From the monthly archives:

October 2013

Betting Woman

by Marinka on October 29, 2013

Last week my 12 year old son and I made a bet.

It was his idea, because betting me is easy money. I wouldn’t be surprised if Congress stopped mid-trying to balance the budget with a “Eureka! Let’s just bet Marinka the amount of the deficit!”

Anyway. He wanted to bet on the outcome of the World Series. I was game. Because if there’s one thing that I’m confident about, it’s my ability to pick a winner of that particular contest.

“You are on, young man,” I said, except without the young man part because what am I, 90? “I just have a few questions.”

I actually had only one question, specifically, which teams are in the World Series. If you’re spoiler-free, you may want to skip this part, but it turns out that the Cardinals and the Red Sox are jostling for the World Series Championship.

“Ok,” having been armed with this useful information, I was ready to proceed.

“Which do you want, the Cardinals or the Red Sox?” my son asked.

I didn’t want to show my hand, the hand of having no idea, so I smiled at him with what I hoped was a great deal of baseball wisdom.

“Why don’t you pick,” I said.

“Cardinals!” he said.

“Yes, that’s an interesting choice,” I nodded sagely. By the way, have you noticed that when people say something is interesting in response to whatever it is you’re droning on about, they usually mean it in the complete opposite sense? Interesting to ponder, no?

“That means you have the Red Sox,” he explained to me. He had met me on previous occasions so he had a keen understanding of my baseball knowledge.

And so we were off.

He wrote up our Betting Contract.

If the Cardinals win, I am supposed to supply him with endless Forbidden Snacks and if the Red Sox win, he’s going to unload the dishwasher every day for two weeks, complaininglessly.

So the tensions are high.

They are made higher by the fact that I keep forgetting which team I bet on and the pain he feels in having to remind me.

“Ugh, why do they have those horrific beards?” I ask and he doesn’t answer.

Last night, I overheard him talking to the TV. “Come on, Beltran,” he was saying, “I don’t want to have to unload the dishwasher.”

Unfortunately we have one of those old-fashioned TVs where the people inside can’t hear what you’re saying to them.

So far the Red Sox are leading the series. I just hope there’s not a smoothest shave category.


A lot to take

by Marinka on October 14, 2013

For a variety of reasons, my husband doesn’t read my blog. Something about not enough time, having heard all this stuff ad nauseam, not wanting to give me the page views. As with more things, the details are less important than distracting.

So I go on, post what I like, knowing that he will never commence litigation against me claiming assassination of character or some other nonsense that his legal team has been trying to pin on me since I first held a musket to his head and forced him into the state of marital bliss.

But now I’m starting to suspect that he does read my blog. Because the day after I wrote about my impending canonization, I get an email from him with dates that he will be volunteering at the homeless shelter. Overnight. He does this every fall/winter season, and although yes, it’s really “nice” of him, I see it for what it is: An attempt to one-up me and leapfrog over me in the whole Doing Good department. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

And lately, there’s been a lot to take from my family.

Like the other day, I was having dinner with my 15 year old daughter. We were sitting in the area that’s right next to our kitchen, having leftovers. My son was in exile on the living room couch because he had thrown up earlier in the day. “I’m hungry!” he protested, even though he knew about my strict No Throwing Up rule. “You can have crackers,” I told him as my daughter and I slurped up oysters and tripe.

Eventually his cries of famine died down, probably due to weakness and exhaustion, and my daughter and I were able to dine in peace.

The peace lasted for a few solid seconds and then I decided to engage in pleasant conversation.

“Who’s your favorite Kardashian?” I asked. I’m not sure what I was hoping to hear.

“Who are the Kardashians?” would have been nice, but unlikely, given that my daughter, being 15 years old, is under 90.

“I don’t like any of them,” was a possibility, albeit a faint one, given that I know she sometimes watches the show.

“IDK,” was what I had the most cash staked on since that is a frequent teenage response to parental interrogation.

But I absolutely was not prepared for her response. Her instant response.

“Lord Disick,” she said, not needed even a second to consider it.

“LORD Disick?” I asked. I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t know she was referring to Scott Disick, Kourtney Kardashian’s boyfriend/baby daddy. But the Lord part was new.

“Yeah, he was knighted,” she said.

“No, he wasn’t,” I protested weakly.

Make a bet!” My son coached his sister from the vomit couch.

“People under quarantine will not speak to the general population!” I reminded him. “How is he a LORD?” I turned to my daughter.

She shrugged.

“He’s just awesome,” she said.

She finished her homework, but my work was just beginning. After a Google search, I confirmed that anyone (with some cash) could become a Lord or a Lady.

I’m considering it.

Lady Marinka.

And I have Lord Disick to thank for it.

I hope my husband doesn’t get wind of this and try to one-up me. I can just see him going to the homeless shelter as King.


The Menstruating Vagina T-Shirt

October 9, 2013

Yesterday I was spending some quality time on Facebook, when I saw that Amy posted something about a menstruating vagina T-shirt. Which is an excellent way to get to Friendship Probation, by the way. Here it is: You can buy it here! But I have some questions, besides the obvious why. I mean, I’m the […]

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October 7, 2013

The other day, a friend called and asked if I could do him a favor. The thing about favors is that all things being equal, I’d rather they flow the other way. People doing them for me, in other words. It’s not that I don’t want to do favors for other people, it’s just that […]

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October 3, 2013

Last week, I went to L.A. to visit my friend Peajaye. I met him through my other friend Wendi, when she and I guest posted on each other’s blogs back in the good old days when people did that. Anyway, Peajaye and I have been friends since 2008 (which sounds ancient), so I wanted to […]

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