Cleanse

by Marinka on November 14, 2012

Last month I had dinner with Stacy and she looked more beautiful than ever. Generally speaking, I prefer my friends to maintain a steady level of beauty and not surpass it because who needs to deal with Excessive Glamour, but whatever.

“What the fuck is going on with you?” I asked.

And she told me that she’d been doing a cleanse, lost a lot of weight, feels better than ever, has more energy and some other nonsense that I had to drink a lot of Sohovignon Blanc to drown out. (Yes, we ate at a place that served Sohovignon Blanc. It almost makes you miss the Prohibition, except it’s really good.)

So we went on with our evening and then I went home, and after saying my nightly prayers, went to sleep.

I woke up enraged.

Why should Stacy be all cleansed and I be sullied?

I emailed her and demanded the cleanse information. And she, not immune to my skills of cross-examination, told me that it’s called the Clean Cleanse.

So now I’m considering it. Because don’t I want to be cleansed? Don’t I want to lose weight and be fabulous?

I immediately went on Twitter to get a medical opinion.

“What about organ failure?” someone asked. Which was a good point, because organ failure is really the last thing I need right now.

But then I thought, why should my organs fail? Aren’t my organs winners with a can-do attitude?

And the program is super expensive, so it’s got to be good and medically approved.

I’m torn.

On the one hand, I want to look fantastic and feel great and be healthy and on another, I’d miss coffee and wine.

I’m thinking of starting it after Thanksgiving.

Or never.

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

anna see November 14, 2012 at 9:31 am

You definitely need to wait until after pie, I mean Thanksgiving, to make such an important decision. From, your Un-Cleansed Friend.

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Wendi
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 9:35 am

I’ve been around people on cleanses. They are not very nice.

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stacy
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 9:57 am

Ah, but I was nice and supportive and thoughtful because my Cleanse is not one of those eating-nothing-posing-as-being-”healthy” cleanses. I leave that to the starlets and the wannabes. I’m too chunky for that kind of cleanse. ; )

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Mexmom November 14, 2012 at 9:41 am

You should wait to start until the New Year, you don’t want to miss all those family recipes right??

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Alexandra November 14, 2012 at 9:50 am

Where are your immigrant roots? Have you gone soft, Marinka?

My Abuela had her own cleanse, called Limpienza (Spanish for blood cleansing): boiled figs in vinegar.

Believe me, it will detox you all right. You’re only a week’s round away from your ideal weight.

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stacy
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 9:59 am

Marinka, I’ve since sullied my clean organs, which I blame on you and Karen Gerwin and Kelcey and our slumber party. Wait, NO: I will instead blame it on the boyfriend who dumped me after I had originally tried to dump him and he said no-no-no we have to try, and then waited and THEN dumped me. Yes, him. It’s all his fault… In any case, let’s Cleanse together, love. We can not drink together and tell each other how much fun we’re having. You, me, and the Clean powder, November 26. It’s a date. A 21-day date.

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Hope November 14, 2012 at 10:11 am

Holy Mololy, that costs a lot. Couldn’t you just eat paper?

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Susi November 14, 2012 at 10:30 am

It’s funny you should mention this today as we watched a show last night about a guy from Australia who did a cleanse called Reboot and he got others on the bandwagon. He was in seriously bad shape and was on tons of meds. It was amazing to see his transformation and the way he changed his life around to life a healthier life style.

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Dawn
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 11:42 am

Ugh. I keep thinking I should do a cleanse to but then I think about coffee and wine and think OMGNOWAYCANIPULLTHISOFF.

I have tried to cut processed food out of my diet (don’t tell anyone I ate a piece of holiday cranberry orange bread) especially sugar. That helps if I can stick to it and the weight really does start to melt away.

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Always Home and Uncool
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I’ve done a cleanse before so I’ll let you suffer vicariously by reading about my experience: http://blogonkevin.blogspot.com/2008/10/detox-or-die-trying.html

If you are pressed for time, I’ll sum it up for you: Are you f@#%ing crazy?

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Lady Jennie November 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I have done it so many times that I am quite sure I will never do it again.

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Mama D November 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I am grouchy enough on a normal diet. Cleanses would not be good for anyone who has to live or work around me!!

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Charlotte November 14, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I’ll cleanse with you!!! I’d like you to know, I am writing this comment from Burger Heaven, where I just polished off a delicious burger, dripping with melted cheese, and a giant pile of fries. So, clearly, I need this.

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noelle December 8, 2012 at 11:47 pm

I’m catching up on your blog by reading newest to oldest, so (in case you haven’t read ahead haha) you have at least 18 years before your organs fail!

Whether that happens because you cleansed or you didn’t, hmmm, hard to say!

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joeinvegas November 14, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I vote for never

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MommyTime
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 8:57 pm

How about do the elimination diet for three days, then buy some really good (read: the expensive, tasty kind) vegan protein powder (vegan matters because you don’t want all the protein coming from dairy, since to cleanse, you want to cut out dairy), and then make your own shakes morning and night, and eat the elimination diet recipes for lunches, which is what they recommend anyway? The protein powder will cost you about $40 for what you’ll use in three weeks. A good probiotic supplement, which you may want & they include, will run you another $10. As far as I can tell, that’s $375 less than Clean Cleanse is charging. And you can download the PDF of their plan for free online anyway. So why not do DIY powders? I know that they have more powders available than this, but I did basically what I’ve just described for three weeks one summer because I was having terrible digestive issues — and it totally worked. I felt SO MUCH better when it was done, wasn’t cranky while I was doing it, and probably dropped a few pounds in the process. (I’m the first to admit that I’m too cheap to do these plans, though they do occasionally appeal to me.)

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Awesome dude November 14, 2012 at 9:12 pm

In Brighton Beach they advertise it as “Twony one amazing days”.

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the mama bird diaries
Twitter:
November 14, 2012 at 11:16 pm

A cleanse is like running a marathon. It’s best to just watch from afar as other people do it.

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Holly November 15, 2012 at 9:50 am

I want to know more about this Cleansing program. It’s kind of investment in yourself. I’m like you, I’ll probably just think about it and never do it.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes November 15, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Been there, done that, lasted three days. Chocolate got me down in the end… Oh well, I’m Belgian after all…

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Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac
Twitter:
November 15, 2012 at 10:23 pm

I considered cleansing but instead signed up for a colonoscopy. At least you’re knocked out for a while!

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MsC November 16, 2012 at 2:16 am

Don’t do it! It’ll make you super crabbit (that’s a Scottish word for irritable) and miserable. Bring on the wine instead! x

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deb November 16, 2012 at 12:23 pm

this will be an unpopular comment (spent some time thinking about how to make it funny, but failed miserably). anyway, cut out all processed food, including white flour and white sugar and you won’t need a cleanse. you’ll feel AMAZING. technically, you shouldn’t drink wine either, but hey, nobody’s perfect!

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Nelly
Twitter:
November 17, 2012 at 8:43 am

Don’t do it!! On second thought, it could make for good reads.

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Jen
Twitter:
November 17, 2012 at 3:52 pm

A cleanse followed by a break-up is a solid weight loss plan. Stacy is about to kill us all with skinny hotness.

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Leigh Ann
Twitter:
November 17, 2012 at 11:54 pm

I can’t do anything that involves giving up coffee. I’ll stay dirty.

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mely November 30, 2012 at 5:39 pm

I especially love the california prop 65 notice at the bottom that says that there are ingredients that cause birth defects and can cause cancer. LOL, why is that funny to me??

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