Scent of a Woman

by Marinka on November 20, 2012

I hate talking on the phone. I hate it. I hate it for many reasons, one of which is that I am bad at ending the conversation, which I want to do as soon as the phone rings, and another is that even if I’m answering the phone mid-brain surgery, if the person calling me asks if this is a good time to talk, I will lie and say “absolutely!” for no good reason.

But this week I got a brand new and exciting reason to hate the phone.

Let me set the scene.

I am sitting there, minding my own business. Suddenly my phone rings. I pick it up. Of course I could not pick it up since I don’t recognize the number, but I know from experience what will happen. The caller won’t leave a message. I’ll end up googling the phone number. That’ll take me to some page that says that I can order information about that phone number for $9.99 per year, which is confusing because why do I need to know the phone number’s history for a year? I will become annoyed. Then I will google the area code, and find out that it’s somewhere in a red state and become indignant. Who is calling me from a red state, I will wonder. Maybe it’s an ex-boyfriend. I will check Facebook to see if any of my exes live in Texas. Then I will notice that one of my exes has a new baby and be all WHAT THE FUCK? I’m 45, so he must be at least 50, what’s with all the procreation, Tony Randall? Then I will become completely overwhelmed with exhaustion and take to my bed with a cool cloth to recuperate with a Law & Order marathon, which is never as soothing as it sounds because a lot of people get murdered. And personally, I don’t find that relaxing.

So to save time, I answer the phone.

“Oh no,” the caller says. “I think I got the wrong number. Who is this?”

Now we’ve all been in this situation before, right? We get the wrong number and have that Deer in the Headlights moment of not knowing whether to hang up or stay on and explain that it’s the wrong number and apologize and maybe send the greetings of the season while you’re at it. I kind of got where she was coming from.

“Who are you trying to reach?” I ask, not wanting to reveal sensitive information like my name, because one moment she has me on the phone, the next she’s making lampshades from my hide in her basement. Hey, I have cable. I know how this shit works.

“Oh, no I can tell this is the wrong number. God, I’m so sorry,” she says and I say “really, it’s ok. No problem.”

And then we hang up and the phone rings again. And of course it’s her again.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I got the wrong number again.” And she sounds so despondent that I sort of chuckle and say “not a big deal, ma’am. Happens. Bye.”

And just as I think I’m home-fucking-free, I hear this.

“Look, I don’t mean to put you on the spot, but you called me ma’am, and I’m a sir, and others have made this mistake before so I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, but do I sound like a woman to you?”

And how do you go about answering that question, exactly?

Unfortunately, I’m not too quick on my feet and came up with “No, of course not! It’s just that I’m -” and then I couldn’t think of a way to finish that sentence. Because I seemed to be implying that I’m not good at guessing gender over the phone and of all my limitations, I thought I had that one in the bag.

Which brings me to the fact that I hate talking on the phone. Because you never know who’s going to call. Or what’s going on with them, genitally speaking.

One year ago ...

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

tracy@sellabitmum November 20, 2012 at 11:56 pm

See this is why I never answer the phone.

Reply

Peajaye November 21, 2012 at 8:02 am

Maybe this was part of the “change” your psychic was trying to tell you about the other day, but you wouldn’t listen, Miss Science-Knows-It-All.

Reply

dusty earth mother November 21, 2012 at 9:09 am

Not to imply that you would make stuff up, but is this a true story? Because if it is… beautiful.

Reply

Marta
Twitter:
November 21, 2012 at 10:17 am

First of all LOFL. Second of all I HATE the phone. I never answer it. I don’t understand why someone would call me if they could just email me or text me instead. That said I’m currently waiting to hear back on an interview and obsessively carry my phone around with me begging it to ring.

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Mexmom November 21, 2012 at 10:23 am

Well, maybe he never went thru “changes” in the teenage years and his voice never changed….

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Arnebya
Twitter:
November 21, 2012 at 10:38 am

I answer unidentifiable numbers and just breathe. And wait. And look around the house because I know how this shit works too and whoever this is that’s calling from a number I don’t know is likely watching me. Can’t let him know I know he can see me. And I know he’s a he; it’s how this shit works.

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magpie November 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm

don’t answer the damned phone anymore. all the people at the other end are castrati.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes November 21, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Been there done that, blamed the line.

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Lady Jennie November 22, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Oh no. Too funny! 🙂 But it’s worse when you make that mistake face to face.

I also loathe talking on the phone. Everyone knows to leave a message because I won’t pick up unless I know who it is (stone age – no caller ID) and even then – sometimes I let them pour their heart out, after which I send a three word text at an appropriate delay by way of response.

Reply

Leigh Ann
Twitter:
November 27, 2012 at 8:41 pm

That “set the scene” paragraph is exactly why I love your writing.

And this post is exactly why I hate talking on the phone.

Reply

Roshni November 28, 2012 at 11:27 pm

I would definitely pay that $9.99 to find out who this person actually is!!!

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