Last week I met my lovely daughter’s handsome boyfriend which is one of those things that I file under “about damn time” since they’ve been dating for over a year which is like a decade in teenage years and who knows how long in dog years, although I suspect it depends on the breed, at least somewhat. Speaking of which, his favorite breed is a husky, which is not mine, so there’s tension already. But he was very nice (and didn’t push the whole husky agenda on me) and we did the whole handshake/nice to meet you thing and then as soon as he left, I asked her what he thought of me. And she said that he said that I seemed like a nice person, so I am happy to report that my daughter is involved with some kind of a genius who is an excellent judge of character and appreciates high value people when he meets them. I’m paraphrasing, of course, but still. STILL.
The other thing that happened is that I met my physical trainer’s boyfriend. Not behind her back, or anything, I’m not suicidal. We were at the gym, and she told me to do a plank, and I was hoping it was some sort of urbanspeak for a mojito and then she demonstrated and I got into this plank business and then her boyfriend walked by and she started to talk to him, while I was planking, which I now realized is urbanspeak for dying. Finally, she told me to deplank. But still. STILL.
I know these things happen in threes so I can’t wait to see whose boyfriend I’m going to meet next. I kind of hope it’s Ryan Gossling’s girlfriend’s.
The other evening I was having dinner with a friend and she mentioned that at our age, we have to do more than just exercise or just diet, in fact we have to do both.
There are many things that I hate about this, starting with that she said “at our age” even though she is several months older than I am, and ending with that I do not consider such statements to be appropriate dinner time conversation. Comments about “diet and exercise” or whatever the politically correct term for that is these days, are more appropriate for the deathbed, so that when someone starts blabbing about it, you get less sad about leaving your loved ones behind and possibly spending an eternity in Hell and start looking forward to a time when you don’t have to listen to shit about diet and exercise.
But then I started to think. Because despite the fact that I have a body of a twenty year old (in my freezer), I neither diet nor exercise. As a matter of fact, I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been eating as though I am in training for a food consumption contest, and although I don’t want to unfairly give you an “insider trading” type of indictable advantage, let’s just say that I wouldn’t bet against me if I were you. So, I continued to think, maybe it’s time to think about diet and exercise.
So I thought about diet and exercise and decided that it wasn’t for me. For one, I don’t really like diet and exercise and I read somewhere that the most important thing about diet and exercise is to like it, otherwise it’s dangerous. I may have read it in a Book of Things That Are Not True, but that’s not really the point. Then I thought that maybe I should let the Good Lord decide what my body will look like without interfering with His Divine Plan. Then I remembered that I am an atheist or maybe agnostic. Then I realized that I’ve never really been sure about the difference between atheism and agnosticism and I spent a few hours Googling it and then I wondered if there were children out there named Google and how that could be an adorable name when someone’s a baby but not so adorable when they grow up. Then I thought about my idea of how people should have different names for different stages in their lives. For example, I really like the name Gloria but I can’t imagine naming a baby that. So the baby would be named Molly, and then, at the appropriate time, at age twenty or something, the name would change to Gloria. It would be confusing at first, but shelter animals go through it all the time. Even our beloved cat Nicki was named Kendra when we got her.
Anyway, I was thinking all those things and getting hungry, which made me think about diet and exercise again.
And then some other things happened and I decided to get a personal trainer. And I had one session. I’ll tell you about it as soon as everything stops hurting. Maybe on my deathbed.