As some of you know, I’m in a cult. Well, what I mean is I get together with a group of women and we play mah jongg for hours and hours, but cult has a certain ring to it.
And the other night we were playing with a new recruit and she suddenly looked at me and asked me when my birthday was. Naturally I assumed that she wanted to make sure to get me a birthday present, which is a quality I approve of in a friend, so I told her. March 31st. But it turns out that she was asking not because she wanted to pre-order a few of these for my special day. (That’s an affiliate link, btw.) But because she reads cards.
I need to backtrack here for a second to explain something. I am 45 years old and there are some things that I know about myself. One is that I cannot be around other people’s children for an extended period of time because they really drive me crazy. Another is that I don’t like okra. Part of it is that it’s called okra, but I’m so grossed out by it, I don’t ever want to eat it. A third is that I don’t like the occult. Or anything that’s fortune-telling-y. The last brush I had was in high school with a Ouija board and it flipped me the fuck out. I mean, I sort of know we were all moving that stupid board by ourselves, but what if we weren’t and the ghost was trying to talk to us. I’m sorry, ghost! (Although there was a fun moment when a friend of mine wanted to ask her sister a question and someone pointed out that she couldn’t because her sister was alive and she said, nonchalantly, “fine, I’ll go kill her then.” Some people don’t like to let a good Ouija board go to waste.)
So when this woman said she read cards instead of strapping on a garlic garland and throwing holy water on her, I said “Great! Let me know what’s in store for me!” Because I’m a fucking moron, if this hasn’t been made clear to you yet.
And she did. She got her book out, and kept asking me if I was going to move, if there was a big change coming for me. And I kept saying “no, I don’t think so, wait, what do you see, am I going to die, am I sick, am I ok, am I getting fired, OMG, what is happening?!” And she said “I don’t see any health issues, but I do see a big change coming in February and March, but the good news is that it will be a blessing.”
“A BLESSING?!” I screech. “Like I’ll be on my death bed and then when they pull the plug everyone will comfort each other that I’ve gone on to a better place type of blessing? Because I don’t like that.”
And I can tell that she sort of regrets by this point asking me when my birthday was and I know in that Sixth Sense way that there will be no birthday present for me and not just because I’ll probably be dead by then. But she forges ahead and tells me that according to the cards, I’m going to have some health problems when I’m 63. This is really the last thing I need right now, (or 18 years from now) because first of all, I just pictured myself at 63 and I look less like Jessica Lange and more like Holly Petraeus and second of all, how am I supposed to enjoy my life and prepare for the changes that are about to befall me with this Sword of Damocles hanging over my head for the next almost two decades?!
And whilst this is all happening, one of my other friends goes absolutely insane and says “sometimes change is good” like she’s Obama running for office in 2008.
So to make a long story short (because I have to prepare for some changes) you should start worrying about me as soon as possible. Because some changes are coming and that can’t be good. Especially if it involves changing the toner, because that shit is totally confusing.