Here is a list of problems that you will encounter when you decide to blog after a long absence from blogging:
1. You will find out that your domain name has expired. This will be a fine how-do-you-do, and you will wonder how this could have happened. Then you’ll remember that you got your domain name through Go Daddy and the many, many emails that have come addressed to you with dire warnings from Go Daddy, but that when you saw them, you thought that you are a feminist and Go Daddy had a sexist commercial at the Super Bowl half time show a few years back and the term “Daddy” is kind of porny and you will express your displeasure at all things patriarchal by not reading the email, because if there’s a way to create a better world for our children, it’s to mark email as Spam.
2. There will be a not-too-brief intermission during which you will try to figure out how to log into your Go Daddy account to renew the domain name. You will accidentally renew a wrong domain name. Then the right one. Then you re-renew it again for a few hundred thousand years because you never want to have this experience again.
3. Only a complete idiot would be surprised to learn that you do not remember your blog password when you try to log into your blog. A mere decade or so later, you reset everything, hit “REMEMBER PASSWORD ON THIS COMPUTER” with emphasis and you’re ready to roll.
4. You will become a person who says “ready to roll” for no apparent reason.
5. Your kids will ask you why it’s ok for you to say “Fuck all this shit and the horse it rode on!” but yet when they say “Gosh darn it!” you raise a perfectly arched eyebrow.
6. You will re-read #5 on your list of problems that you will encounter when you decide to blog after a long absence from blogging and realize that you are now a person who makes up lies in blog posts.
7. Then you will realize that in a country that elected that lying monstrosity as president, making up lies in a blog post doesn’t even warrant a mention, although now you’re worried that you won’t stop mentioning it.
8. You will wonder if you can get through a whole post without writing about your absolute dismay at what is happening in America now and how you cannot believe that anyone voted for this, even though you know and love people who voted for exactly this. There are asterisks all over that sentence but you can’t remember how to insert them.
9. You won’t be able to decide what to blog about first: how your life has changed in the past few years, how great your kids are, how hard it is not to kill the cats, how you turned 50 even though you don’t feel a day over 70, the ballet you saw the other day. And then you’ll think that maybe this list post is enough. To break the ice.
10. You will remember that lists have ten items.
11. You will be an overachiever by adding the eleventh item to the list.
12. You will remember to thank people for reading.
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