one to help me relax?


Like a Thin Girl’s Rosa Parks

by Marinka on April 28, 2009

images from The Huffington Post.

This is Stephanie Naumoska, the Australian contender for Miss Universe. As I understand it, that means that she was vying to become Miss Australia to compete for Miss Universe, but I am, admittedly, not well versed in the world of beauty and glamour. But seriously, Miss Universe? Like, where’s Miss Mars? By the way if I were competing, I’d totally be Miss Anthrope. Also if I transgendered and became a drag queen.

But back to Stephanie Naumoska. She’s 5’11” and weighs 108 pounds. I’m guessing that at least 4 of those pounds consist of hair.

The media has been asking if she’s too thin. (And what’s her secret, tee hee!)

Ok, is this some kind of a joke? Is it a serious question? Yes, Stephanie Naumoska is too fucking thin.
Yesterday morning, I’m making the kids’ school lunches and I have Good Morning America on in the background and suddenly the story that I was born to watch comes on. Did you hear about this? This contender for Australian Miss Universe is under fire because she donned a bathing suit during the competition and she is so bony that everyone is super shocked and starts going on about how this is unhealthy and is she anorexic or bulimic and what kind of a message is this sending to our daughters.

Oh, sweet Jesus. I wish that this political correctness bullshit would just fade away, and maybe like for a day, people would say just what they meant.

Like, she looks bad. As in not good. In a way that has absolutely nothing to do with health. Heck, Kate Moss is no one’s idea of a health freak, but she looks fantastic.

But of course, everyone is focused on health, because we are all worried about this girl that we’ve never seen before and never want to see again. (As a matter of fact, the Good Morning America story is filed under “Health” on its website as opposed to, say, “Shit That Makes Old Hags Feel Better About Themselves”) Really, where do I send my check? Because with everything that is going on in the world today, I think that I am going to devote myself to her health and welfare. I’d like to sponsor her. Send her a few dollars each month for food and water and in exchange she will write me letters. I’m pretty sure that Sally Struthers prophesied this.

So I’m hoping that Good Morning America will say, “Is she too thin? Fuck, yes! Next up, how not to die from the swine flu and survive the recession!” but instead we get Stephanie telling Diane Sawyer how hurt she was about what people were saying about her and how she’s never cried so much in her life (hello, dehydration!) and that she is fit and healthy and that she eats six meals a day. The fuck? I don’t eat six meals a day. But I’m starting to think that that’s my downfall because I have seen Cindy Crawford twice when she lived in NYC and each time was at a pastry store. Two different ones. I had to conclude that that was her beauty secret. And yes, I was also there at the pastry shop, what’s your point?

Anyway, back to Stephanie. So she’s talking about her six meals a day, and this is when I start to suspect that GMA sets this shit up,because Diane Sawyer brings out a plate of food–I THINK it was fish and some vegetables, but it’s a full plate and asks “is this like a meal that you would have?” and Stephanie says “yes” and that she doesn’t deny herself anything. I can tell that she’s lying because a normal person would have lept at that plate of food and licked it clean, but she just sat there looking at it. Like it meant nothing to her. I don’t know. Maybe she just had five of her six meals before she went on the air that morning.

But my favorite part of the whole interview, and possibly of my entire life so far, comes when Stephanie says that she is speaking up for the rights of skinny girls everywhere. Because if ever there was a misunderstood demographic, it’s gorgeous, ultra thin young women. And as a society, we must devote more of our resources to helping them. I was so happy to hear that. Because I was starting to suspect that she was just getting her five calories of fame.


The Weather

April 27, 2009

The other day, my mama went to pick up the kids from school because I had an important appointment, which is also known as a massage.  Everything went well, except when I came home she told me that my daughter was at school N’AKED ALL DAY. This is obviously alarming, because I’m one of those […]

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For the Love and Comfort of Nicki

April 26, 2009

Last week, the kids and I had to go to Petco to get some cat food for Nicki, although my son immediately corrected me and said “Not CAT food, KITTEN food!” Like who cares what it’s called so long as it has arsenic in it. So we pass the peasant kitten food and go straight […]

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Pearls Before Swine, without the Pearls and Hopefully without the Swine

April 26, 2009

So I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but I think that Husbandrinka is trying to outlive me. Like on purpose.  You’d think he’d be one of those “I don’t want to live without you” husbands, but that would only be because you’ve never met him.  A few years ago he started this health and fitness […]

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Wearing the Ulysses Dunce Cap

April 25, 2009

I can’t read it anymore!I don’t understand it and I don’t like it.I thought that I could slog through it, but I can’t.So of course I thought that I’d just fake it and do these posts about how difficult it is, but I am suffering from a severe case of blog integrity. I’m sorry. If […]

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Good night

April 23, 2009

My son likes for me to sit with him when he goes to bed. He tells me that he loves me and when I kiss his cheek, he doesn’t wipe it off the way he does on most mornings when I drop him off at school. I love that time, despite the obvious challenges involved […]

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Things That Go Through My Mind As I’m Reading Ulysses

April 22, 2009

1. Holy Shit, I’m reading Ulysses. 2. By James Joyce. 3. A modernist. And a pervert. 4. I hope everyone on the subway notices that I’m reading Ulysses. I will hold up the book a little higher, so that they can see the title. 5. They should have a NEON title edition of Ulysses, I […]

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