Problems

by Marinka on May 25, 2017

Here is a list of problems that you will encounter when you decide to blog after a long absence from blogging:

1. You will find out that your domain name has expired. This will be a fine how-do-you-do, and you will wonder how this could have happened. Then you’ll remember that you got your domain name through Go Daddy and the many, many emails that have come addressed to you with dire warnings from Go Daddy, but that when you saw them, you thought that you are a feminist and Go Daddy had a sexist commercial at the Super Bowl half time show a few years back and the term “Daddy” is kind of porny and you will express your displeasure at all things patriarchal by not reading the email, because if there’s a way to create a better world for our children, it’s to mark email as Spam.

2. There will be a not-too-brief intermission during which you will try to figure out how to log into your Go Daddy account to renew the domain name. You will accidentally renew a wrong domain name. Then the right one. Then you re-renew it again for a few hundred thousand years because you never want to have this experience again.

3. Only a complete idiot would be surprised to learn that you do not remember your blog password when you try to log into your blog. A mere decade or so later, you reset everything, hit “REMEMBER PASSWORD ON THIS COMPUTER” with emphasis and you’re ready to roll.

4. You will become a person who says “ready to roll” for no apparent reason.

5. Your kids will ask you why it’s ok for you to say “Fuck all this shit and the horse it rode on!” but yet when they say “Gosh darn it!” you raise a perfectly arched eyebrow.

6. You will re-read #5 on your list of problems that you will encounter when you decide to blog after a long absence from blogging and realize that you are now a person who makes up lies in blog posts.

7. Then you will realize that in a country that elected that lying monstrosity as president, making up lies in a blog post doesn’t even warrant a mention, although now you’re worried that you won’t stop mentioning it.

8. You will wonder if you can get through a whole post without writing about your absolute dismay at what is happening in America now and how you cannot believe that anyone voted for this, even though you know and love people who voted for exactly this. There are asterisks all over that sentence but you can’t remember how to insert them.

9. You won’t be able to decide what to blog about first: how your life has changed in the past few years, how great your kids are, how hard it is not to kill the cats, how you turned 50 even though you don’t feel a day over 70, the ballet you saw the other day. And then you’ll think that maybe this list post is enough. To break the ice.

10. You will remember that lists have ten items.

11. You will be an overachiever by adding the eleventh item to the list.

12. You will remember to thank people for reading.

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Hello Whole30! Goodbye Happiness!

by Marinka on January 9, 2017

I have wonderful news. For my enemies, that is.

Today, I am starting the Whole30 Program.

You probably heard about it, but if you haven’t, it’s a gateway to happiness and a “reset” to eating habits. Since I’m almost 50, I suspect that reincarnation would be easier at this point, but I forgot to convert to Buddhism, or whatever religion it is that reincarnates you, and besides, I bought the Whole30 book, so I’m in!

Actually I bought the book last January in anticipation of a new me in 2016! And then I thought, “well, I have to digest [haha, I laughed to myself] the book to understand it, to REALLY understand it and then I have to study the recipes and then I have to research full body transplants and then I have to make sure that a fascist asshole doesn’t become our President-Elect, and then I have to prepare a meal plan and then I have to shop for ingredients and then-” Well, things didn’t go as I had hoped. Although every day I way up grateful that we are spared the dangers of Hillary’s private server emails! I mean, who wants a President whose emails the Russians can’t hack! Not me, comrade!

Back to me and my Whole30 diet.
It starts today.
Here is a list of what I can’t have: grains, legumes, dairy, sugar, alcohol.
Here is a list of what I can have: stuff that isn’t grains, legumes dairy, sugar, alcohol.

The Guy I Went to Ireland With is doing this plan with me, and last night we tearfully admitted to each other that we don’t know what “legumes” are. Don’t worry, I’ve since looked it up. But haven’t told him. Yet.

So, please wish me luck and maybe send a few gifts. Non-edible, preferably. Can’t go wrong with jewelry.

I plan on writing about my brave and selfless journey for the next thirty days and then I will take you along with me as my modeling career takes off on day thirty one.

Oh, and since no Whole 30 post is complete without a food reference, last night I made chicken and kale in a crockpot and now my kitchen smells like death. Also, I’m having coffee without milk. It’s entirely possible that I will be canonized before too long.

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Next Year

December 25, 2016

Tweet I’m not a mathematical genius, but if everything goes well, I will be 50 in 2017. It’s hard to believe, since most days I feel like I’ve been 50 for years, but maybe it’s just because I’m wise beyond my years. You’re probably nodding along, and this is why I like you. Well, one […]

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The Trip To Rome, Part I (of XXX)

April 13, 2016

Tweet I was going to do one of those I’m Right, You’re Wrong posts, but some things are so obviously right and the Guy I went to Ireland With is so obviously wrong, that I didn’t want to insult your intelligence. Also, I couldn’t figure out how to write it, given the details to be […]

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A Tale of Two Tables

March 2, 2016

Tweet Everyone hates my new old table. That sounds like hyperbole but in fact it’s the opposite because in truth everyone despises it. And to make it worse, it’s not hate at first sight. At first sight, it’s a table. But after you sit or what approximates sitting at the table that everyone hates, the […]

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Planned Parenthood Really Screwed Me

October 4, 2015

Tweet I know that there were Congressional hearings going on last week and I stand with Planned Parenthood (assuming that all the seats are taken and it’s Standing Room Only) and all that, but I am also furious at them. And I know that as a pinko-liberal-feminist it’s not ok to be mad at Planned […]

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Dating After Divorce

August 8, 2015

Tweet I had it all figured out. After my divorce, I’d start dating again and then I would write the definitive work of great wisdom about dating after divorce. I even had the title all picked out, “Dating After Divorce”! Everyone would read it, immediately get a divorce and start dating, while I counted the […]

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Mysterious Ways

July 8, 2015

Tweet I bought new sandals, wedges, the day that my son graduated from middle school last month. They were on sale, although from an upscale store and I spent more on them than I normally would, but they were comfortable and had secure black straps that flattered my Cinderella’s step-sister foot and I thought, “why […]

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